Friday, March 31, 2006

Yes, yes it has been a while...

Except that - just back from vacation makes it hard to adjust to the mundane.... having said that I promise to post soon and.... you guys should really be leaving comments here... since I only do this for my fan mail anyways... LOL.l

Friday, March 24, 2006

Drunk Karaoke

Of all the places we went, we will for sure return to the Karaoke bar we found. Classy. That's the only word. It used to be a strip joint. LOL
We got drunk before we even got there at the hotel lounge (and the bartender picked up our tab because we entertained him so immensely - $100.00 tab, imagine- thank you awesome bartender man!). And that was after we finished a bottle of wine with dinner. Anyways we got to the Karaoke bar and had to keep drinking because - it was a bar - so you can imagine how the night went. Or not. Actually probably not. I don't think I could have imagined up this group of people drunk, stoned or otherwise. It was just downright bizarre. One lady - about 70 years old done up like a hooker in this snazzy little red number, drunk out of her skull and slow dancing with herself all night no matter the speed of the music. This one chick who thought she was the only undiscovered singing phenomenon who kept accosting me and singing in my ear - she like totally attacked me every chance she got. Then there was the 60 year old guy with the page-boy haircut and the fushia pink t-shirt and dinner jacket. (Would have been a great date for the slow dancing lady- cept I think he was gay). The redneck wanna be comedian who followed us around all night, and the 20 year old who kept trying to get Carrie to have an affair with him and the list goes on and on.
We sang many things, I pretended to be Cher and Carrie sang with the page boy. Then we performed Earl by the Dixie Chicks. It was - to say the least... inspired. The bar in its eclectic entirety was in awe. Imagine that. They will never be the same again.
Don't remember much after that, except that they closed the bar and we had to leave. Otherwise I fear we would still be there.
Cheers. Just saying that made my head hurt.

Hand Tan/Monkey Poo For You

I am back and I think I have killed off a good portion of brain cells during this trip. It was awesome fun. Too many funny stories to narrow it down to one.

Carrie had this hand cream on the counter in her kitchen - placed just so that every time you walked by it you could moisturize. The cream smells so nice that I just moistened my hands every damn chance I got. It took five days for Carrie to tell me this was tanning cream. So know I have a really great tan... but only on my hands. Kind of orange. Looks dead sexy. This is actually the basis to begin a very funny chain of practical jokes - wouldn't you say? And imagine me trying to explain this to my manicurist in this really hoity toity spa on the island? She just kept looking at me and blinking. Not nearly as much fun, however, as Carrie had trying to explain the handcuff bruises she got from when Kyle was demonstrating how to use them. (job related) It was all very innocent. The conversation went something like this (keep in mind we are extremely hungover so have peanut butter brains);
Manicurist "Wow, that is a horrible bruise. What happened?"
Carrie "Oh. Handcuffs."
Uncomfortable silence.
Carrie "Okay. Just realized how that sounds."
Don't think we'll be going back there next year.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I AM - the Blackjack Guru

Am hungover so bad that the typing on the computer is too loud for my injured brain. I've been trying to rehydrate myself but I didn't want to go all the way downstairs to get a glass so I was drinking out of one of those little dixie cups. You know - like the one they hand out meds in a pshyc ward in? I was up half the night and I think I only managed about 3 oz. So now you know I got a wee bit tipsy yesterday. You may have used your powers of deductive reasoning to come to the conclusion that it was in my drunken genius that I thought the dixie cup was big enough to supply water to anyone larger than a barbie doll. Probably what pygmies use as a highball glass. If you guys knew how hard I laughed at that last thought - you might think I was still drunk, actually thinking I might be myself.
So we were going to play laser tag but somehow ended up at a casino. (?) I started playing blackjack and everyone was awed at my card betting abilities.
Two things helped me here; I was pissed so really didn't care if I lost and two I had no clue what I was doing. I had the perverbial horse shoe firmly inplanted in my buttocks and I just couldn't lose. I could see how that could be dangerous - and painful... This redneck beside me (you know the type - yer perty I like yew) kept saying, damn - what are yew independantly wealthy er something? and - you shoor do have a perty smile. He was uber creepy and normally would have sent me fleeing from his presence but instead being drunk and blackjack playing superstar that I was - I didn't flinch. (Might have been the 7 1/2 foot military trained bodyguard who stood behind me the whole time watching like a hawk. The redneck totally thought that I had a bodyguard - and was like some princess or famous person. Hysterical. My girlfriend's fiancee guards like heads of state or some cool shit like that. He has this total military aura about him - standing there behind me with no expression and nods almost imperceptibly when you talk to him. He's awsomely terrifying.
I so wish I could have my own bodyguard - not that I need one but it sure makes it a hell of a lot more fun to go out places and deal with the roadkill that always hits on you. Could have used him back in highschool hey ladies?
Anyhoo - off to Victoria today to go whale watching. That should be fun - going on a boat when you are severely hungover eh? Or maybe the casino is still open....? Just kidding. Har har har. I think I need to go into detox when I get home. LOL. I hope they have dixie cups there.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Pygmy Hunting

Hello all!
Went to the Vancouver aquarium for my friend's daughters birthday yesterday and there were like - millions of people there and they were all really wiggy. Some old person pissed themselves in the exhibit and I am quite sure I walked through it. So funny because we were all like "Something smells like pee pee! Eww that is a baaaad smell..." and so on. But we never actually looked at the floor. Idiots (said like Napoleon Dynamite). And it was like concentrated pee so it reeked like mad. Eww.
Then we were in the rainforest exhibit searching for sloths - I am quite sure that is what begot the where's waldo game - anyways -found one! Whoo. Hoo. All this build up for - a lump of slow moving moss covered lump of fur somewhere in a tree. Then my friend Carrie screams - "look a pygmy!" She was referring to the pygmy monkey (that we have a history with - long story) but there was this man standing there - very cleverly camouflaged by the throngs of 10 year olds - who was 4'10 turns and gives ME the total stink eye. I'm instantly mortified/amused and fascinated all at the same time. But then he keeps staring at me and I find myself all like - OMG the pygmy is gonna rage on me and I started babbling incoherently and tripping over my own feet (or maybe the pygmy?) to get the hell out of there. I didn't think I was one of those people who was afraid of midgets - but now I wonder if maybe I am courting a new phobia? Weird. Anyways so then I was ravenous - as all good sloth hunting expeditions will make a gal - and stopped at a little stand outside to have a nummy hot dog. Then we went home had a nap and then woke up a drank several bottles of really tasty wine. Then I passed out and had nightmares about pygmy monkeys that had grown mens faces. Really unsettling.
Anyways here I am - I was up a 5:00 this morning so I thought I would pop in and keep yall up to date. lol.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Teletubbie bye-bye...

Sorry guys - that last one was one of those stress tests... the faster the picture moves the less able you are to deal with stress.

And for today... I had to share. This is funny. So sick.

Have a great week yall. See ya on Wed. unless I have a chance to get on a computer during the week to say hello. Ta.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Stress Test

Thanks Dee. Now I am secure in the knowledge I am a crazy person. The more I look, the faster they go. It is going to make me puke. Please tell me I am not the only one.
Maybe it's that cough medicine I've been taking. It is seriously messing with me. Last night I only slept for a couple of hours and I felt like I was high. Really weird but I am not going to say that it wasn't a little bit fun. Cause it was. In fact I think I might hang out with more sick people so I have an excuse to take it. LOL.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Dee Graduated!

Woo Hoo and Yippee Skipee - Dee is FINALLY done! Congrats. Now what? PHD?

Kid Eating Puppy

Okay, so what makes a parent say "Awww. Isn't that cute - let's take a picture" instead of "What the hell - put the puppy down". Seriously something wrong with that but the result is still pretty funny. Also, I hope that the family doesn't run a restaurant and she's just in training. (THAT was low - I know but I couldn't help myself.)

Who Knew Squirrels Were Such Perverts?

There were more but I was feeling a little ill. Still - had to share because I had no idea, really. Filthy little beasts. That's the last time I rescue one of you!

Shark in My Pool

I found this picture on the web - someones very creative use of the computer.

Then it got me thinking of a fun game when I was a kid swimming in the pool and I would imagine that a shark was in the pool - so I could swim super fast. I would hum the Duh-dum duh-dum tune underwater and everything. But then I would actually manage to scare myself so bad that I had to get out of the pool. So really I don't think that game was fun afterall.

That kind of read like a deep thought. Humffh.

Have a nice weekend.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Apple Butter

I really want some apple butter right now. Does anyone know how this is made? Anyone want to make some for me?
Okay - now I really have to go do the laundry.

Funny Name for an Uncle

I was sitting here thinking about doing the laundry and eventually ended up going down that "6 degrees of separation" line of thinking that I am famous for and ended up at .... my Uncle who is named Uncle Bunny. He is actually my Mom's Uncle so that makes him my Great Uncle or, just really old. Anyways, I've always thought and truly believed that his name is actually Bunny. Apparently this is a nickname. Just kind of weird how you go your whole life thinking something really odd (cause the name is kind of out there) is normal until someone says "oh no, hahahah that is just a nickname - silly you.". Like how I thought a grillcheese was called a girlcheese until I was like... 18. It's like a paradigm shift to find out just how wrong you are.
Just got me thinking - ya know? Like what else do I think is a truth that isn't? Next thing you know someone will tell me that the toothfairy isn't real or something as equally entertaining. Or to keep with the theme - what about the Easter Bunny?
Anyways, off to do the laundry. Anyone out there have any relatives with odd names or nicknames?

Thursday, March 02, 2006

30 sucks

Yeah it was too as bad as I thought. No use pretending it wasn't. Should have stayed in bed like I thought. Instead I mustered the courage to get up and face the dreaded day ready to do battle. Made it all the way to lunch before bursting into a fit of uncontrolled tears upon finding a beetle in my salad (Mrs. Vanelli's Pen Centre eating area - so don't go there). Am quite sure I am doomed to a life of wrinkles, gray hair (oh yeah, there's lotsa that) and beetle salads from here on out. And... just to perk things up a bit I decided the day before to have my hair cut in a vain attempt to make myself feel better but - one of the girls there decided to share her early 20 something wisdom with me and tell me that 30 is when you start losing your looks. Is assault with a flat iron a criminal offence? How about hair pins? I think I could figure out a way to pin that bitchy little trap shut with those.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Right then. It's over and I don't want to talk about it anyways. (Cept that really I do. I actually want to wine about it until next year but that might get boring... so then just for a little while and then I promise I'll find other things to wimper about. Right then off I go on my rant...)
Why is it when you think of a guy who is 30 it sounds so young and full of possibilities and when you apply it to a girl it just sounds well on the way to 40 and withered up? Completely unfair. Have decided that birthdays no longer apply to me - instead I will celebratemy annual Botox appointment on that dreaded day.
OH YEAH - and where was a cake when I needed one? Well that is just fine because I happen to have a cake mix hidden away for just such an emergency so off I go to make that cake and eat a HUGE slice with HOMO milk (extra fat) and enjoy every bite. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. No elliptical yesterday either - or today. Ha ha!
(PS - thanks for all the messages guys - warm fuzzies after a dreadful day. Seriously. )