Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Silly pictures of my friends drinking - tis the season...

. Even though these pics are old - I thought it would be appropriate to post them for your viewing pleasure since none of you have seen them. I have such the collection of beautiful friends....

Okay - not sure how that one got in here...

Thank gawd it's over...

I am alive but stuffed full of every tantalizing tidbit of food that was mass produced every where I went over the holidays. This is the season for overindulgence though. I certainly passed that requirement with flying colors. My punishment for having eaten much and slept little is - the really icky cold/flu I have started suffering today. By this time tomorrow I will be a lump of useless, sneezing, runny eyed mess (but at least I might lose that pound of cookies and gravy I gained on the weekend.)(Thought I should point out that those were eaten separately because, as much as I look forward to those xmas goodies I haven't stooped quite that low....yet. Although it has been rumored that there are several members of my family - that shall go unnamed - that would definitely dip their cookies into the gravy...Hi Mom)
As for loot - I finally scored a RCA Lyra (ipod-like) so I will be able to listen to Africa (Toto) on repeat at the gym after the holidays. This should improve my elliptical staying power somewhat. I also got the coolest down filled vest ya ever did see. A cool watch, some Burberry perfume, some diamonds and a nice pair of woolen socks.
Strangest gift - that would have to be the last Harry Potter book that I bought the day it came out and then lent to my father.... he gave it to me for Christmas. That was weird. (But in his defense he lost my copy and then forgot I ever gave it to him.... and he also gave me many other nice we will overlook his momentary lapse in memory...maybe.).
The kids raked in every toy ever made and even some that I'm sure never should have been in the first place. They really had fun this year. It really makes the holiday special to see how excited they get about the whole thing.
Now on to planning New Years. Unloading the kids onto my Mom and Dad and dressing up 80's style. Still searching for that coveted blue mascara to complete the ensemble. (Mom - could I borrow your red eyebrow pen?) Will be hunting for some acid wash and shoulder pads in the coming days. Wish me luck. Pictures will follow. Cruel laughter and finger pointing is sure to follow that.

Cheers - I have to go stock up on cold and flu medicine and some chicken stock.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Expensive Coffee Cartoon

So, you know how we girls like to go buy overpriced coffee? Well, go here... and go into the Toons and click on Small, Meduim, Large and have a chuckle. (But it has some potty mouth so watch who's nearby).

Anyone have a match?

I wrapped exactly 7 presents and baked 0 cookies (but I ate a tollhouse cookie, does that count). You might say 7 presents isn't bad but then - I had to unwrap two of them because I forgot to label them and couldn't remember who they were for. (Even though I am positive Grandpa would have LOVED the Incredibles pj's in child size 5.) There are still about 5,000 gifts to wrap but.... I'm thinking gift bags might be good. I think I will have to make a trip to the dollar store for some of those Disney bags... and you all know how excited I am at that prospect. Next year it's all about gift wrapping from the mall. You'd be surprised what those blind wrappers can do - really. It's very... um, surprising. But at least I won't have to do it.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The punishment for not reading my blog -

Ohhh Jenn. Jen, Jenny, Jenbo, Jenbot, Jenneroo. If only you had read my blog in a timely fashion you would indeed know what a sound board was and not have just fallen prey to a phone call from Howard Stern. That was so funny. Hey girls from AHVS, the rest of you are next - (but you won't know that because you haven't read the blog either.) I can't beleive how fun that was. Shout out to Nicole for calling me out - well done my child, well done.
See you later. Off to wrap - laughing all the way.

Christmas wrapping vs cookie baking

I am supposed to be baking festive cookies today but I still haven't wrapped anything. Maybe I could glue a cookie to the top of each of the boxes and call it a day. If I don't come back to regale you with my funny baking stories it is because I am neck deep in xmas boxes, tape and short bread. I promise to come back and tell you all about the other crank calls I made last night. (If I don't it is because I am in jail.)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Go here....

I actually crank called my father this morning and he was ready to call the police. When I finally stopped laughing and identified myself he stopped being completely terrified. Seriously funny stuff. Everyone call your Dad.
I am hoping to get a call from a telemarketer this evening lol. What makes this funnier is the fact that I am almost 30 years old and this is funnier now than when I was 13...

Back to that "Spiders are Yummy" post...

Could have been worse. (My brother actually had to live with these in Afganistan - he could hear them walking around at night and killed them with a machete - nice.) I was searching around the internet and found a picture of them (there are two of them here) so I thought I'd share.

Just so you know - I actually made this face when I saw this....

Happy dreaming!

A funny thing happened to me when I was 7

I am convinced that my toddlers could tear down a warehouse in a matter of minutes. They are little monsters that come in cute little packages to dissuade parents from selling them to gypsies.

Anyways... my Christmas wrapping procrastination has taken on new heights this year. I have very systematically stacked, and re-stacked my packages in order of size, then weight, then wrapping complexity, then the age of the intended recipients, price and color...yet they remain.... unwrapped. While this has been going on the mind has been a wandering - and you all know what happens then.

While awander - (word?) I segued (long story of how I got there but it made sense at the time) from Christmas wrapping into remembering the time when I was 7 years old and I attacked this guy (who was attacking this other guy - who didn't really do anything) with my school bag kung-fu style. I don't really know what I was expecting but - against all odds this bully of gigantic proportions was felled and one point for the good guy - right? Wrong. The good guy was pissed that a 7 year old girl won his battle for him and thought about beating me but ran home instead. (Many years later - I kind of get his point but anyways...)
The lesson here is ...what is the lesson here?

Check out the Napolean Dynamite is kind of funny.

See you all later...

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

That guy at the gym is a hobbit - I know it

I went to the gym this morning and there is this little old fellow there that spends an entire hour walking uphill on the treadmill REALLY slowly with a back pack on for like - an entire hour. He is always wearing this little back pack and the more I see him - the more I am tempted to tackle that hill climbing midget and see what he has in there. He is all of 5 feet nothing and older than the hills. At first I thought the little guy was kinda cute but for some reason that back pack is seriously driving me mental. His entire workout - even the stretching and there it is securely fastened. (I bet it is something really awful like his dear wives ashes, his dead cat or his scab collection. That would serve me right for looking though wouldn't it.)
So then this other old guy comes in - balding and sporting a lovely belly - and he nearly trips over himself watching me on the elliptical. Now, I'm not exactly sure why someone would want to watch that ----but he did. To the point where I had to stare him down until he finally looked away - but I caught him looking back a couple of times. (And then I ran to the bathroom to make sure I didn't have 'wine mouth' - I was safe...phew.) I was sooo close to heaving a barbell at that big bald head - you've no idea.
Then I was ready to leave so I thought I 'd weigh in because - what the hell - I was having a skinny day (and that bald guy was checking me out afterall). Wanted to let all of you know that THIS SCALE IS A BIG FAT LIAR. (Just putting that out there.) Can't figure out how I can work out for three months - 3 days a week seating my ass off and still only have lost 3 little pounds. (And if anyone out there is tempted to make some wise crack comment about all the little red flags that may - or may not - live in my cupboards - the punishment will be swift and merciless) And none of that crap about muscle weighing more than fat - cuz that just doesn't cut it. Shut yer pie holes would ya!
Merry f-ing Christmas to all - and no xmas pudding for me.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

What was that in my wine?

I had some drinks with friends a while back to celebrate the impending holiday. During the evening M* asked me why my lips were black and I thought he was just insulting my lipstick shade... or was just plain odd. Turns out my lips were indeed black. Not the whole of my mouth - as you might imagine (because that would just look silly) but only the very beginning of my mouth. It left me with a sort of black "o" expression. As though I was practicing to be a deranged geisha. I am not going to say I looked silly or anything but people kept looking at me and laughing. I thought that I must be particularly witty that evening or something. Turns out they all just suck. I actually continued on throughout the evening and never onced looked in the mirror until the next morning - whereupon I found myself with my little black circle for lips. I can't say I was at my most flattering. Seeing as I was a tad hungover and was sporting a most elegant bedheaded hairstlye at the time to top off the look. Then......
M* noticed that there was SOMETHING in the bottom of my wine bottle - whatever it was it was tar like and strangely.............. left a black residue behind. I just NEVER want to find out what it was. Truly disgusting.
Hope you all have a great day!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Marzipan babies

So, I was driving home and my mind started a wandering. It wandered all around and ended up recalling a very curious email featuring pictures of marzipan babies. (You may have even seen this) This piqued my curiousity at the time and I was amazed and repulsed all at once - amazing craftsmanship, but at the same time I was disquieted at the thought of eating them. Then I got thinking deeper and came to the thought.... what would a chimpanzee do with these. I more or less came to the conclusion that it would have thought "that's interesting, these bits of marzipan look like little humans.... and are so delicious" (or something to that effect). They would, in other words, eat them up with very little hesitation since the bottom line is that these are yummy little almond flavored snacks. So - who is more evolved here?
Then my idle mind took me so far as this - if I had no choice but to eat them - what would I eat first. Well, initially I thought that I would start with the feet but then I don't think I could have dealt with that cute little face watching me do it so... I think I'd eat the head first. But ONLY if I had no choice here people. And whilst I was doing it I would feel I was commiting a vicarious form of cannibalism.

Then I did a little more research into this and found out that none of this mattered anyways since these were made out of silicone.

I'll be back to waste more of your time tomorrow...


And here I thought I was having a bad day...

Remarkable alright - remarkably disturbing.

This came to me in a nightmare - I'm sure of it. What's worse - I think this is intended for kids.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

This Blog is worth a look...

Hello friends and strangers,

Very amusing.

More laughing anyone?

Hello hello.
I went to the gym today. I forgot my shoes. I was wearing winter boots. No choice but to work out in socking feet or winter boots. At first I thought - well winter boots would be okay - right? But then I thought maybe people would think I was paying homage to Pedro's friend in the moon boots. But then - I really was wearing moon boots so... I thought I'd try socking feet. This was fun because - you wouldn't know it but those peddles on exercise bikes are really slippery. Ahem. Know you know. Now to detract from my retardedness (no offence to the differently abled...) Here are some funny pictures...

This is little sensei racoon.
Not to be confused with batdog...

I just don't know WHAT this is. But it is so wrong. (Kinda reminded me of that guy from the flintstones - only not green.)

I know her. Seriously. She teaches the water work out class at my gym. (She used to teach it in the ocean but she quit because greenpeace kept attempting rescues.)

See you all tomorrow...

Do you need help - little man?

Hello all - got this website from a comment another blogger left a friend of mine. Check this out. Go here. Just wait and watch. (Then watch again.) Try not to hurt your self laughing. Then send everyone you know here to look at this. Seriously. OMG!!!!!!!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Noteworthy trees - finally!

The one above looks like.... a strange type of banana tree of course. (perverts) and below... is a baby. See the baby? That is so cool.
Didn't take me long - apparently remarkable tree hunters other than myself exist... who knew?
Later crazy gators.

Where have all the xmas singers gone?

Hello today.
We used to go caroling (sp?) when we were kids! Where are the damn kids? (By the way, no one has come forth with any interesting or gifted trees - whats up with that people? How do you expect me to do a series without any help??? I feel the pressure to continue the series despite my lack of friendly motivation. I am going tree searching later... wish me luck.)

Now for a picture of a hampster doing chin ups...

Or is it being loaded into a deep fryer? (Well, what did you think was in won-tons?) I mean he does look a bit scared doesn't he?

Here is a little god story (well tis the season...)

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? (scroll down)

No? (keep going)

I didn't get one either.

I'll be back when I find a tree worth mentioning.


Sunday, December 11, 2005

Sick but Funny

A friend of mine led me to this and now... I am taking you there. Sick but - tis the season. LOL

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I hate it when people are nice to me.

Allo to all!
So, friends of the family (my husbands family) decided that my kids should have the toys that their grankids outgrew. (Not so much outgrew but overannoyed them with, I think). It is the dreaded VERY loud fire engine toy - did I say VERY LOUD. This is the kind of toy people rub their hands together with glee about when they think of the revenge they'll be getting on the parents of whoever they give it to. (What'd we do??!!) Other than being obnoxiously endowed in the volume department - it gets stuck on the siren sound and keeps repeating it like a broken record and makes this kind of weird clicking sound while doing it. (I can hear this from the upstairs with the playroom door closed - and my fingers in my ears with a towel wrapped around my head and a pillow on top with the blender on). It is horrible. And of course they have played with it non stop. This is worse than Chinese water torture, I swear.

Poor Rooey had a fever of 104 yesterday. All day. He didn't get out of bed at all except when I dragged him to the Doctor. What 3 year old stays in bed all day - I've never heard of such a phenomenon. Poor little fella.

I have to go take a hammer to that frickin toy now - ta.

Golden nuggets

Can't beleive I didn't post this one! They are digging for gold I think. Didn't find any gold though, only a raisin and part of Mr. Potatoe Head.
(How is it that she still looks the princess with the finger in the nose? So cute.)
What do ya think, guys? Is the the Christmas card or what? You don't even know how tempted I am...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Xmas pictures are fun!

What a nice little sister. Pat pat pat.
(Above - Razzzzzzzzzzberry)
(Below- You are so funny Mom!) Mommy, this "fell" off the tree.
Say Cheese!
Precious little angels! I'll try again another day.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Spiders are Yummy

20 days till Christmas. We finally got the decorations on the Christmas tree last night. Most of them have since been pulled off and tossed all around the house in a joint effort by short people and furry beasts. Why did I forget that part of the holidays? It must have been a mental block. Although I did just get a glimpse of myself in a pregnant heap - doing the ugliest cry humanly possible with snot running down to my chin a few years back. There lay my crumpled tree - some of it at my feet and some of it scattered throughout the kitchen (and the bathroom, and the bedroom ....and the basement) I don't remember what I did with the cat - but he has truly never been the same. Every ornament painstakingly handpainted and tassled - destroyed. (That is why I have since resorted to the dollar store for my decorating needs - but only until my "Christmas tree bubble" is patented and no little creatures can touch the tree...oooh or better yet a holographic tree). I actually cancelled xmas and packed up everything in the house remotely x-mas only to unpack it all later that day and redistribute it shamefacedly throughout the Frank abode. Poor Rooey just toddled along behind my patting my leg and saying - ok mummy ok. (Really inside his head he was saying WHOA THERE CRAZY LADY he just couldn't formulate the words yet...) We must have been drugged that this commotion didn't wake any of us. That would be the one night I sleep through everything - I usually wake up if anyone in the house so much as loses an eyelash.
Great segue (sp?)- I saw this funniest home videos where the guy was asleep on the couch and his kid was video taping him because he saw a spider crawl into his mouth. (First of all - I would sooooo kill my kid if they didn't immediately go in after it {okay I'd even forgive someone spraying Off into my mouth to kill it}- and secondly, please god say I would wake up and hawk that furry little loogy against the wall so hard it would never crawl again!) Then the guy sort of smacked his lips a few times and the belegged little thing crawled back out - all the while the kid laughed. Would have been worse I suppose if - it didn't crawl back out again - and the guy woke up and was like "What? What's with the video camera?")
I actually considered duct tape over the mouth before I went to bed that night. I might have to consider it again, having recounted the story in such detail.