Thursday, April 19, 2007

A little bit more of the mom story...

*some events are based on my experiences but this is pure fiction...hope you like!

Wednesday, February 8th 2006 7:30 am - Savoring delicious bucket of very strong coffee. When all else fails I still have my coffee. Imagine that during my gym assessment they dared to suggest that if I was to correct my nutrition that I may wish to swap my coffee creamer for skim milk! She allowed it in the end because I wouldn’t stop crying and holding her ankles. I can work out on evil machine designed with torture in mind as long as they let me have my coffee the way I like it. Do however, wish that fat bald man would stop staring at me on the elliptical.

Note to self - have someone repair the scale at the gym. It is terrible and vile.

9:00 pm - Awed and dismayed by husbands attitude towards Visa bill. Doesn’t understand purpose of buying toddler $55.00 jeans from boutique. Imagine. I had to plead my case that obviously she needed said jeans since otherwise what would she wear the $43.00 blouse and $60.00 shoes with from the matching line?! He didn’t seem to feel better so I kept the other items purchased from same place to myself. But really - I mean they are mix and match so I don’t see his point.

Thursday February 9, 2006- early morning. Eyes too tired to look up at clock. Imagine somewhere in the realm of 4 am.

Am quite sure today is the day that all of my sweating blood and fantastic work out regimen will payoff tenfold - someone will repair the scale and I will find I have lost 20 pounds and am svelte and sex goddess-like. Surely my hours of backbreaking exercise must have been for something other than the amusement of the bald lecherous fellow who stares at me the entire time I am there. Will surely also be the day that my daughter finally settles into the daycare without screaming until she pukes and all of the mother’s with perfect children can stop pointing and staring at me. Yes, I have a great feeling about today.

Mid morning - lazy gym people say that the scale is correct. Know they are lying and just don’t feel like fixing it. Will go forward on the assumption that have reached goal weight and celebrate by taking myself out for delicious lunch. Unfortunately will have to eat it in the car since I have to pick my son up in 20 minutes. Will settle on baked potato and chicken sandwich. I am very proud of my new and improved healthy choices.

Friday February 10, 2006 - 10 :00 am - Today is day to check in with my fabulous fitness guru and time to display my new physique. Will proudly list off last weeks meals with zeal and fully appreciate the pats on the back I receive for being so full of will power.

10:45 am -Fitness Nazi says that the extra sour cream and butter on potato and mayo on chicken account for more caloric intake than is suggested for an entire day. Also reprimanded for white bread even though I argued that it is actually kind of yellow. Don’t want to tell you what she said about the large pop. It was just rude.

Have gained 3 pounds but surely this is due to muscle weighing more than fat and looming period. Also, lady at daycare said my daughter is too demanding and perhaps not ready to be separated from Mommy. After much groveling (and a hundred bucks) she agreed to take her back but only for ½ an hour a day until she got over this separation anxiety and stopped biting the other children. All other Mother’s of perfect children come rushing forward with advice. Wish they would all take their perfect children (who are likely drugged) and piss off.

Am off to Mother’s for the weekend to loll in self pity.

Monday February 13, 2006- Mother has all of these lovely scented candles that she occasionally lights and decided to do so (about 3,000 of them) while I stayed this weekend. At first I watched thinking I might witness something amusing like her setting her hair ablaze but when the whole thing seemed to be progressing in a normal fashion - I glanced away. (I should know better). I look back seconds later to find my Mother banging her hand on the table and dancing in this odd panicky sort of fashion in manner of schizoid attending a rave. An odd smell permeated the room (scented candle?) and she continued her spastic dance. (I wasn't entirely sure at this point if assistance was required or if she was listening to the only song on her new mp3 player again - another story that I find terribly amusing...) Moments later she collapsed in a heap on the couch beside me and let out a sigh of relief - and then turned to display the remnant of her previously perfectly manicured thumbnail that had only seconds before been on fire. Well. That explains everything doesn't it. One of many lessons learned that evening and possible most important - Mother should not be allowed near any source of flame or heat. (Also, might need dance lessons.)

8:45 pm - Shit. Shit shit shit. Just realized tomorrow is Valentine’s Day neglected to get my poor husband anything. In morning, must make mad dash to grocery store and purchase Maxim magazine and something with cars in it. Sure to be forgiven when apology is made by presenting half clad women and cars with very delicious romantic meal…..
Tuesday February 14th 2006 - Saint Valentines Day

6:15 am. Have been awake since 3:00 am with very sick little boy. How can someone so small throw up so much? Poor thing. No way to take him shopping in this condition. At least his sister got to practice finger painting. (and if that doesn’t kill you…) Will have to make due with whatever I have in the house.

6:30 pm - Finally got William to stop vomiting long enough to watch Barney. Have managed to locate delicious instant side dishes that I think will compliment each other quite well. The menu for the evening consists of Hamburger Helper (but no beef so with hotdogs instead), some sort of New Orleans style rice dish, dinobuddies and some lovely sort of filo encased desserts. (Can’t remember what’s in them since just found in plastic zip lock in freezer but am sure are quite lovely.)

9:00 pm - Hint; don’t pair Hamburger Helper with hotdogs. Filo desserts turned out to be stuffed with Salmon. Would have been fine except for the chocolate sauce (found one thing that doesn‘t taste better with chocolate). Total disaster. Caroline is throwing up now too. Quite surprised I didn’t when I tasted “dessert”. Lovely husband brought home exquisite roses - that I had to lock in the master bathroom so the kids couldn’t destroy them. Also, was lovely enough to tell me he liked dinner very much and even thought the dessert was interesting. Must make this up to him someday.

Wednesday February something - gawd knows what time it is and who cares anyways. Am delirious from another night of puking children. Have started leaving buckets and containers all over the house as puke receptacles since I have run out of carpet cleaner and energy.

Thursday February (I think) - am delirious from lack of sleep and even though children are better now - I am sick instead. Will lie shamelessly to gym Nazi and tell her any weight loss is because I have worked so hard this week….

Monday February 19, 2006 - 8:45 am Dropped son off at school and am off to gym to accomplish great things. Having very skinny day and this is very encouraging. Hate the Mother at the gym who has 4 month old and is very surely a size 2. Totally unfair and sickening. Takes me back a ways…all was going along well in my first pregnancy until I hit month 6. Then am quite convinced my son steadily gained 3 pounds a week until the very end. Very unfair.

After delivery (yeegawts!) was very pregnant looking for many months and had very squishy stomach. Very unfortunate for me the woman in my shared room immediately deflated and looked all glowy and cheerful. I really felt and looked like I had been run over by a large truck. All the nurses kept double takes when they looked at my face and then sort of wouldn‘t make eye contact. Sort of wish I could have been anesthetized for the entire experience and not woken up until I had my old body back. But, then I guess I would still be sleeping… Actually quite depressed about remembering my old figure. Perhaps I should have a gastric bypass. Think I shall call the doctor to discuss this option…

pm - Doctor claims I am not a candidate for such surgery as one must be morbidly obese. I’m too fat but not fat enough. Very unfair all things considered. Might as well go rent a chick flick and settle in for an evening of self-loathing. Perhaps some hagen daas is in order.

Tuesday February 20, 2006 - am - Mother called this morning to entertain me during coffee. Apparently the old lady next door wandered into her back yard in the middle of the night naked and flailing her arms around like flightless bird. Mum failed to realize this was the woman next door in a fit of dementia and in state of sheer panic called police. Police showed up and presented Mum with little old lady next door looking harmless with a sheet wrapped around her. Although obviously confused, the police officer reminded her of her dear departed husband and she was smitten - at least the experience wasn‘t negative for everyone. All of the commotion woke the surrounding neighbors and Mum with forever forth be known as the woman who sicked the police on dear old Ethel. Mum called into work had an Ativan omelette for breakfast and went to bed until dinner. I don’t think she will ever truly recover from this experience. (I was going to ask if she was wearing the dress and runners but I was afraid she’d never speak to me again.)

pm - Would normally be asleep but Mother convinced me to try “homemade sugaring technique” she read about in some very reliable place. Should have definitely known better but tried it despite misgivings. Am now covered in raised red itchy rash everywhere it touched me. Unfortunately for me I decided to wax my bikini line. This should only be done under general anesthetic in the first place - but now to add insult to injury I have to walk like I am riding a Clydesdale. I cannot sleep and my eyes are swelling shut. (Also doesn’t help that my husband can’t stop from laughing every time he looks at me and can’t give evil eye due to puffiness.)

Wednesday February 21, 2006 - Swelling has reduced enough that I can now walk like am riding largish goat or small pony. One benefit to attempted hair removal around mouth is - there is a striking resemblance to Angelina Jolie (if you look at me in a dimly lit room slightly cross-eyed). Children still have no idea who I am...

Thursday February 22, 2006 - Right as rain today. Except that I’d like to think I still look like Angelina Jolie. (That little bubble burst when the eye swelling went down and I could actually see.)


badgerdaddy said...

S'nice. And funny. Yes.

Kat said...

Holy fuck. I'll have to come back when i aven't so much wine. or more wine. not sure yet.

Neil said...

Very good! Kinda sounds like being a mom might be more work than my job - at least I'm done after 8 hours!

Green Fish said...

This is really good! It's like Bridget Jones with kids. Hooooawwww!!!!

elizabeth said...

I lourves me blogfriends - thanks guys - for putting up with this shite. LOL.