Illusions....shattered...

25 signs you have grown up...
1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook-up and
break-up"
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids
next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit".
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar!
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus:You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll
enjoy it too....or you just post it on your blog ;-D...

Me Too!

From Post secret. Love this site.

Michael Jackson Visits Orphans

Doesn't that just inspire a warm fuzzy feeling all over? Or maybe that's better described as your skin crawling. I mean, come on buddy, an accused pedophile visits an orphanage and we are not supposed to think that is a little odd? Like we didn't notice he was odd before this - but every now and then he adds to the level of freakishness he had previously achieved.

The worst part is.... I had a crush on him when I was a little girl. My best friend Katie and I used to watch the "We Are the World" video and try to kiss him (I always landed a little late on Paul McCartney). We organized an entire slumber party around the viewing of "Thriller" and.... I wore a sparkly glove to school (come on, I was 6). Watch how he has changed here.

A related link - featuring my new best friend the insult dog...

That little fella warms the cockles of my heart...

Nice Little Movie - YES I can be nice.

This is very cheesy - but very beautiful.

Who Said Life Wasn't Funny Official Uniform

Have a look. Will be mandatory soon. (Or you can opt for this.... because I am a geek)

Mmmmmmmmm

Dried mango. Food of the gods. Who knew something so wondrous as this existed. If I was trapped on a deserted island - this is what I want with me. Not joking - you must all drop what you are doing and get some of this stuff - it's better than sex.

Somebody Pissed In THEIR Cheerios

What is with grumpy ass people? I am on "grumpass alert" or something today - either that or they have radar and are actively seeking me out.

It started out less than a block from home when I attempted to turn onto a street that was under construction. They have been flipping back and forth between two sections. Evidently, they had decided to move the construction past this particular side street so it was closed... but it was not blocked, there was no signage indicative of such a decision and the ass hat (who'd I steel that from, anna?) who was in charge of directing traffic was zoned out smoking his cigarette looking at the pretty trees. He comes to and starts making angry gestures at me and shaking his head in this overly exaggerated way. Asshole. He's been a total twat face since they started doing this construction last week. Thinks he's the king of all shitdom or something. Anyways I (being timid as I am) roll my window down and lean out to the other construction fellow passing by - "You know. He could have blocked the street off or something and he doesn't have to act like that." Lovely fellow says "Not to worry miss he suffers from Assholeolitis". I loved him. Instantly and irrevocably. (I am going to bake him something delicious tomorrow. He just made my day.)

No. It didn't end there. I just don't feel like going on about the others just now. They depressed me. And no one after that deserved any baked goods.

Once Upon a New York Evening

I was just reading a blog (cheezy's) and it reminded me of the time I got roped into going to New York for a friend's birthday party. Not anything so glamorous as one might think, it was in Buffalo New York. We started out okay - drinking Dom and taking a Limo to this restaurant that the couple we were with liked to frequent. They warned me ahead of time that this wasn't my kind of place. (I like how they centered me out since there were several others along for the trip) They keep making jokes about how I would react and ...I keep drinking. We arrive. Well - the limo pulls over and we are in a slum. I am SO NOT exaggerating. There were boarded up shacks and a guy pissing in an empty lot (facing the road) when we got out of the limo. The couple organizing this debacle lead us to a shack. Uh huh. A shack. Like as in falling down boards and old card tables strewn about a bar type of thing. I place myself safely against the wall in a corner and order a bottle of beer in the hopes that somehow it hasn't been contaminated. The look of apt horror on my face must have been impressive. There were people actually asleep on the bar. You had to go into the kitchen yourself to order food. I was starving but couldn't bring myself to do it. The others did and I wonder how it is they survived what came out on plates, surely it was roadkill. I remained with my back securely attached to the wall for the remainder of the evening. This was a great vantage point to observe the festivities. I saw an old man with no teeth hit on my friend and buy her a drink (since it was her bday) and his son flipped out about how these young whores go around robbing old men blind... tekkin vantage of em and all. He was ready to fight. Um... ya see in my books taking advantage of an old man would be like.... getting him to buy you a car not accepting a $3.00 drink at his insistence. How rude would it be to shove it back to him and walk away? Now thems fightin words. Remember how I told you I'd been pounding the champagne? Right well - that means I eventually had to pee. Shudder. The bathroom consisted of a whole in the floor and a blackened type of pot on top. It was like something you might stumble upon in Tijuana. After I got the crack whores to leave I peed standing up and hoped for the best. How is it that this place hasn't been shut down. Easy. Buffalo New York people. Need I say more. Next time someone says it's not my kind of place I think I'll stay in the limo.

This Made Me Laugh

Here Ya Go Boys n Girls

For the boys - or girls (click on it and move your mouse around)

For the girls (sorry he doesn't move his hips too)

Perty perty perty

I need to get photoshop.

Good Morning Sunshine

Family dinners around my house were always really fun growing up. Especially when we played little tricks on each other. But sometimes this backfired...

I played a joke on my Mom with the aid of these really magnificent fake carpenter ants... they appeared to be walking all around the kitchen counter and into the food and all the way to the fridge. And into the fridge. Anyways - many laughs about the fake ants after we scraped my Mother of the ceiling (she thought for a millisecond they might be spiders). Apparently she didn't notice the ones in the fridge. Well - our cleaning lady did. And she flipped out. It was an unexpected reward for my previous nights efforts. She really didn't beleive they weren't real. Too funny. They kept showing up for years and years in the most unexpected places.

Then the very next week I awoke to hear the same lady shrieking from somewhere in the house - I ran all over the place (assuming more ants...) and found her in the basement curled up in a ball on the floor waving a broom about her head. I managed to calm her enough for her to tell me that there was a bird or a bat flying around the basement trying to "get" her. (since most birds and bats find housekeepers delicious - little known fact). So - I see the creature in question - a starling - and I get a dress shirt from the pile of ironing. My idea being that we could sort of catch the little fellow in the shirt and get him outside. Problem was - every time we got close to catching him Sheila (housekeeper) fell to the ground and took her half of the shirt with her - and it took my half of the shirt and it in turn took me down. This wasn't really effective but we kept on doing it since we hadn't a better plan -- until we scared the bird into a window (house was a walk out) and it seemed to have broken it's neck. I picked up the bird. Lay him gently in my hand (on his wee back with his curled little yellow feet sticking up in the air) and walked somberly towards the door. Once outside I decided to look really closely (and I have no idea why really but did so nonetheless) and CAPOW he wakes up and flys directly into my face. I nearly shit my pants and almost knocked Sheila into the pool.
That was the last time Sheila ever showed up for work. Imagine that.

I Make Being an Idiot an Artform

Today I was driving home from the Doctor and my daughter was getting cranky. She wanted to escape the car seat. I was stopped at the intersection just before I was home because they are doing construction. Sitting and sitting. Screaming and whining. TV no longer interests her. I turn on the radio. Flip around a tad and land on something unexpectedly fun.... "I'm just burning doing the neutron dance...whoo hoo..." So I am animatedly singing to her and dancing like an idiot to entertain her. It's working and so I put on a real show. She laughs and laughs. I do the robot and some other very classy dance moves for her to admire. I'm so used to making an idiot out of myself in private (or relative private) that it doesn't occur to me that while we are all waiting there isn't much to look at - cept that crazy woman doing the neutron dance.... oh shit that'd be me. So I notice the tree cutting guys in the left lane beside me laughing and I motion with my hands the radio station numbers 97.3 and they obviously catch on and tune in... next thing you know they are tronning too - I glance in the rear view and the people behind me are dancing - the people behind the tree truck are looking around them like they are sure they are on candid camera. Then the construction fellow very graciously turns his sign to from "stop" to "slow". That was awfully fun but I must tell you I was rather relieved to see the "slow" sign - since that awkward feeling when you are all out of cool moves was just about to hit. lol.

Friends

A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift, A friends is someone we treasure for our friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives with beauty, joy, and grace And makes the whole world we live in a better and happier place.

-Jean Kyler McManus

I have great friends. Not everyone is as lucky as I am in that regard. They remember who I am - even when I don't. They know that sometimes it's okay to just not know where you're going - or to have messed something up along the way. They know your heart.

Everyone Needs Someone
People need people and friends need friends And we all need love for a full life depends Not on vast riches or great acclaim, Not on success or on worldly fame, But just in knowing that someone cares And holds us close in their thoughts and prayers- For only the knowledge that we're understood Makes everyday living feel wonderfully good, And we rob ourselves of life's greatest need When we "lock up our hearts" and fail to heed The outstretched hand reaching to find A kindred spirit whose heart and mind Are lonely and longing to somehow share Our joys and sorrows and to make us aware That life's completeness and richness depends On the things we share with our loved ones and friends.

-Helen Steiner Rice

Also - drinking beer with friends is much more fun than drinking alone. lol

RAT BOY

Kat - here's the link to the rat boy. For you and b.e. earl to enjoy. (This still makes me laugh so hard I pee every time I see it)

WHEN WE LADIES DRINK TOO MUCH

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. (it is)
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" (well - not so much these days but once upon a time...)
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. (these days that would be our date)
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN. (or we kiss him)
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop? or the bathroom floor... depends who you are...lol)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. (or we fall right into the toilet)
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT. (you mean it isn't?)

Tequila and a Toad

Yesterday was great fun. Went to Ikea (shut up nay sayers) and the highlight of my purchases was a lovely giant wall hanging of The Lady With the Veil (Alexander Roslin) and a new duvet cover - lovely and soft off-white with a touch of sage embroidery on it. Aaaaaaaaaand about 100 pillows to throw on my bed. I love throw pillows. When I was a kid I really really wanted to fill an empty pool with soft pillows and sleep there. Thought that would be just heavenly. (Unless you sunk down into the pillows and got stuck - then it might not be as much fun. Best stick to throw pillows on a traditional bed then.)

Anyways - then Mum asked if I wanted to go to the Casino.... well I'm not one to say no to that. So I beautified myself (she was already beautiful but she insisted on changing her outfit 200 times only to end up in the one she started in) and off we went. Our intention was to go for dinner first but the gambling got in the way and we forgot to eat. Then we stopped for a touch of Tequila. More gambling, more tequila. Next thing you know we have quite the fan club. It was a really fun night. I think my Mother wanted to hide under the table a few times, especially when the bartender jumped onto the bar to kiss me goodbye (he was really cute - and it was innocent really) but all in all she was a good sport. It's fun to be hit on with your Mother. They were all very nice to her too though. Don't get me wrong she had her share of suitors. She was especially keen over the one who looked like Mr. Toad. He really wanted to take her out for a spin. Kept sneaking up us. We kept collapsing into fits of giggles every time he magically appeared - he really did look like a toad. Kept expecting him to zap his tongue out of his mouth and say "needeep".

According to my Mother I was pretty drunk there at the end - I'll have to take her word for it since I don't remember (anything about the last hour or so...). Apparently I spoke in a Scottish brogue for the last bit and insisted on not getting into the elevator with the gang members. I actually said that last bit OUT LOUD. They were very impressed. Then when I did eventually get into the elevator I gave the buttons a sound beating - and we stopped on every floor. (I like buttons when I'm drunk I suppose).

Then we stopped on the way home at Harveys (I do not remember anything about it - so I'm going off of what Mum tells me happened) Evidently I was hungry since I ate all of my mine and my Mother's food before we even got home. Including her onion rings. I don't even like onion rings. Seriously. Blech. Fast food is only that good when you are drunk.

Anyways - no more tequila for a while (at least a day or two *wink wink*)


www.eun.org

I Know More Now - I Lived More Then...

When I was a child I did some really stupid things. I had an imagination - that was certain. And I often told fibs to my parents - you know... to make my life seem somewhat more interesting. Liiiiiiiiike, the time my pet rat Smudge escaped from her cage/dollhouse (I should explain that - I thought they might like a house of their own so I combined my rather large dollhouse with their cage - voila = rat mansion). Anyways she got out in my room and I could not find her - but I told my parents she was not lost. She was lost. Very very lost. She turned up a week later no worse for wear - and after some very crafty detective work from me. Now as a young teenager my room expressed my mind - a mess. It was totally disgusting. My parents used to hire a cleaning lady and she was expressly told not to go near my lair. (funny since now I am kind of tidy) I also painted on all of the walls with oil paint. Now, keep in mind I was my parents princess so my room matched this title and was very princess-esque - so it was really funny to see with the dark paintings all about. I, however, had a wee bit of rebellion in me and it started to really shine through when I hit those teenage years. There I was - all prinsessy and cute with two rats running around my person. Laughable now - perfectly understandable then. I did everything in my power to defy one person.... my father ("faja" for you Carrie).
My point? Well, my point is two fold. First - I am 30 so now I know everything (*smirk*) and secondly sometimes I wish I still had the balls to paint on my bedroom wall. I know more now - I lived more then. Now I am trying to find a happy medium. Lovely weekend to all.

Shocking But True

I am going to compile a list of things to do before I expire. (love that term - makes me feel like a jug of milk). During my research stumbled upon this one and scored a 42.
Take the quiz yourself and report back to me. (#19 no can do. #31 will not do. #55 I do daily - so should really get extra points! And #76 I am so doing and really soon).
;-)

I Found the Strangest Thing

Chewy's website. (in the profile there is even a soundclip)