Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Mullet mullet mullet mullet

I have a very strong hatred of mullets - so this was particularly funny to me.

You Will Love

Go here. This is the coolest thing. You type in a song you like and - BLAMO this site compiles a list of songs similar and plays them for you like a radio.... so just launch your internet explorer and let her play while you ... play (or work) or whatever. It is very cool.

Monday, April 24, 2006

The Cat That Shat... our sink - when he was pissed off at his Mommy(that would be Carrie). He did - he would just leave a shit right there in the sink in as much as to say - TADA! This is what I think of you. This cat was seriously not normal and everyone knows how unusual my animals are so when I say not normal... I really mean it. This cat would pee on Carrie's pillow every chance he got and then just sit and wait until she figured it out before he ran away. Ever hear a cat laughing? Once he was out on the balcony and jumped up onto the wall - my roomate ran outside and he looked at her blinked and let go of the wall. He then fell three stories onto concrete. She flew down there and flung the door open - at that point he came to and jumped up and launched headfirst into the glass door knocking himself silly. Don't think he really survivied that - the cat thereafter had a very "pet cemetery" feel about him. So long story short - this "pet" was eventually sent to live on a farm since he was demonic. He actually clawed his way into the trailer and......... shit in the sink. Isn't that a committed little fellow - thought I. The farmer shot him. Boo farmer. Poor Caleb.
(Incidentally - this was not the same cat we dyed purple.)

Green tape, answering machines and pennies from heaven...

When I lived in BC I got bored sometimes and came up with any number of interesting things to do. Pre blog life found that answering machine messages could be fun things so - my roommate Carrie (Carrie from BC) and I used to come up with some really fun stuff. The word spread and soon people would call us - hoping we weren't home - so they could hear the latest message. This became quite the thing. There was animals involved - horrible scottish accents on one occasion and some really bad singing...
I befriended this ultra conservative (from outward appearances) guy who later became a cop - and could truly be the only honest cop ever born - but anyways... I managed to convince this guy to do some of the craziest things. One day we were all sitting around dying the cat purple with koolaide on the balcony (our neighbours thought we were basting the cat and were going to eat her) when I said, "Hey, I know. Let's tape up Carrie's head entirely with green tape and go out somewhere." And so we did. We taped her entire head (Carrie - did we at least cover your hair with plastic or something - I don't remember?) and then went so far as to draw a mouth and put sunglasses on her and go out. We drove around laughing all afternoon (how was it trying to breath in there by the way?) and topped it off by going through the McDonald's Drive-through. It was funny at a stoplight - this car full of people staring at us and I was ducked down in the back seat hiding. I told Carrie to quickly look out the window and take off the sunglasses (no eyes - looked really funny) and put her hands up like "what - what are you looking at?!" . They all turned pale and wanted to escape immediately but couldn't because the light was red.
We also used to tape our faces up to distort them and kill ourselves laughing - but usually in our apartment not in public - though really what difference would it have made? We also got drunk once and dropped pennies from our neighbours window ledge on these people moving into our building - I think they were the same ones who thought we were going to eat our cat. (They moved out pretty fast - didn't they? Wonder why.)
Anyways - enjoy your day.

The Torture of a Babysitter - Bonus Blog

When I was a child I was an angel. Well, not so much an angel as my brother was the devil - so by comparison...
We had this truly lovely Italian babysitter named Camilla. She was really the sweetest human to have ever walked the earth. She had the patience of a saint and sometimes a goat in her backyard to play with - until they ATE it. Anyways...
One day my brother thought a fun game would be to yell and scream and pretend we were bleeding all over the front lawn dying (with the assistance of a bottle of ketchup this was made ever more realistic..) to see what Camilla would do. Well - predictably she flipped out and started crying and screaming and.... we laughed. That broke the spell and she started chasing us with the empty ketchup bottle.
That night our Mother sat us down to have a serious discussion about our actions but somehow - couldn't really take her seriously since she kept hiding her face behind a pillow and laughing.
Ah to be young again...

Some Quotes I Like...

"Lost time is never found again."--Benjamin Franklin

"The first and final thing you have to do in this world is to last in it, and not be smashed by it."--Ernest Hemingway

"I bend, but I do not break."--Jean de La Fontaine

“You cannot plan the future by the past." --Edmund Burke

"We never do anything well till we cease to think about the manner of doing it."--William Hazlitt

"Become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid." --Lady Bird Johnson

"Nothing is interesting if you're not interested."--Helen MacInness

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."--Beverly Sills

"I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well."--Diane Ackerman

"The key to wisdom is knowing all the right questions." --John A. Simone Jr.

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."--William James

"Distance doesn't matter; it's only the first step that is difficult."--Marquise du Delfand

"The first blow is half the battle."--Oliver Goldsmith

"He who has begun is half done."--Horace

“To read without reflecting is like eating without digesting."--Edmund Burke

"When we read too fast or too slowly, we understand nothing."--Blasie Pascal

"Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body."--Richard Steele

"If you are afraid of your future, you don't have a present." --James Petersen

"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up."--James Magary

"The computer is a moron." --Peter Drucker

"The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart."--Robert G. Ingersoll

“You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.”

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”
--James Baldwin


Last night I had this reoccurring dream - well it used to reoccur often enough... when I was a child. Not too sure why it came back now. I'll tell you this though - it is still scary now so I know I wasn't a wimp when I was little. It goes something like this;
This witch without a face takes me and locks me in her house (old and falling apart) and it is on the end of what I can only describe as a cement pier. I spend my entire dream trying to escape and call for help but - I can't run except in painfully slow-motion and when I open my mouth I can't make a sound. And she always catches me right before I am safe. How frustrating is that?
Over and over and over again. I hate nightmares.
Anyone have any good jokes?

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Native Protest in Caledonia

Okay - so most of you know me and know where I live so this won't shock you. This is just to blog worthy not to comment on so.... I take a step towards being less anonymous so to speak...

This protest is a couple of blocks from my house. I can walk up to the barricades in less than 5 minutes. I am extremely pissed off about this entire situation. The government should have dealt with these land claims ages ago. I also disagree with setting cars and tires on fire and terrorizing a neighborhood full of small children...

The news has misrepresented our town. We don't all just think this should be allowed to go on. We don't all support this protest. I support education not occupation. This has reached terrifying proportions and it is real. I also don't like that the town people are throwing rocks at the occupants. This is our home- ALL of us. I really don't think it is okay to run around shouting veiled threats with gas masks and bandannas on your faces. I resent that we have been told as a collective to "go back where we came from" . I was born here - same as you. I have nowhere to go - nor do I wish to. It is hurtful and I have no control over what people I have never met have done - I only control my own actions. Obviously not all Native people feel this way - so I don't wish to imply they do. I just wish to point out that a lot of anger and frustration is being misdirected. I have an open mind and a good sense of what is fair. I accept that all people live together in a bigger picture - on earth. We are all people and all of us deserve to be here.

If this land belongs to the Native people -I hope our government returns it to them or negotiates fairly. Deal with all of the land claims and find some way to put an end to this. Bottom line is - I hold the government and their lack of attention to these matters at fault for this situation escalating to this point.

Now....I think I am going to fly over to Scotland and demand the land my clan lost hundreds of years ago so I have somewhere to live....;-D. JUST KIDDING. That's my twisted sense of funny for you....

Have a lovely Sunday...

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Stupid Human Tricks...

Good Morning,

How did it get to be Thursday? Boo me.

I have very little that is interesting to say but - felt inclined nonetheless to write something. So - I open the floor and wish to know your stupid human tricks.

I, for instance, can squirt milk from my tear duct. Also - the same ability allows me to submerse my head in the bath tub and blow air bubbles from the same duct. Isn't that disturbing? I have no shame.

Then there's this guy...

Your turn....

Monday, April 17, 2006

My Mom's Story....

My Mom seems to have - for the time being - given up on blogging. Sad turn of events - since I love the way her mind works. I decided to share a story she told me - since it was funny. We enjoy the sport of people watching and my Mother is the president of the club.

She noted these two people - that stopped her in her tracks. HE was skinny and and toothless and was really dirty. SHE had skinny stick legs and a round middle - like a muffin on toothpicks -and a tiny little head. Now, the way my Mother's mind works - no matter how she attempts to change it - is such that she immediately pictured them having sex and figured that the entire experience would be something akin to the clash of the titans.

I love my Mom.

A Little Something I've Been Working On....

This is part of something I've been playing at and thought some might enjoy the read. It is not entirely taken from my life - as some might suspect. Just be warned that the word breast and breastfeeding may be mentioned. If either make you uncomfortable - go away now and come back tomorrow...

By: Elizabeth S. Frank

Journal Entry
Tuesday, February the ummmm 7th 2006. 1:38 pm
They are asleep. No one actually told me ahead of time that the absolutely best part of motherhood was when they go down for a nap. My once orderly realm has been taken over by very short little persons who speak gibberish, often produce hideous smells and reek havoc wherever they go. Don’t get me wrong - I love them to pieces and they are precious and lovely but I have thought of selling them to gypsies about 500 times since breakfast. (Which for me consisted of 3 stale Cheerios that I dug out of the couch and a coffee with a bucket of Hazelnut flavored coffee creamer - definitely low fat since I am still starving hence the large bowl of instant Thai noodles and the chocolate pudding - no doubt very healthful - I scarfed down in 30 seconds flat while wrestling with my daughter Caroline forcing her to eat her lunch.) Finally mutually agreed on two fruit leathers, one bite of pasta and a lovely warm bottle of milk. That covers at least ½ of a food group. OOOOOH the guilt of Motherhood, very dreadful feeling that somehow later in life I will be blamed for her being a picky eater. Very unfair due to great extents gone to - and acrobatic displays attempted to get her to eat a normal meal. At one point was quite sure I would succumb to worst nightmare and become Granola eating earth mother with a 7 year old breastfeeding since - partly out of guilt that she wouldn’t eat much in the way of real food and partly because the child could throw a tantrum that would outdo even Caligula. I breastfed her for what - like - 30 years. Breastfeeding actually seems like much longer in “real time” since you really never get to sleep. Secondly - if it was my fault that she is so terribly picky then I am as equally responsible for my son William’s ability to eat absolutely anything - including what may have very well been ants. Therefore by my calculations I am somewhere in the middle of mother of the year and total loser at being parent. Ah well, must accept one cannot excel at absolutely everything.
Off I go to shower very quickly and efficiently - as in all other things. Right. Then will attempt to conquer the very large and growing pile of laundry that has taken over my life as of 4 years ago … and I‘m pretty sure it burped at me the last time I walked by it.

Tuesday, February 7th at 2.17 pm
Aliens have landed and replaced my tiny sleeping angels with shrieking lunatics that are running a circle pattern into the carpet of the living room. I understand how crop circles are made now - toddlers on sugar highs loosed in farmers fields to “tire themselves out”. They never really get tired though do they - they just have that affect on the people in charge of watching them. (though why the term “watching them” even exists I don’t understand since that implies that you just sit and observe them from a safe distance - )
Fun game would be to dress toddlers up in Velcro and toss them at Velcro wall. That may be the only way to stop them from moving long enough to pee by oneself. But then one would also need said wall to be in sound proof room. How much do you think that would cost? Going to start calling builders directly.
Right well, first builder hung up before I could finish mumbling something about calling child services and second one quoted me $175,000.00. That might be a bit steep but might call the bank anyways just to see about possibility of borrowing said amount.

Looks like this addition might have to wait…

Friday, April 14, 2006

Pig Personality Test Results.... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Again - thanks to Dee for the email. Here are my results;

Toward the middle of the frame, you are a realist.
Facing front, you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.
With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
With less than 4 legs, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change.
The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. You are a GREAT listener.
The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life. You have a poor sex life.

Well....... that about sums me up. LOL. Dare to try?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Speaking of Voice Disguises

I went through Wendy's this afternoon and this white guy taking the order was trying to pretend he had an East Indian accent. It was the most horrible accent I have ever heard. It was so funny I went back through and ordered another milk just to laugh - and then he laughed too.
It was really strange.

How to keep a healthy level of insanity... (thanks Dee - an all time favorite)

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point ahair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gottenover their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. ( I like this idea,this would be funny)
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical soundsall day at work.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend theirparty because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, RockBottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lotyelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going tohave to let one of you go."

Monday, April 10, 2006

I Knew I Belonged....

You know about my shameless love of Harry Potter right? Well today marks a very important day...

(I am in Hufflepuff - because I rock bitches.)


Did I Ever Tell You About the Moldy Popcorn?

On two separate occasions I have tasted mold on popcorn. Once was Orville Microwave popcorn and once was at Famous Players. In fairness to them - I never sent the nasty gram to Orville Redenbacher to they didn't have a chance to apologize and at the theatre they refunded my money - while they stared at me like I was crazy. Now understand - I am not the type to have butter or flavoring on my popcorn. Just plain old popcorn for me. I think that is part of the reason I have tasted this unmistakable resemblance to mold. Unmistakable because that is what it is.

I have attempted to research the process of drying kernels but found very little to go on. Logic dictates that the kernels are separated from the cob, dried, packaged, popped and eaten. Knowing enough about the properties of mold (requires organic matter and some moisture to grow) it seems reasonable to assume that this molding of my popcorn could very easily occur if the kernels are not dried enough or a few are overlooked.

Now I know this sounds like I have lost touch with reality. Moldy popcorn you say? Just keep in mind that on occasion whilst eating your popcorn - you will taste something vaguely familiar (in my case once it was mild and once it was so overpowering that I almost threw up - so there are varying levels) that just stays on your tongue and reminds you of the time you opened - and for some reason smelled the inside of a bag of moldy hot dog buns. Do not question your sanity - though many of those who consume popcorn floating in MSG, butter, caramel, ketchup and/or salt and vinegar flavoring may have a difficult time accepting the truth of this. They have been fooled...

Now I have an aversion to salad (unless I can wash it myself- but they look at me funny when I ask to do that at a restaurant) and popcorn. I also have one to broccoli but not because something happened to me. It's that old wives tale about the little green worms in it - that and the fact that I find the flavour repulsive. So all in all - my viable food group is diminishing.

Sorry if I have ruined your snacking ability. Please feel free to add to my aversions.


Saturday, April 08, 2006

Pet Peeves

Okay - I admit it - this post was somewhat inspired by part of Dr. Phil that I accidentally watched the other day where this lady was ranting about the dividers at the grocery checkout - and people's inability to use them on a consistent basis. Her pet peeve. She is out to retrain the public one talk show at a time....I digress....

I got thinking about my pet peeves and came up with a few... I'm sure after I post this I will think of a million more.

1. Those double rims on orange juice containers that you need to use a knife to loosen prior to opening or you end up ripping all of the skin off of your hands. They really irk me.

2. People who have never met you but throw you a dose of stink eye just for existing.

3. A bad cork.

4. People at the gym who don't wipe their sweat of the elliptical. (Germs bother me enough - but germs commingled with sweat is sooooo much worse somehow)

5. People who go through Tim Horton's (coffee) and order their entire office's lunch. The rest of us just want a god damn coffee. Don't mess with me before my coffee.

6. Bugs in my salad. It's happened many times. I am developing a great aversion to salad.

7. When jeans stretch so much that they almost fall off - they fit perfectly in the morning - fresh from the dryer - but by lunch they are 4 sizes too big. Not kosher.

8. An unhappy ending in Hollywood. That's not what I pay money for people.

9. Technical difficulties.

10. Revenue Canada and the 500 prompts and options you need to surpass before you can talk to an actual person to tell them to stop sending you information in French. I mean - yeah - I took French but unless you want me to count to ten, name a common fruit or tell you the ingredients on my shampoo (I get bored) then I am out to lunch.

Anyone want to add anything?

Friday, April 07, 2006

Telemarketers are Fun....

I had a phone call last night from the same company who has been calling for over a week to promo their unique brand of energy efficient windows - on sale now - don't miss out. I got so sick of politely declining that I told her flat out that there was no reason to continue this relationship. And not only did I have no need of their services now - but that it was utterly impossible that I ever would in the future. She inquired in her nasal tone as to the reason why and - I told her it was because my house didn't have any windows. There was this sharp intake of breath, silence, some fumbling of words an apology and finally a click. What I said to her... not so funny - the reaction - funny.
Not so funny as the time I answered the "You have been selected for a free vacation at our lodge..." as Howard Stern but funny nonetheless.
(Remember the soundboard post that I used to crank call my Dad? Same idea...)
My Mother had the best one ever when she guilt tripped the newspaper that was hunting her to the ends of the earth to subscribe - seriously being rude about it until she finally told them that the reason she couldn't subscribe was because she was blind.... I think the person started to cry.... so wish I could have been there.

Yay for Regimental....

Having genitals that close to the queen. It just somehow seems inherently wrong.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

I Was Just Up Really Early

I woke up really early this morning so I have just been looking for things to fill my time.... thought I'd pop in here a spell.... and admit that I turned a squirrel into a carnivore when I was 5.
I used to stuff my hotdogs into a hole in the apple tree in the backyard. I did this with increasing frequency since the squirrel seemed to enjoy his little offerings. (Far more so than the garden snake who didn't really like it when I decided he was thirsty.... don't even ask....I'kll just tell you that I have a history with those dixie cups...) I don't think my Mom clued in to the goings on until the squirrel started gaining copious amounts of fatty tissue as the summer progressed. I think it weighed in at about the same my cat did by the time September rolled around. He couldn't even jump across the branches of the tree anymore.

So anyways, just thought I'd tell you that it's my fault if squirrels start attacking farm animals or summer picnics. I take full responsibility. Good time for the warning since BBQ season is just around the corner...


Saturday, April 01, 2006

Resume Quotations

The following quotations were taken from resumes and cover letters from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people.


"I am very detail-oreinted."
"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
"Served as assistant sore manager."
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
"Special skills: Thyping."
"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
"I can play well with others."
"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."
"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
"I eat computers for lunch."
"I have used lots of software appilcations."
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
"I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."
"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."
"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
"I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."
"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately." (I love this one!)
"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."
"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."
"I love dancing and throwing parties."
"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."
"Special Skills: Speak English."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."
"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."
"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."
"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."
"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."
"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."
"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math." (THAT IS AWESOME)

Cover Letters:
"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."
"I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."
"Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
"If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."
"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."
"You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"
"I am sicking and entry-level position."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."
"I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."
"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."
"I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."
"I need just enough money to have pizza every night."
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
"I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience."
"My primary goal is to be recognized."
"Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."
"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
"I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."
"I am superior to anyone else you could hire."
"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
"Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."
"I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."
"I worked here full-time there."
"I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."
"You are privileged to receive my resume."(YOU'RE IN!)

Who would do this type of thing?! (okay okay, other than me)

Check out the toothpick. Impressive.