Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Now you have to understand my Father is the model of propriety. He was always very serious and proper. Growing up, we lived in a kind of awe of him. We also made fun of him a lot. He didn't always see the humour - but we did... often at his expense.
You also have to imagine all of our neighbours reaction to seeing their formerly distinguished fellow party goer dressed as such. I wish there were pictures. I would give my right arm for pictures. Truly.
Tonight I will be dressing the kiddies up and then eating all their candy. Promises to be a good night... and I promise there will be pictures.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Then - having completed an entirely too hectic day, I found it was going home time. When I reached the car and turned the key the gas light came on. I have a one hour drive home so I reached into my purchase to search out my wallet en route to the gas station. Search search search. Nada. I pull over and increase the depth of the search. Again. Nada. I return to the office and search around. Nope. Okay. I go downstairs to the restaurant to see if I left it there. Uh. No.
I drove to the gas station, cleaned out the $3.37 in my ashtray (lucky for me I had just emptied it out; hooray for timing!) and "filled up". When I handed it into the man at the gas station he just stood there clutching the hand full of change staring at me with the odd nickel rolling out and pinging onto the counter. I of course, laughed like a maniac. I think I had achieved the full on crazy laughter at that point.
I drove home fully expecting to run out of gas but didn't. Thank god. The entire time I was keeping Spartan apprised of my fabulous goings on via text message. At this point we are in entirely two different places laughing our asses off at my specialness. He must really love me. Then he called me and we laughed even harder. Thank god for my Spartan. I wonder if he realizes that this stuff happens on a continual basis and that the more time he spends with me the more likely the chances that he will get to witness this first hand - or even become a victim of it at some point. Well, in a way, he kind of already is a victim. LOL.
Tomorrow is Halloween. I'll fit in for a day.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Then - as I was being annoyed by someone behind me who had a screaming child (which is entirely unfair since once upon a time - not that long ago - that was me... but I was annoyed none the less) and I turned to give her a malevolent stare - it suddenly occurred to me that this was really - terribly unkind of me.
WHY would I shoot her the stink eye? It's not HER fault now is it? So I very appropriately redirected my crushing gaze to the offensive noise making toddler. (PMS anyone?). But when my eyes settled upon the little tot... my heart kind of constricted. Despite the fact that her little face was all screwed up and red with snot everywhere - she was adorable. So then I smiled at her, and she stopped crying, rubbed her eyes and turned to wipe her snotty little face allover her mother's sweet potato stained t-shirt. Then the defeated looking bedraggled mother sort of half shrug-smiled at me and I - instantly wished I could be struck down by that big Monty Python hand. Sigh. Then, the kid turned and smiled back at me. Yep. I suck.
This is where I come to confess my sins. I feel better now.
I won't, however, confess speeding up to steal the parking space from the old man. (WHAT? I couldn't SEE the walker until he got OUT OF THE CAR!) Not today. Nope. I'll save that one up for another day of self loathing.
(P.S. I WAS hungry at the time - but not to worry, I have replenished my supply of emergency protein bars once again so the world should be safe... for another couple of weeks...)
I'm always tempted at these types of places to stuff my pockets with food for later. It only seems fair... I mean there's no way I can eat the equivilant of food that everyone else does... or to ask for a doggy bag. You know - fill my plate up full and ask if I can wrap it up. That just isn't done - but it sure as heck doesn't stop me from wanting to. I at least managed to eat a plate of food and then I even ate dessert!
So anyways, my ex called and said he had to work so I brought the kiddles with me to the buffet. Because my uncle plays Santa Claus quite believably, they were convinced that Santa was actually having dinner with us. So they were angelic and the most well behaved children known on the planet.
When we got home I asked my daughter if she had a nice time, this was the conversation;
"Babs, did you have a good time?"
"Wasn't my bestest day."
"Oh, really?! How come - you were such a good girl!"
"Santa was there. I had to behave."
LMAO. I love kids. Wonder how much I'd have to pay my uncle to show up everywhere we go?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Okay... remember the shoes? Well... I think my wardrobe has taken on a new theme. Don't worry - I won't wear them together. Might make people dizzy... include myself, lol. Here ya go Spartan - Eli-zebra-ing about.
She is dating my father again - officially. They have been divorced for ten years but have spent nearly every weekend and holiday hanging out together as friends since. My father admitted it was all his fault so, 10 years later she has decided maybe to allow him the pleasure of her company in a dating role and they are now boyfriend and girlfriend. So, my Mother and I have switched roles and somehoworanother I have become her dating guru. My Mother is a darling woman, who is also a wee bit naive.
Not only do I find this new role endearing, amusing and heartwarming but also... at times... a little - no, a lot - awkward. I try to put on my best "Sex columnist" face and discuss things with her in a very adult and respectful manner. But occasionally I get a visual that induces instantaneous vomiting and the urge to find a phyciatrist. Also to stick my fingers in my ears and scream "lalalalalalalalalalalalaa, I can't hear you." Too bad there wasn't a mental imagery equivalent to doing this...
Perhaps when it comes to your parents and particular things, you are perpetually a 10 year old who would just - rather NOT know certain things. I prefer to think of my Mother as the virgin Mary. It works for me. :-)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Years and years ago when I lived in B.C. with my fabulous room-mate Carrie. There were a number of us who lived in this apartment complex that all hung out together. Many of us didn't have family immediately nearby so we all hung out together for various celebrations that would normally include family. We kind of made our own family. The holiday season was fast approaching and Carrie and I decided we would host a Thanksgiving dinner. Being 19 we had obviously never taken on such a task... but this did not dissuade us.
We had previously purchased a kind of large deep freeze for our very tiny apartment - can't really say why - seemed like a good idea at the time... we spray painted it white and the spray paint dust ended up landing on every surface - then the lid actually sealed shut with the paint.... but eventually we managed to crack it open and insert the largest turkey known to man. This thing had to be 50 pounds.
We came up with a menu that included all manner of side dishes normally served at such a dinner and furthermore decided that everyone should have an individually made lemon merange tart for dessert.
I actually worked shifts back then so the night preceding the dinner I was awake all night - but came home and was ready for battle.
We realized at about this time that the turkey was still really good and frozen despite being out for the night. Oops. So I ran it a warm bath and threw it in the tub... once it had kind of thawed we carried it into the living room and slapped it down on the living room floor and stared at it. (on newspaper)
"Wow. That thing is freakin huge."
"Do you know what we do now?"
Various phone calls to various relatives and we were told to butter and season the turkey and slap it in a pan in the oven... seems simple enough. The buttering of the rather large turkey revealed that it was indeed a slippery task. We buttered it while chasing it all over the house until eventually we had to stop and catch our breath then - we threw on some salt and pepper and stuffed it rather viciously with stuffing - but we weren't sure really which end to do that do nor were we aware of something called giblets.... ooops.
Once this task was complete we realized we didn't really have a pan of sufficient size to house our gigantic pterodactyl sized turkey - after some scrambling we came up with something and managed to squeeze it into the oven.
Task one was complete... we spent the rest of the day cooking everything else. We were bound and determined that everyone who was attending would enjoy a traditional turkey dinner. Anyways, just about the time everyone arrived I was barely able to keep my eyes open. I went to have a little rest. I fell asleep listening to my friends all hanging out and being happy. When I woke up - everyone had eaten and gone home. Woe. I never got my lemon tart (I think Joe ate it) - but really that wasn't the point. Everyone else did. Mission complete.
We cleaned up and collapsed on the couch. We ate left over turkey for an entire month (don't worry - we froze most of it, lol).
I miss those days...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
HAVE - A DODGE MINI VAN - I just lost all measure of coolness.
WANT - A Volvo or a Scooby Doo (Subarooooooo).
HAVE- Beautiful old money pit
WANT- a house with a porch all the way around it and a library (complete with a dewey decimal system)
HAVE- a job with flexible hours to allow for travel
WANT- um. someone to pay me to shop for them. that'd be fun.
HAVE – the most incredible absolutely positively most wonderfully fabulous guy in the universe
WANT - to not be missing him right now...
HAVE- two incredible, beautiful, funny kids that I adore
WANT- at least 10 more (KIDDING - relax my little goat)
HAVE- some (but where the hell did I put it? Shit, I think it's in the washing machine...)
WANT- to win the lottery and buy a castle with thrones and perhaps a built in spa and some pickens
7. Cell Phone
HAVE- a sadly beaten up somethingoranother - ah - it says on it "Sony Ericsson" and I bought it because I thought that the orange detailing was pretty. Priorities people.
WANT- one of those old brick cell phones in a brief case. Then I'll dress up all fancy and whip it out acting totally as though this was the hottest new trend.
8. Cell Phone Provider
WANT- them to pay me to use their service because I make it look cool, lol
HAVE- I been edumacatedd good
WANT- I'd love to win a full scholarship to Harvard, Princeton and Yale. And then have the time to actually go and the brain to get killer marks.
HAVE- Well wouldn't you like to know
WANT- to know what they are too, LOL
HAVE- um. It's black... got buttons...
WANT- I dunno.
12. Internet Service Provider
WANT- you to know I know nothing about these things...
HAVE- longish reddish brownish curly hair
WANT- It to be about 6 inches longer and not need as much product
HAVE- three (2 hazel, 1 red)
WANT- I'd love to have really green eyes. Kelly green I think they call it.
HAVE- one older brother
WANT- him to have 6 kids just like him and then be a stay at home dad. (muah hahaha)
16. Credit Cards
WANT- to use it less, lol
HAVE- this might take a while...
HAVE- 1 cat, and some other various creatures milling about including a very dead frog somewhere...
WANT- I'd love to have an Australian Shepherd one day
HAVE- pictures, SHOES, coats, books, clothes, movies, cds...
WANT- well, I dunno hows about a collection of crown jewels and sports cars while I'm at it! Or something really random and bizzare like a collection of mutant bugs.
HAVE- the best friends in the world
WANT- to not be missing some of them ALL OF THE TIME
Thanks Diva for letting me thieve this! (Not that you had much choice mind you)
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Walking about we were admiring some admirable pigeons that were pigeoning about. Both of us spot a brown one. I think "chicken" he says "looks like a hen". The two of us continue walking trying to come up with a name for our new found friend; chickegeon.... hengeon etc. Hours later in the middle of doing something completely unrelated (That would be playing Scrabble, dirty birds)... I blurt out "PICKEN!". The reliable Spartan doesn't miss a beat. High five Spartan!
In other news - we need a new roof. Got the estimate and work starts next week.... there goes the plastic surgery fund. Dangnabbit. Love this house but it is starting to piss me off. Next life I'm going to live like they do on Survivor. Except there won't be any bugs. Also - pizza will be able to be delivered there and there will a toilet that flushes. Maybe television...
Saturday, October 13, 2007
It has been there for a week. Every time we go outside it sprays. We have called the humane society (they are afraid of me now) but it's still there... and it still smells. AND I know everyone has smelled a skunk - either on the highway or when out for a walk - but when you get into close proximity to the initial spray - it is far worse than any smell in the universe. It is horrific. If it is still there next week - I am going to slap on a hasmat suit and do skunk recon.
Also, not drinking the water around here anymore. Just saw a blue jay the size of a crow.
I will be out happily gallivanting for a couple of days! Have a great weekend!!
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Here for your reading pleasure is a list of small (and large things) that magically happen in my daydreams:
1. I can actually fly. Not with wings. Nope. With the invisible inner tube that I used to dream I had when I was a kid. It enables me to soar through the air not unlike Superman. The problem was, whenever I took it off to land I would lose it. (it was invisible afterall).
2. I have a cottage somewhere on an island up on a hill. And around the outside of said cottage is a porch complete with several swings and wicker tea caddies. Also, there is a white horse with a grey muzzle that runs around in a field of long flowing grass that surrounds me. Everything is whitewashed and there are more windows than walls - all of which open wide allowing long white curtains to flutter in the - always present - gentle breeze. I go there on weekends and paint things. These paintings are always flawless and one day will hang in a museum. There are no bugs there ever. Especially spiders. (Perhaps I fly there with my invisible inner tube...)
3. I have the ability to fix things around the house, such as you know - levelling things and maybe do some plumbing. This obviously lacks the same quality of unrealism as the first two fantasies, but it is unlikely enough.
4. I nonchalantly use a Bewitched type wiggle of my nose or light saber to perform common household tasks.
5. I learn to sing Opera. This is about as likely as number 4.
6. I have the ability to freeze screaming children (medusa style) and remove myself from their company instantly. They are then delivered directly to my ex in laws house - when there are about 30 of them - they thaw instantaneously (or sometimes at exactly the stroke of midnight). (I am flawed, this I know).
7. I reach the age of 100 and then start aging backwards like Mork in Mork & Mindy.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Time went on and eventually school was over. Then the other day she called me out of the blue and told me that she missed me. (At which point I had to verfiy that the person I thought I was speaking to was actually the person on the phone with me). She missed me and wanted me to know that she thought that I was a wonderful person. I mean she just went on and on. (I don't want to brag but...)
Now I feel guilty for having to try so hard to like her. But in the end I did. I did like her. And it really touched me that she went out of her way to reach out like that.
Anyways, just wanted to point out that I'm glad I kept trying. Obviously there's more there than she initially wants people to see. There's probably a lot of people like that in the world.
As this weekend approached it was looking as though I would be alone this year for Turkey day. Not that I cared overly much. I can deal with the thought of not eating unparalleled amounts of turkey and mashed at Thanksgiving - Christmas however - I'm a bit of a fan of that particular holiday. It's my favorite - don't really know why. At Christmas I annually gain 2 or 3 pounds in one sitting. My family views gravy as a beverage and at Christmas - we drink a lot. lol.
Well, it appears that though my parents had initially intended to go south of the border to view a boat (you know, they intend to abandon me and sail around the world next year.... boo) but - plans have changed. They will be here and my father is going to prepare this weekends feast. I like that idea since my Dad and I - we like the wine - so I know there will be plenty. *joy* And Frank Sinatra and Norah Jones will be playing on the radio. As usual though, my family will try to tempt me with the always gross and disgusting pumpkin pie. I gag just thinking about this. I am deeply offended that someone put a vegetable in a pie and called it dessert (ah, finally I put 2 s's in dessert).
You know what would be great? If all the people that you loved could just *poof* be with you for a holiday. Regardless of where in the world they are or what they are doing - they would just appear my magic at your table. THAT would be quite an evening. I think that would easily take the place of the afore mentioned favorite holiday.
SO on I babble. My point - have a great weekend! Thanksgiving or otherwise. I'll be giving thanks this year for many things.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Anyways today - I was attacked. I was taking out the garbage and was descended upon by an army of furry spider beasts. I am so completely and helplessly terrified by these 8 legged creatures and it seems it just can't be helped. I feel like such a geek. There I was running down the street screaming at the top of my lungs at 7 am. The neighbours get quite the kick out of us as it is... but add some of my more exceptional moments into the mix and we have achieved a new level of notoriety. (This has happened more than once in the past and not only to me.)
A few weeks ago I was rescuing a mouse from my evil cat and a spider ran by - I nearly jumped out of my skin. It occurred to me that many people may have reacted that way to the mouse. It made me laugh. At myself. I do that a lot. Hard not to.
It was also pointed out to me last night that it is less than a month until I go back out west - and I'm really looking forward to it. I've already packed. Okay. Mentally anyways - which I'm sure will change many times between now and then.
My cousin moved out there a while back and since I used to live there she asked if I had any advice. I said yes;
1. Watch out for the S.O.U.S.'s (Slugs of Unusual Size). I am sure that they could completely devour an entire cat - and would - given the opportunity. (You nay sayers may tell me that they do not have teeth but I still think they are evil),
2. Outfit yourself with fabulous outdoor/yoga gear. It doesn't matter if you know how to do anything outdoorsy/yogaey - just look the part. Eventually you'll catch on. (Keep a Cliff Bar in your pocket for believability),
3. Avoid heroin corner,
and 4. Learn to love Starbucks as much as if not more than Tim's.
I miss it. I even miss the slugs. See you guys in less than 4 weeks though -ya BC lurkers.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
The street we lived on was lined with tiny houses. Most of the yards were filled with all manner of fruit trees - some had the odd goat...
My room was small and had green shag carpeting. Brilliant for hiding gum in. It also had a stairway up to the attic accessed through my closet - which also incidentally had a spy hole into the linen closet and when the door was open you could see into the upstairs hallway. Fantastic for tormenting my brother. It had a kitchen at the back of the house and a back porch with a huge yard. My best friend lived two blocks away.
When I was 9 we moved to a town closer to where my father worked - into a new survey filled with HUGE houses. It looked like a dollhouse and my parents were promising a pool. Behind our house ran a walking trail that led to a beautiful park with a trickling stream. The town itself was small and filled with old houses and historical buildings. It was picturesque to say the least. But for many years I missed my old house with its quirkiness and my friends nearby. Eventually though, I came to love it and made new friends. Eventually it too became my home.
It's funny, when you drive by the places from your memories. I've been past both of my old homes in the past two weeks. Both times the houses looked old and less "loved" than I remember. It was like after our family left they were inherited by people who treated them as houses instead of homes. They cut down the fruit trees (bees you know) and killed the Japanese Maple. Sad really.
I keep thinking that one day I might knock on the door and ask if I can look around. Might freak them out though. Maybe I'll pretend to be a Jehovah's witness and ask if I can come into to discuss the meaning of life over a cup of tea (or tequila?) and snoop around. I wonder if the blue stain is still on the cement floor behind the furnace from the food coloring I stole when I was 6 - or if they even know about the secret passageway in the back porch... maybe I could hide in it and scare the crap out of them? Or hide something really creepy in it like a bunch of half rotten taxidermied animals dressed like little clowns. (Okay, where did THAT come from. That's disturbed).
Maybe just this... or like... an army of them...
This post went sideways from sentimental in a hurry... lol.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Seriously people, you've been hanging around for quite a while and from some pretty cool places... but not a peep. Some of you have been here quite often - why not say hello? Then we can be friends and I can bring all of my pals from Canada to visit...
Nairobi Area, Nairobi, Kenya (How cool is that? This isn't Bethia is it?)
Hamilton Municipality, Hamilton, Bermuda (come on man, you keep on visiting - introduce yerself!)
Istanbul, Istanbul, Turkey (not Constantinople)
Washington, Point Roberts, United States (hi!)
I mean, lurk away but every once and a while say hello at least! I work hard for you folks! ;-)