Bedazzler be damned....

Instead Va-jazzled?

There is a place that bedazzles your nether regions...

New York City’s Completely Bare Spa, as a post-waxing add-on service (only because it would get a bit ick with all the hair and such...). An esthetician decorates your newly waxed private bits with Swarovski crystals.... with what I'm not sure. Crazy glue perhaps. (?) Hot glue gun? I'm thinking after a bikini wax you wouldn't even think it hurts.

Completely bare... with a flare.

I might bedazzle my hoo hoo with a sparkly portrait of spartan for our anniversary... or maybe just a great big heart with our initials in it...

Seriously people... what are you thinking. I wanna know.

Am I Cursed?

Ever feel like a walking train wreck? My husband deserves a medal for being married to me. I decided to wash his precious car and managed to scratch the shit out of the hood. Millions of tiny little scratches on black paint - looks like a cloud.

It took me nearly a week and many missed hours of sleep to admit my mistake. He had already seen it. He wasn't mad. He laughed at me and said "We'll get it fixed, you meant well."

Now I feel worse. I think I would have felt (temporarily) better if he had just yelled at me and told me I was an idiot. As it stands I have done that repeatedly to myself in the mirror since I messed up.

In other stories - I had a kiddy bday party the other day for my daughter. I took millions of kindergarteners to a movie and dinner. (Okay - maybe only 6 kids but... it felt like far more.) One of them bitched, whined, complained and cried the entire time (thank god that one didn't belong to me). Statements like, "I hate this movie - it's boring. I wanna go home. I don't want gummies I WANT CHOCOLATE!..." All of these statements delivered with a sour or angry crying face. But then miraculously when her mother appeared she sprouted wings and an angelic face to match. That child is the devil - I swear. If she ever comes to another party I will bring chocolate for everyone but her.

Helloooooooooooooooo

Okay people... I think I have settled enough into a routine now that the 'routine blogging" in my head can start appearing here again. I debated ending the blog but I can't say goodbye to you guys... your like some demented online family presence to me. I talk to you in my head. So you might still be stuck with me.

My wonderful magical prince of a hubby and I have been moved in and living in the U S of A for nearly 9 months now. I still get occasionally called out for the manner in which I evidently pronounce "sorry" but otherwise I can usually pass for one of the natives.... not like Native Americans but like a native American.... that seems redundant and confusing. Not that it would be bad to be mistaken for a Native American! I'm rambling. (When I say it in my head with the emphasis places just so - it makes sense... promise.)

I have been to many new places since we moved; Detroit, New York City (loved it), Philly, New Jersey and Wegmans. I'm starting to really have fun - as are the short people.

I have yet to go to lunch with the Obamas - but I'm sure the invitation is in the mail.

My sweetheart has planned some exciting adventures for the summer - so I'm busy trying to get back into bikini shape (damn you Wegmans). I don't know if you guys remember when I started running (like Frankensteins monster) or if you were still around when I reached my own tiny goal of running a mile nonstop? I'm now running 5K a few times a week... nonstop ;-) I am still trying to suppress the urge to run with my arms out in front of me.

Now that we are all caught up I've got to go do something useful.

Missed you guys.

WTF CVS??!!

I went into the CVS Pharmacy the other day to find a hair gel called Dippity Doo. Despite the name being kind of lame - it has been around for a thousand years. Everyone has heard of it. Except the guy working at CVS. (also for added reality in your imaginings the gentleman had a thick east indian accent - so imagine it up);

"Hi, do you guys carry the brand of gel 'Dippity Doo'?"

Shocked stare and then, "Pardon me madam?"

"You know Dip-pit-y DOO?" ...friendly patient smile "...do you guys have that brand?"

A more shocked stare... "I think it is in the feminine hygiene aisle..."

Then I returned his shocked stare.

Seriously - WTF?! I mean - come on. That's just disgusting. Imagine what he thought I must have been looking for? Whatever would a woman find in the feminine hygiene aisle with a name like that? I don't think I will be going back to CVS.

Happy Valentines....

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

The Snow Storm of the Century... and a deer!

The Snow Storm of the Century... and a deer!

Defining Moments

I just figured something out; we define the most important things in our lives by focusing on them. Be there negative things from our past that we bring up (mentally or in talking to friends) or positive things from the present that we focus on - that's what goes a long way to tell people who you are. It's not that we should not share our experiences - but we should focus on how much importance they play on the now. You know, pay attention to it.

I choose to let all of the negative things and experiences in my past - just go away. They served their purpose in getting me to where I am - and I've never been happier in my life. I am thankful every single day for the exact moment I am in. I am truly happy now. So from now on I choose to live in the present and enjoy the gift it truly is.

Also, I choose to drink vodka tonic (with a wee lime) as I have evolved somewhat from pina coladas and fruity drinks. Not that I'm saying they aren't still good - it's just that I've expanded my repertoire. It's all part of the now....

*yay*

dust bunnies

I've become somewhat handy in the past several months:

1. Not only do I now know of the existence of filters - I know how many my house holds within its walls and how to change them. I actually even change them. Huzzah.

2. I can change lightbulbs but often choose not to. My vain attempt at defying the universe. Sadly, I have ended up with several bruises because of it. I may have to find another way to go about this.

3. I love how everywhere in the USA has cards - member cards - everywhere. I have to buy a new wallet to house them. I have gotten pretty good at remembering which ones I already have... well I'm trying anyways.

4. I fixed the toilet. Seriously.

5. I have only forgotten to take the garbage out once.

6. The garb-orator provides me with endless hours of fascination. I especially love garborating limes and hamsters (just kidding - checking to see if you were listening).

7. I'm going to make it afterall. (Thanks MTM *throws hat joyfully in the air*)

Fa la la la l...l'over

the holidays over... partly sad and partly relieved I find myself sitting upon the couch with nowhere I need to be and no person I need to call... just sitting. *sigh*

Over the holidays I found myself held captive by several airlines in several different cities and decided that if a blind woman named Helen, who could not hear viewed life and - all of its experiences - as an adventure - well-that I should too. So I endeavored to just that very thing. I adventured to several places and stayed there despite not wanting to initially and I... well I met people; people who had been married 40 years and still liked each other more than anyone else on earth, a young woman who had never been up front - I taught her to get as many snacks as possible (-FREE - fill your bag babe!)and I told her to keep trying in school despite thinking it didn't make her feel cool (I never felt cool), and AND I learned that the human spirit is stronger and more lovely than ever. I also learned that no matter where you are - it really is who you are with that makes it worthwhile. I got to wave a fond farewell to the year I married my prince and welcome the new year in WITH my prince. I am truly lucky in every way you could imagine.

I braved the airport in Toronto on what has been deemed the worst day in a decade to do so. I saw stupidity (lots) but I also saw resilience. Oodles of it. That's what I take away. The spirit of it. That and the fact that all the crap made me think one thing... so many things to blog about ;-)

Happy 2010

Tis the Seeazin

Last night we got jolly. We played a board game (You Know You're a Redneck If...) that had us almost weeing in our pants. I didn't win... I think that's a good thing. I did, however, get to use my new perfected redneck accent. I also learned that port is scrumptious - well... I learned it a while ago but refreshed my memory last night.

I find myself in British Columbia for these festive celebrations. I have to admit that I am quite joyful about being in Canada for the holidays. Not just here but with my loving Spartan, his family and the bestest of friends surrounding us at all times. I'm so excited I practically scream Merry Christmas at poor unsuspecting strangers that I pass throughout the day. Everything is making me sort of ridiculously happy these days. My cheeks are a bit sore from the smiling.

Now in an unrelated story; went to the hotel gym yesterday for a quick work out. There was a woman on the elliptical with hobbit type harry legs, wearing capri's in bare feet... and when she left she put on knee high rubber boots. Does this type of shit only happen around me? I felt like I was drunk only I hadn't been drinking...

Merry Christmas you guys. Stuff yourselves full of yummy goodness and hug your loved ones up tight.

Herrrro out derrrrrr

I'm baaaack. Back to bitch, whine and complain and laugh about random stuff. Sorry about the absence; life took over for a while.

So let's refresh; in the past 6 months I have, a) gotten married to the love of my existence, b) moved to an entirely different country and c) all manner of other stressful stuff.

I can't believe it's been almost half of a year since we got married! Time flies. And indeed we have been having fun. Our next little adventure takes us back up to Canadia for the holidays - huzzah. I'm getting my snow shoes all shiny. Then for some reason the fates find me heading to Detroit - of all places - to bring in the new year. I'll be with Spartan *double happy claps and a wee bit of jumping in cheerleader type fashion* Yeah. Tell me that's not something a self respecting 33 year old should be doing....

Regarding the move - there are a lot of angry people around here. I mean ANGRY. It's insane. This place is funny all of the time. Lots of the women are the super competitive "that's nice" sort - kind of southern stereotype. Pretend nice but they are really just nasty. Example:

"Miss Liz! How are you!"

"just fine! How you doing Miss Rachel?"

"Just fine! Cept I accidentally dropped a chef knife right into the top of my foot when I was making dinner... and it's still there! What did you do today?"

"That's nice! I just got back from my mani-pedi and kick boxing class despite the fact that I have two broken legs - and I ran all the way there and back. I also took my daughter - remember her? She's little Miss Alexandria - over to the school so she could receive her "Nicest Peachy Smile and Wave" Award. Then of course I volunteered at the local shelter and popped a Prime Rib in and made some fresh bread... while it was cooking I repainted the house. What did you make for dinner Miss Liz?"

"Um... I made frozen lasagna.... and I shaved my legs today."

Anyways - I've given up on attempting to fit into their mould (mould - on purpose - mold - get it - he h

e he...). Not happening. I still clean my own toilet and look hot doing it (I got a cute apron and gloves with a ruffle - no shit - it's my way of making fun of them and looking good doing it)

The schools? That's a whole other blog. I might start one. Let me just say this - they fully expect their 5 year olds to graduate kindergarten being able to read Grapes of Wrath and then write their own novel. It's a bit crazy. I know in the long run it will serve the children well. But it's a little over the top to give a 7 year old an hour of homework every night.

**If they did a study - I would bet loads of money that the prescriptions for antianxiety medicines is higher in this area than anywhere on earth. Seriously.

I'm here and I can breathe... almost...

It's been quite the last couple of weeks. There are still several boxes here and there that need to be unpacked. Also a mountain of cardboard to be dealt with at some future date.

Moving is hard isn't it?

The kids swear that the Honey Nut Cheerios taste different. I'm inclined to believe them. Everything is familiar and slightly strange all at the same time here. I can only imagine what it must feel like for someone to move somewhere where everything is different. My heart goes out to them; even I struggle at times to understand some of the thicker accents here. Usually it is harder on the phone to understand but - at least it's the same language. I can't find Zoodles, but they do have Spagettio's - similar... but different. I think if I saw a Tim Horton's I might cry. Stupid, I know. I love it here - but I miss it there. The familiarity of it and the close proximity to friends. I know that time will make here feel more that way.

I suppose it doesn't help that Spartan is on the road. It's hard to settle into "our" new life when it's just me at the moment. Don't get me wrong; I know he has to (someone has to pay for the shoes!) but - I miss him. Like air. The feel of him beside me at night and the sound of his breathing. The smell of him. I keep sticking my face into his pillow and inhaling - at first I can smell him but then suddenly it fades - like I've inhaled the last bit of him that was there... only later on I can come back and do it allover again and I can detect that essence of him that lingers there - if only fleetingly. I didn't know...when you meet someone you love so much that every time they are gone from you it feels like a great big empty hole in your chest. It's what tells me unequivocally that I have never known love before and it is one of the most powerful things I have ever experienced. It's like a drug or something..

I have also never experienced such a powerful blow of jealously when I stumble across pictures from his life before me. It's alien to me. I hate that either of us ever had a past - if only I had known! It's funny how I would do anything to go back to when I was 16 - when I met my first boyfriend and have met Spartan then. But then I'm sure I wouldn't be who I am now or appreciate him and what we have the way that I do. Sometimes it's just hard to reconcile. He was a very kind husband; he gave me free reign to shred as I see fit. I have a level of guilt about that though. It feels small and petty... but then again it also feels kind of good. Like therapy. Maybe that's what I need; therapy! Or maybe I just need to feel that allover calm that I do the second he comes into a room.

I have to go make Spagettio's now. ;-) and maybe sniff the pillow....

This

I'm ready for the end of the big events and settling into my life. My whole new - very lucky and very happy - life.

It makes me reflect; leaving here and packing up... finding old photos of old friends. Saying goodbye is more than a phone call, a coffee or a dinner with friends and family isn't it? It's knowing that some of the places you are going - and have been going for the past several years - might never be gone to again and some of the people might not be here when I get back.

So today, with a strange sort of clarity I "saw" and "heard" some of the places that I have been going all these years. It almost seemed like - in an odd way - for the first time. Like my brain was recording everything.

I have thusly committed myself to being a little more "present" and awake everywhere I go from here on out. Because I've always been a big fan of telling myself that the goal is ---- not to live in the past... or live only looking forward to the future but instead, to look forward to right now.

Pst. Spartan, Honey? Know what I'm looking forward to? THIS. I love you. Thank you for right now and every right now from here on out.

Packing packing packing and SPIDERS

It never ends.

I have discovered several new species of arachnids. They exposed themselves to me in the damp dark fruit cellar portion of the basement that sits beneath my house.

They did so under duress; upon the detonation of a carrot juice bomb. I inadvertently touched the bottle and KABOOM resulting in shards of glass, a loud noise and whatever was once carrot juice - that now was vinegar like - copious amounts - oozing about the fruit cellar and making way for the drain.

This was followed by an explosion of large furry eight legged creatures running haphazardly about trying in desperation to avoid my shoe. While I tried to avoid getting any of them in my shoe - or on my person.

**This development seriously rerouted my previous "make believe" game that all of the spiders went to live outside - thus my ability to remain rational and actually enter the basement to pack.

Of course, vinegar attracts fruit flies. So - I was trapped in the fruit cellar being attacked by spiders and fruit flies trying to gulp air and clean up. I think I only inhaled one of the flies. I promptly put on a mask.

I HATE BUGS. Which is why I will never live in a house that is a century old again. That wasn't my smartest choice. Actually, I don't think I will live in anything over 15 years old.

Remind me not to let carrot juice ferment again. That was utterly stenchy.

A Canadian in America

Hello blogland!

Sadly; shortly after being all wedded up to my hero we were banished back to both of our respective kingdoms on either side of the continent. Seems quite a cruel trick the universe at large is playing upon us. Back to several phone calls and text messages a day - where if I close my eyeeees hard enough I can almost pretend he is with me and we are just having a conversation. But then there are times at night where I wake up disoriented and go looking for him in the bed only to discover that I am - all alone. No closing of the eyeses helps the feeling I get in my tummy - like someone punched me.

But! The reason I am here and he is there is because we are packing up our respective kingdoms to prepare to move to our new home... in VA. *yay*

Luckily for us we have a smattering of friends there - so it is not as if we are without subjects. (I jest -- ha ha see what I did there?) - but it is an entirely different country.

Though I have lived a short drive from the US my entire life - I still find the future a little daunting.

I find myself asking important questions, such as: do they have Campbells soup in the US? Do they sell my brand of hair product AND - where will I get my Ketchup and Dill pickle chips from???? Will I like Wegmans and Pottery Barn - and will people still smile and say hello when passing on the street? Will I be allowed to sit on the perverbial fence on big political issues as Canadians are apt to do? Will all of the neighbours think I own snow shoes, speak Canadian and have intimate knowlege of building igloos? Will I be prone to tears when at sporting events and hear the Canadian anthem? Will I forget where I came from? Or how to get home for a visit? Driving back to visit - whole other terrifying prospect. I'll have to look into getting a GPS that speaks Canadian *wink*.

It appears the train to adult hood has picked up speed... *sigh* Guess I'd better buckle in.

So... back to the onerous task of donating items no longer in use, throwing out broken things and preparing for the final phase of my whole new life and missing my darling husband. It's amazing how much stuff you accumulate in 33 years... and how much of it seemed to be important but now seems nothing more than excess baggage.

Introducing Mr. & Mrs. Spartan!

Photos courtesy of my fabulous photographer, Michael Wachniak. He rocks. Truly.

Greetings blogland! I'm finally Mrs. Spartan! It was a whirlwind - an absolute fairytale. I'm back home now - busily packing up all of my worldy belongings and getting ready to move in 5 short weeks.

I couldn't be happier. The wedding was wonderful! The food, the friends, the everything! All of my friends were so wonderful. Couldn't have done it without them. They very kindly administered the wine at regular intervals.

I will post more pictures when I can. In the meantime - hope you are all well and we are nearly to a point when life will slow down enough for me to join back into the blogging world.

Cheers!

I leave in 12 days!

Okay people. I've been pretty distracted lately. (As Badger noted in the last post ;-))

A few things have happened;

We bought a house. It has a force field.

We are moving to Virginia, in the U.S. of A. I hear there is less snow there... they also have wild ponies and a wonderous place called Wegmans.

I am getting married in a couple of weeks and I am super excited!!

So - the posts may be sparse for a tad longer but I promise once I'm settled I will be back to annoy you with every last detail of my life.

35 days and counting

I love that post card! (http://www.postsecret.com/)

I am still here... just insanely preoccupied at the present. 35 days to go and the dress actually zips up. Off to a fantastic start. I am so excited!!! Can't wait to be Mrs. Spartan!!!! I'm such a lucky girl. He is the most wonderful man on earth.

35 days till I do and 25 days till I leave en route to the destination! Have I mentioned I'm excited?!

Hope all is well with everyone and I'll be back soon....