Jumping the pond and crafting

My husband has to go to work in Europe and his company funds the wives to tag along... so I am off to destinations that are mysterious and unknown to me this Monday. I am uber giddy. Also, I got a puppy. He has the cuteness and he is possessed.

I am very excited that my Mommy is coming to visit/hang with ankle biters - and I have so much laundry and dusting to do that I have found myself confused and dusting the laundry. All of this fascinates you to no end, I'm sure of it. I also dusted the very screen I type to you on now. Impressed? No matter. I am.

I had a craft night with my girly friends last evening. This is such great fun. We craft... we consume wine and eat chili and a smattering of yummy treats and we giggle. We go home - we eat a package of gas x and sleep. Then the next day we try to make the craft look like it was not made by a drunk ... or we just say our little kid made it when people ask. If you don't have a little kid- you volunteer at a home for the aged and your pal Betsy who is 106 made it with her poor arthritis riddled hands. That serves two purposes; locks in your vote for sainthood and makes them now look upon your creation with a new found admiration. It's fun. You should do it. I was in a book club...but nobody read the books so we changed plans. Besides...Betsy is nearly blind and loses interest in books on tape...and I'm so not going to read to her - I have laundry ;-) which I should get back to....

Have a great weekend.

E

Hotter than hades

I type this sitting in a bucket of tepid water. This - in a vain attempt to remain cool. It is so hot. Attempted to golf last week and lost 70 pounds in water weight. (ok maybe a I exaggerate). People get strange in the heat... though I suspect they may have been strange before as well - the heat just really brings it out. Was packing my groceries into the back of my car the other day and a man (who I thought I was being paranoid but appeared to be stalking me in the produce aisle) waiting for me in the parking lot - drove up behind me and here is the conversation;

"Excuse me?" man says politely while pulling up behind me in a truck he must have borrowed from Roddy Piper.

I turn around suspecting someone is about to ask for directions, "Yes?"

"I saw you inside and I just wanted to tell you..."

At this point I imagine he is going to say something like - you have toilet paper on your shoe...but wait...

"...that you have an INCREDIBLE BODY." Then he just nodded at me as though this was a perfectly appropriate thing to say to a perfect stranger. At which point I decided maybe he was going to tell me I had toilet paper on my shoe and chickened out so I checked anyways. Didn't see toilet paper --- odd...

As he drove off he emphasized "Absolutely amazing."

I was torn between being strangely flattered/offended and feeling a need to shower.

Who does that to a stranger?!

My lovely hubby is coming home to save me...

WHAT A WEEK.

The Bachelorette - are you kidding me? This reminds me of all of the horrible dates before I met my hero *Spartan* swoon. Still doing that (not the horrible dates the swooning)- probably more so now than before since I love him more everyday. (vomit in your mouth yet?) He has been away for work a lot lately so I have been in charge of cleaning up basement floods, the removal of ticks (niiiice), letting the children out of their cages and repairing general household things. Hubby is coming back to save me. I am very happy about that. I'm at the end of my imaginary rope... and nearly out of wine.

I went for a fish pedicure last week. Fish tortured me with their toothless little mouths by biting at my feet for 20 minutes. Before you wonder - yes - I paid for this experience...and I'm not entirely sure why. It was kind of horrible ...like when your little and someone tickles your feet to the point where it just hurts. I saw Diane Sawyer do it so I figured, what the hell. Then I sat there for 20 minutes thinking... what the hell?!

Okay I have to go feed the carnies.

Beauty and Sex

Got your attention didn't I?

Actually I just came here to tell you that Botox is the best thing ever. I wish I had found in 10 years ago. Now excuse me while I go flirt with myself in the mirror again...

Have a great weekend.

Potty mouth, tornados and the royal weddedness

I've been swearing a lot lately. Not sure why...not sure I'm going to do anything about it. Just thought I'd recognize it. Put it out there.. own it. Fucking embrace it.

Bad weather. Tornados and thunder storms all around me. The entire east coast looks like when the gates of hell opened in ghost busters. (Is that what was happening? You know with all the swirly dark clouds and such.) The kind that touch down and steal your livestock - or your kids. (Which is funny because we got an email from the school urging us to walk our kids to the bus because of the weather - which makes me object on many levels...and I was like hell no I'm not getting swept away too!! I'm kidding. I thought that... but I still went....)

Anyways - in light of the storms I thought the best thing to do would be to talk on the phone, run a bath and type a post on my computer. At the same exact time. All three things would make my mother keel over directly. All three things done together will clearly make her head explode. She has been convinced for her entire life that the lightening will come through the pipes and the phone and cook your brain. I'm sure the computer is the same since it is on our list of storm no-no's.
When I was a kid she would usher us into her make shift bunker beneath the basement stairs. If you think tornados scare you mom, I blame your fear of them for my fear of spiders and small places. It isn't like the woman ever experienced a traumatic event personally from a storm... you could say I did since my childhood kitty was killed by lightening - but not her. She freaks the second she thinks a storm is coming to this day. She watches the weather channel for hours on end to make sure she is on it. She is like the opposite of the storm chaser. She will point at a fluffy white cloud in a blue sky and announce that it doesn't look right... that it looks like a tornado cloud... and then spend a ridiculous amount of time staring it down.

I have to wake up at 4 am to watch Prince Wills marry Katherine. I dvr'd just in case I drink myself into a coma before bed - well you know in celebration and such. LOOK - I'm Canadian and that means that he is going to be my King... so it is my duty to celebrate. I can't wait to see what she wears and her hair, what he wears, so swoon romantic! Weddings! Princes! Carriages... etc. Sadly my very own Prince Charming is trying to fly home but is trapped where he is because of the weather (I stopped myself from swearing just then... don't want to overdo it...). Hope he gets home so I can tuck my feet up under him at bed and gaze adoringly at him as I fall asleep.... (in my wedding dress... lol)

*bonus* Last week I had a dream that I commissioned a painting of my Spartan on the ceiling of our bedroom. Then I woke up and was like, "wtf?" and then eventually came round to thinking it might be a good idea... which would be waaaay creepier if we had just started dating or something. Just saying. Not exactly normal when it's your husband but less creepy... right? Maybe a little? HMMM?

Ants, birds and a dripping faucet and not in that order

I'm annoyed.

Birds in my dryer vent scared the shit out of me this morning while I was looking for socks for Babs... hadn't quite woken up yet either. Very disturbing. For a split second the irrational thought; "This is it the end of the world... tiny squeaking aliens are about to come through a porthole that just happens to be right where my dryer is. Fanfuckingtastic." I think I read too much science fiction. I'm afraid to turn on the dryer and cook those suckers.

Ants. Fucking ants are trying to turn my very lovely home into an ant farm. They appear to like the cracks in the corners of the doorway... which means I have to call out the pest folks who appear in the form of one very young giggly fellow who I'm not sure does anything useful at all.... CUZ ANTS ARE EVERYWHERE and he just came 3 weeks ago...

Lastly - my faucet in the kitchen is dripping. It's slowly making me lose my grip with reality. Last night when the house got quiet - it seemed to get much louder to the point where I jumped up and yelled "I'll tell you what you want to know - JUST MAKE IT STOP."

I'm going to the store to buy one of those tiny blowtorches they use for creme brulee... I think it might be able to solve all of my problems - even if only temporarily...

Oh and seriously if Donald Trump runs for office why don't we urge Madonna to take over as Treasurer and maybe one of the reality stars from the hills could get in there... or maybe a character from sesame street.

You really want to know what I think....

In Canada visiting family. While here I decided to check into a hotel nearby to free up room for other relatives with small(er) children. Also so I can use the gym...and yeah ok the spa. But mostly because I kick ass in the generosity dept ;-)
Anyways when I went to use the gym which is really really small -about the size of my walk in closet-and it isn't an Oprah closet before you ask... So I'm working away sculpting and such (that's what happens in the movie in my mind-in reality I thInk it just ensures I can still do up my jeans which is also nice...) when suddenly 3 adults and their tiny spawn enter the gym whereupon they ALL start playing. The kids were hanging on the pulldown bar and then they played on the elliptical and so on. The adults didn't do anything useful either. They just got in the way. What do I really think? Get out. I'm busting my ass here and in about 5 minutes I'm going to play "catch" the medicine ball with your three year old - and that will only end in tears. My other plan involves bowling overhand with both of your brats with them ending up somewhere in the hot tub cooking them into children stew. Yep. That's what I really think. The arcade is in the lobby you terds.
I gave up after about 20 minutes and cut my work out short. I spent the next hour wishing them ill-which I'm doing again right now....

So then this morning I went to breakfast and there was this family who was trying to break the Guinness record on carb inhalation and they are sitting right in front of me so I am totally staring. Can't help it they were fascinating. So this kid with them is about 7 and he is alternately
Opening his mouth for his mother to stuff waffles in and playing is ds. Evidently the battery died on his electronic device because he collapsed into a blubbering heap of loud tears. Know what his mommy did to make him feel better? She built him-and in mean built this would have challenged even the best architectural engineer- a waffle sandwich stuffed with at least 30 pieces of hot greasy bacon. Then she flattened it and handed it to him. So he stopped crying and in the most horrific way imaginable ate it all and ask for toast. I looked down at my plate of fruit and felt very proud... And I wrapped my bacon up in a napkin to hide it...lol....for myself more than anything. Plus I thought the kid might attack me for it when he was done eating his toast like the cookie monster. Jeez people. Why not just feed him a vat of lard and give him some ciggies? The gym is on the 2nd floor you terds... (see what I did there?)

Side note- this post was painstakingly typed out on my iPad folks-it took me forever. Hope you appreciate my efforts to tell you what I really think... Happy Easter!

Let's see if she has anything interesting to say folks...

Since every single time something funny happens I still find myself writing about it in my head... I figured I might as well write it here.

Still living in America. Looks like I might be the first generation to permanently move back here since my Grandfather. Way back when someone in my gene pool jumped over the pond from somewhere in Europe - rumored to be Scotland and Ireland and eventually came to the States and some to Canada and now my family is split betwixt. And I spend so much time going back and forth and forth and back that I still feel split betwixt.

This is a good pairing of cultures since I can now benefit from both Thanksgivings and preferred taxation.

I went on a field trip to the Museum of Natural History last week. I had the flu - well I was through the worst of it but then I sat in the back of the bus...as imagined not a good plan. I spent 3 hours in between dizzy spells and feeling nauseous - mix in the odd dinosaur skeleton and 5,000 hyperactive children and that pretty much sums up my day. Seriously, who decides this shit is fun. Next year I'm going to suggest a field trip where the adults can drink. It's only fair. Children like to see how shit is made right? Why not wine? That's what I say.

I'm going to make sure I start researching this right away... :-D

So Goodbye For Now...

I know this sounds stupid but it just seemed to final to say goodbye... life is just too busy right now. I know you guys aren't surprised.

BUT I promise that one day I will return. I actually miss you guys so much! I feel like I moved away from you guys too!!

I think about you guys all the time! I will make an effort to at least stop into your fabulous blogs on a regular basis - now that the pressure is off ;-)

Love Lizzy

PS-WTF is with Toe Shoes?

Philly- wooooohoooo

I went to the Game 4 of the Stanley cup finals yesterday. I took the train. It was very fun. I got a hideous orange swag shirt *for free* AND stayed up stupid late (6am ish). I am prone to motion sickness... train ride was not so easy... I must seek the comfort of my lovely bed very early tonight - And some meds to assist with nausea.

That was the most fun I've had in AGES. I think I might not be able to stay up that late again in my lifetime... I'm getting too old for sleep deprivation. But I highly recommend that once or twice a decade - you act like a teenager and stay up all night. I"m pretty damn sure we solved a lot of the worlds problems... if only I could remember the conversation ;-D

Adventures... and a train.

I am going on an adventure by train next Friday. I am excited. I'm tempted to dress up like the characters in White Christmas - when they were on the train to Vermont. But - it is pretty likely I would die of heat exhaustion.

I had my cholesterol tested for the first time a week ago. Made me feel old. I was kind of surprised to see it was 200. I eat super healthy and work out all the time - plus I'm not overweight. HDL was 94, LDL was 93 and triglycerides were 63. I think I would already have high cholesterol if I had a different lifestyle. That freaks me out. I fully intend to live forever. Lucky for me my blood pressure is 100 over 70. I'm sure that will buy me a year or two.

Going to see Sex in the City movie this afternoon. Going to order nachos with cheese... I hear they do wonders for cholesterol...

Health returns

I'm finally feeling better.

Anyone here watch Cougar Town? Love that show.

Anyone here eat at Chipotle's? Love that place.

Anyone here ever see this picture. Love kids.

srsly?

Day two

Feel like I'm running the sick bay on the Star Trek Enterprise and you are the ship's log. Yes. The cold meds are that good. The only drawback is - I keep thinking that the laundry room is the holodeck and it's malfunctioning.

Babs has ceased puking and is now found in various rooms on the floor asleep. Spartan is getting my cold because I suck. Roo is the only healthy one thus far. I think I might make him captain.

Sick comes in waves...

....much like nausea.

Last week Babs had a runny nose. This week - the day after my annual physical ---- which is never a highlight ----- I came down with a cold that had me on my ass for two straight days. I'm still kind of green and my head is all floaty. Which is kind of nice compared to the previous two days... but then...

- the kids biodad came to spend the weekend with them which is lovely but- he had the flu. He had the flu and then after three days with the kids Babs puked in the back of his new car. He has to drive 6 or 7 hours home. Shheeeesh. Not the fun weekend he had in mind...

Just returned from holding back the wee Babbies hair while she hurled yet again into a bucket.

She just quietly finished and said... "...guess the medicine didn't work..."

Guess not.

She's finally asleep for a wee nap.

The final icing on the cake if you will; just had the carpets Oxicleaned yesterday. *SIGH*

Oh the universe and its sense of humor. Never ceases to amaze me.

Oh yes - and did I mention that Spartan finally came home from a long road trip to find us in this extreme situation? Yep. *SIGH*

Might I have abandoned you too long?

Getting married, moving and all manner of drama. Forgive me and please come back...

Bedazzler be damned....

Instead Va-jazzled?

There is a place that bedazzles your nether regions...

New York City’s Completely Bare Spa, as a post-waxing add-on service (only because it would get a bit ick with all the hair and such...). An esthetician decorates your newly waxed private bits with Swarovski crystals.... with what I'm not sure. Crazy glue perhaps. (?) Hot glue gun? I'm thinking after a bikini wax you wouldn't even think it hurts.

Completely bare... with a flare.

I might bedazzle my hoo hoo with a sparkly portrait of spartan for our anniversary... or maybe just a great big heart with our initials in it...

Seriously people... what are you thinking. I wanna know.

Am I Cursed?

Ever feel like a walking train wreck? My husband deserves a medal for being married to me. I decided to wash his precious car and managed to scratch the shit out of the hood. Millions of tiny little scratches on black paint - looks like a cloud.

It took me nearly a week and many missed hours of sleep to admit my mistake. He had already seen it. He wasn't mad. He laughed at me and said "We'll get it fixed, you meant well."

Now I feel worse. I think I would have felt (temporarily) better if he had just yelled at me and told me I was an idiot. As it stands I have done that repeatedly to myself in the mirror since I messed up.

In other stories - I had a kiddy bday party the other day for my daughter. I took millions of kindergarteners to a movie and dinner. (Okay - maybe only 6 kids but... it felt like far more.) One of them bitched, whined, complained and cried the entire time (thank god that one didn't belong to me). Statements like, "I hate this movie - it's boring. I wanna go home. I don't want gummies I WANT CHOCOLATE!..." All of these statements delivered with a sour or angry crying face. But then miraculously when her mother appeared she sprouted wings and an angelic face to match. That child is the devil - I swear. If she ever comes to another party I will bring chocolate for everyone but her.

Helloooooooooooooooo

Okay people... I think I have settled enough into a routine now that the 'routine blogging" in my head can start appearing here again. I debated ending the blog but I can't say goodbye to you guys... your like some demented online family presence to me. I talk to you in my head. So you might still be stuck with me.

My wonderful magical prince of a hubby and I have been moved in and living in the U S of A for nearly 9 months now. I still get occasionally called out for the manner in which I evidently pronounce "sorry" but otherwise I can usually pass for one of the natives.... not like Native Americans but like a native American.... that seems redundant and confusing. Not that it would be bad to be mistaken for a Native American! I'm rambling. (When I say it in my head with the emphasis places just so - it makes sense... promise.)

I have been to many new places since we moved; Detroit, New York City (loved it), Philly, New Jersey and Wegmans. I'm starting to really have fun - as are the short people.

I have yet to go to lunch with the Obamas - but I'm sure the invitation is in the mail.

My sweetheart has planned some exciting adventures for the summer - so I'm busy trying to get back into bikini shape (damn you Wegmans). I don't know if you guys remember when I started running (like Frankensteins monster) or if you were still around when I reached my own tiny goal of running a mile nonstop? I'm now running 5K a few times a week... nonstop ;-) I am still trying to suppress the urge to run with my arms out in front of me.

Now that we are all caught up I've got to go do something useful.

Missed you guys.

WTF CVS??!!

I went into the CVS Pharmacy the other day to find a hair gel called Dippity Doo. Despite the name being kind of lame - it has been around for a thousand years. Everyone has heard of it. Except the guy working at CVS. (also for added reality in your imaginings the gentleman had a thick east indian accent - so imagine it up);

"Hi, do you guys carry the brand of gel 'Dippity Doo'?"

Shocked stare and then, "Pardon me madam?"

"You know Dip-pit-y DOO?" ...friendly patient smile "...do you guys have that brand?"

A more shocked stare... "I think it is in the feminine hygiene aisle..."

Then I returned his shocked stare.

Seriously - WTF?! I mean - come on. That's just disgusting. Imagine what he thought I must have been looking for? Whatever would a woman find in the feminine hygiene aisle with a name like that? I don't think I will be going back to CVS.

Happy Valentines....

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