Monday, December 31, 2007
I’ve done this before. I’m getting to be a virtual pro at coming up with resolutions. Now… if I could just actually stick to any of them I’d really be getting somewhere. In fact by my calculations – if I had lost the five pounds a year that I resolved to – every year – starting 10 years ago… I should weigh in at or about 80 pounds. Clearly this wouldn’t be a good thing. I would have to run around the shower to get wet, and with two little kids to look after I can’t afford the extra time that would take. I would also end up on Dr Phil – and for all the wrong reasons since, clearly at some point I will be a guest because something great I have written or done. It has had such a positive influence on the world that all talk show hosts will vie for my attention. Maybe I will win the Nobel peace prize because I have invented something that stops world wars. I will be selective; Oprah first, then Barbara Walters and then maybe Dr. Phil.
Yes – I have resolved to do many great things each time the New Year rolled around. World peace, world domination, making a lifesize sculpture of Harry Potter out of jello (okay, maybe not that one). Among them somewhere I think I also resolved to become really good at not letting the little things get to me – and then promptly experienced an unparalleled fit of road rage… at the Chucky Cheese parking lot. Stink eye from parents and children. I should get a trophy for that one.
One particularly ambitious year I decided I would learn a new skill. Something really exciting – like mountain climbing. I got as far as the top of my stairs but somehow think will not count this towards the afore mentioned goal.
Then last year was parasailing or waterskiing. I got on a banana boat and nearly broke my neck – does it count? Maybe not. But this one was at least close (ish). What? It WAS in the water…
Life just got in the way. Not in a good way like – I was too busy living life to the fullest. Nope. It just gets in the way sometimes – and so do the bills, the oil changes, the laundry, the dishwasher, cleaning out the attic, making a voodoo doll of my ex husband, grocery shopping and all of the other mundane tasks that make up the day to day. All of the things we plan to do get pushed forward another week, another month… maybe to next year. But what I fear will happen is, I will get to the end of my life and all of a sudden notice that all of those things I really wanted to do – never got done.
This year I resolve to take baby steps towards making sure that doesn’t happen. I will stop to smell the roses. I will remember to breathe and remind the people I care about how special they are – all of the time. They do afterall – deserve to know. I will also floss. Not everyday. Baby steps people. But I WILL floss. I will try to be more patient. I will make real mashed potatoes once and a while. I will try to understand that you cannot hold other people up to your own expectations – sometimes they are doing the very best that they can and that will have to be enough. I will fight for what is fair – and I will win in some small way – or maybe in a big way – but I will fight hard for what I believe is right. I will sing to the kids more. I will try to make people laugh. I will take the time to notice the little things that add up to the biggest things in the end. I will try to believe in myself and be kinder to myself. I will try to forgive others for the unkind things they clearly aren’t capable of understanding or doing differently. I will try not to eat an entire box of chocolates in one night (at least in two…). I will let myself cry. I will try to laugh more (though not at the same time…) I will jump in a puddle, maybe two. I will try to pay more attention to world politics and less attention to the gossip magazines. I will bake.
I say goodbye to 2007 with mixed emotions; it was a year of some incredible things that I will never forget – and of over coming the odds. It was a year that brought closure to one chapter of my life – and that I was eager to put behind me - and a much needed new beginning. A year where I have seen some of my dearest friends a great deal more than I have been able to before. A year of incredible surprises and some struggles. But the year that I will remember most for having brought me love. The kind that I never knew or could have imagined existed. All in all a pretty good year. One of the best of my life.
I have a feeling that 2008 will be an even better year. Here’s to hoping yours is too. (Does anyone have any dental floss I can borrow? I use the term “borrow” loosely – I won’t be returning it… unless you really wanted it back…which is really kind of disgusting…)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
CANADIAN ULC MINISTERS WILL HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE PAPERWORK IN EACH PROVINCE TO BE APPROVED PRIOR TO OFFICIATING ANY MARRIAGES IN YOUR COUNTRY. Canadian ministers are asked to write a letter to the church to request that they be placed on a special mailing list that the church maintains to keep our ministers in Canada informed when each approval from the Provinces is received by the church.
So - not entirely sure what that means but anyhoo...
I was ordained online at 12:26:57 pm today.
That's right beotches. Take note. I am holy.
Friday, December 28, 2007
1. I have spent the last three days trying to remove a doll from packaging - that was clearly designed to make me completely mental and found myself wishing that I could put the people who did this into a similar life size version of this package and then tell THEM to find their way out - (and yes, I would sew THEIR hair to the package too),
2. I have been busy eating chocolate,
3. The only posts I could think of were ranting about how unfair life is - ...and,
4. I have been busy eating chocolate. ;-D
But now the chocolate is gone, I set the doll on fire and I am back to my EXTREMELY POSITIVE self. I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY. VERY POSITIVE.
But seriously - it's days like this that someone should kick me in the head. I have so much to be grateful for. I should focus on those things, remain positive and know that everything will be just fine. But what I really want is more chocolate - and a gallon of wine. Oh yes, and a private jet... and maybe someone could video tape my ex acting like a donkey's bum and put it on television screens all over town. You know what drives me nuts? That everyone thinks he's such a mellow and nice guy. In reality he's a tyrannical twisted human being who is inherently evil. Just plain old mean. OOPS - BACK TO POSITIVE!!!! KERSMACK!!!!
I have great people. Let me tell you about them in no particular order; (positivepositivepositive)
Babs and Roo - the most incredible kids on the earth. Kind and funny. Sweet and smart. They are - after all - just like their mother (wink wink). I am truly blessed.
Carrie B- Carrie was my room mate 12 years (almost 13) ago. She shared her family with me. I hid koolaide from her. She laughed all the time and was always up for any Liz inspired adventure - no matter how half baked the idea was. She also complemented my cooking - even if it was inedible - and we shared clothes. She never judged me and I always knew that she would be on my side. She has been. Every single time - without question. She's my backbone when I can't find mine and would be slithering around a dirty floor. (Well, okay not THAT dirty - but it could use a dust mop). She came looking for me when I was lost. She held my hand and pointed me in the right direction and always gave good advice. She also introduced me to the love of my life. Pretty good friend, hey?
Kathleen - Kathleen is the kind of wonderful friend who is always there to lend an ear. No matter what. She has a kind heart. She appreciates everything you do for her no matter how small. She would go to the ends of the earth if you needed her - lugging two kids behind her and making sure they had appropriate snacks. She is an incredible mother. She tells the truth. She stands by what she knows is right, and against what she knows is wrong. She does not waiver. She is one of the strongest people I know. She has faith in her friends and in her family. Her heart is bigger than the earth. (How does it fit in her body??!!)
Carrie L- Carrie is the best friend from highschool - jumping- in -puddles-and-eating-candy-until-you-puke kind of friend. The kind of girl that doesn't let too many people see that she has such a kind heart. She comes across as sarcastic and funny all of the time - with this tough exterior - but deep down she has angel's wings. She is easy to laugh. She has astounding wit. She is also kind of like Martha Stewart and her house is always eerily clean. Her hand soap smells delicious - but it doesn't taste that way - trust me. She is very creative. Her dog will live forever. Seriously. She is giving of herself and all that she has. She is so much fun. She also makes really good shortbread.
Taal - Taal is someone who I feel very lucky to have in my life. She is lovely. That is the word for her. She is lovely and she is kind. She gives easily of herself and her many talents. (Martini anyone?) She is a really good person. I am truly happy to hear her voice or to share her company. She is wonderful. I miss seeing her as often as I used to.
Dee - Dee is one of the most patient individuals I have ever met. I don't think I've ever seen her angry or mean. She just doesn't have it in her. She is an amazing mom. She makes terrific coffee. She is kind. She is always smiling.We can look back at all of the years we have been friends and laugh our asses of at some of the stuff we have done. She is a total sweetheart.
Mom - she is an angel. I'm convinced. If she weren't my mother, she would be my friend. She is sweet, kind, smart, beautiful, funny and an incredible cook. She has more energy than three people.
Spartan - Spartan couldn't be left out of this. He is my sweetheart, the love of my life and my very best friend. The person I want to speak to first when something good happens or when something shite happens. The first person I think of in the morning and the last at night. He has the most integrity of anyone I have ever known. He is positive and he is kind. He's also very handsome and makes me feel beautiful. He appreciates everything. His smile could light the earth up. He is intelligent. He is driven. He has a cute hiney. He really is my prince charming. I am so very happy he is in my life. I will spend the rest of my life trying to be good enough to be deserving of such an incredible, wonderful person.
Crazy Linda - She fell into my life with a laugh that could start the world laughing. She is bright, she is crazy. She is utter fun. Adorable.
There are others but for now I think I am done...
There. Now I am feeling better. Amazing how little those awful people are when you actually look at what's important. In the long run - I know that my life will end up just fine. I shouldn't get so caught up in the bullshit along the way.
Off to make dinner and I believe that some wine is in order....
Monday, December 24, 2007
At the last minute we found out that our 85 year old neighbour was alone this evening; her husband went to Cuba. (at Christmas !?) We forced her to come for dinner. I think she enjoyed herself. She is a really sweet lady. She spent 5 years in a concentration camp. 5 years. What an incredible life. What a journey. I am so glad she was here.
The kids were wide eyed and slightly high on sugar this evening. Babs finally fell asleep after having snuck into my bed. There she was nestled in all of the pillows with her blankie wrapped about her and her bunny snuggled in beside her. I scooped her up and returned her to her bed. I almost crawled in beside her... but I had to help Santa put out the goods. Roo was asleep with a Santa hat firmly on his head with his long eyelashes gently sweeping down over his cheeks - his - almost no longer chubby - cheeks that get less baby and more little man by the day.
The evening is winding down and I am soon off to tuck myself into bed. Merry Christmas everyone! I hope Santa is good to all of you and that all of your Yuletide dreams come true.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Christmas number one was magical and full of laughter. Not surprisingly I am a little tired today. Tired and a little sad that the time went so fast that it felt like sand slipping through my fingers. Now it's irrevocably gone but in it's place are heartwarming memories and a happy - albeit lonely - heart. I miss my friends. I missed them before I was even apart from them. I am so lucky to have them in my life.
Christmas number two is fast approaching. The kids are sparkly eyed and excited about the arrival of the jolly one. I am looking forward to having my family around me. It is kind of a special year for that because my brother begins a six month military training course immediately following the holidays - before he is deployed again. I am so proud of him.
To all of you who come here for some reason - lol - I would like to wish you and all of your loved ones a warm, safe and wonderful holiday filled with all of the magic of the season.
Now GO. Eat, DRINK and be merry.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Sadly, this riveting post will be the last for a week or so. Stop your tears! I will return... I am dedicated to my blog dear blog readers.
And now I will show you what the chitlins wrote to Santa....
I want a new lego game. I would like a cool pirate boat. I would like craft stuff. Some new play dough would be nice. A new shovel and one more thing; the coolest action figure in the world.
Thank you Santa, for all of my wonderful gifts.
PS I want Christmas everyday.
Maybe I want a video game. A princess one. I would like a doll. I want that Polly Pocket jet and Nanna's bed. I want a dinosaur. I like craft stuff too. I will share the dinosaur with my brother. I also want a skeleton boat.
I want to wish you a happy birthday; I think it's on Thursday.
Man, I love kids.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
She is a good little fish. A good little fish who is currently suffering incredibly and just won't let go. Poor little Speck. Never thought I'd get teary eyed over a tiny little guppie - yet here I am finding my eyes welling up with tears intermittently. She was kind of a miracle fish.
Since yesterday, Speck has been floating on her side. Her tail is kind of bent at an odd angle and only one fin appears to be functioning. Yet, when I come near the tank she perks up ever so slightly. You may scoff at that but - she does. I swear it. She knows I'm the one who feeds her. She is a very friendly fish; she thinks I am her mother. Laugh if you will. But she is my little pet and I will really miss seeing her little bug eyed face.
My father very magnanimously offered to help her to a swift demise by reenacting a childhood trauma for me. (Funny, I was just telling this story yesterday...) Anyways, when I was a kid I was sitting underneath the dining room table and my Dad walked by. As he was passing one of my fish committed suicide and flung himself out of the tank. My father promptly - albeit accidentally - stepped on it with his dress shoes and crushed it. Flat. I won't let him do that to Speck. It would scare her. But I can't stand watching her suffer...
(and NO - I'm not flushing her down the toilet either!)
Sigh. I hope by tomorrow she will have gone to the lake in the sky.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
2. You win the $300 million power-ball lottery. What do you do?
Crap. This could be a really loooong answer. Well, first I'd call Spartan and say, "Baby, I'm buying an island. Pack yer stuff." I'd have the coolest house built on it. I'd also buy a small plane and have a landing strip put onto the island. We would have a world class chef, a huge wine cellar, a personal trainer and a dog. We'd fly our friends and family in to visit and they would all have their own "theme" rooms to suit their personality. We'd also have to have some ponies for the kids there and a private tutor. Then I'd buy my parents the coolest sail boat ever. I'd send my grandparents up north for a couple of weeks - total their house and rebuild it almost exactly as it was (but without the drafts and better wiring) and I'd also put in a bathroom downstairs and a fully updated kitchen - and I'd build a greenhouse onto the back filled with roses that would bloom all year for my grandmother. I'd buy Kat a restaurant with a baby grand piano in it. I'd buy Carrie a house, Taylor a horse and Kyle a super secret spy room with all the updated spy equipment money could buy. I'd buy my brother and his wife whatever they need. I'd buy a number of my other friends some cool cars and various other items. I'd invest some and then I'd donate to a number of charities. I could go on all day. ;-D
3. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Well. If I'm alone I like it kind of loud.
4. Are you a beach person or a snowy mountain person? If I have to pick... beach.
5. When do you prefer to take a shower, morning or night? Usually morning but sometimes night. I like to mix it up. Keep things a little crazy I always say.
6. Can you watch scary movies alone? Oh yeah. Usually. Okay. No. I totally lied.
7. Soft bed or firm? Firm underneath and then a soft topper. Like princess and the pea. (Keep the stairs baby, they might come in handy one day).
8. Would you rather stay home all day, or be out and about? Depends if I am all alone.... *wink wink*
9. What's one of your worst memories? The time I saw someone drown.
10. Do you like to keep the peace or be confrontational? I like to keep the peace - but I can be confrontational when it is required.
11. Are you more likely to be with a large group of people or a few close?
A few close friends.
12. What are your plans for December? WELL in 5 days and so many hours.... *sigh*... Christmas number one and two and then hitting the gym to work off the gravy and ice cream.
13. Where would you like to live? With my favorite people around me all of the time. Wherever that is - that's where I'd want to live.
14. What is your ideal profession? Well. A writer so that I could work from a beach I suppose.
15. What's on your mind right now? How much I am missing some people. Also, if I have packed enough shoes for next week...
16. What is one fear that you are trying to overcome? Uhhh. I can't tell you. I'm too afraid to.
17. Are you good at math? I think so.
18. What's stashed under your bed? Shoes, a dvd player, a vcr and some photographs. Oooh. And a sock!
19. Is there anyone you regret ever meeting? Um. HELL YES.
20. Would you rather have roommates or live alone? Well roommates of course!
21. Do you like to drive? I don't mind...but I'd totally hand over the keys.
22. What is your favorite thing to wear?
23. If you found out that you were going to be a parent, what would you do? I would scream, "AGAIN?!!" Then faint.
24. Do you give money to homeless people when they ask? Sometimes I do. You can't do it for everyone. But you can offer to buy them a coffee too - especially when it's cold.
25. A weekend in Las Vegas or Key West? Vegas
26. Ever had ugly thoughts about someone you love?
Someone I love? No. People I don't love so much.... yes. But I'm not proud of it.
27. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? Um yep. But I think it was more his anger issues.
28. You have 3 months left to live, what do you do? First, take care of some business in Vegas. Then spend every last minute with my favorite people. I would also take the kids to Disney land and write them letters to open on every birthday from now until they were 80. And I'd laugh every chance I got...and I'd cry a lot. And I'd tell my friends and family how much I love them a million times - just so they didn't forget. (I might also make everyone get a tattoo of me just to make extra extra sure)
29. You're having a bad day, what's one thing that can make your day better? Fresh baked bread, unexpected flowers or a phone call from someone I love. (ooh, or watching someone biff - that's always a pick me up)
30. Is there anything you would change about your body if you could?
31. You wake up in an unfamiliar place, what is your first reaction? What the..
32. Is there anything that you should be doing right now? Going to the gym.
33. If there was a way to know when and how you're going to die, would you like to find out? I JUST DON'T KNOW! I think not. But then again - maybe. I JUST DON'T KNOW!
34. What is your favorite breakfast? Coffee... in bed.
35. Your phone rings at 4 am, who do you expect it to be? Spartan.
36. Last thing you ate? Freshly baked bread, chicken and some soup.
37. One place you will NEVER eat at? Urm. Anywhere outside of the resort. lol. Actually - Fast Eddies.
38. How do you feel about your ex? I think he is a sad little man. I actually really feel sorry for him.
39. Last person you hugged? My daughter. I just put her to bed.
50. What exactly are you wearing? My white Lulu Lemon jacket, yoga pants and running shoes. Yeah. I told you I should be at the gym....
I tag you ALL. Merry xmas.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Yesterday, I was preparing to untie the little tree when the grandparents called and muttered something about helping put up their Christmas tree... and then said something about scalloped potatoes. The race to beat all of the rest of the family to their house to ensure that I got the majority of the top (the browned cheese) was on. I started sneaking it directly out of the pan while no one was looking. Wolf style. I think I managed to eat about three times the normal amount of food. This clearly means I will have gained about 17 pounds. Worth every bite. Will not surprisingly have to spend a solid 24 hour period on the treadmill today... that should be fun.
So, everyone saw the tree firmly affixed to the roof on their way in to eat my scalloped tatoes. Everyone had to comment.
Aunt number one, "Did they pay you to take that tree?"
Aunt number two, "Oh. Hmm. I...uh...see... you got a tree? Did it look like that when you got it?"
Aunt number three... laughing and pointing. Stop. More laughing and pointing.
And my son, upon arriving home from school peered out the window at the tree and with a perplexed little face asked, "Will it look better when it's up?"
OKAY PEOPLE. I LIKE MY TREE. Almost as much as scalloped potatoes...and, you might be hurting the little tree's feelings. It's time to stop.
And now for something completely unrelated...
Carrie and I have come up with a fantastic fundraising idea;
Monday, December 10, 2007
That right beotches - I get to do it twice. And Santa is cool with that.... (I have an "in" cuz we're related). Huzzah.
So anyways - I have packed. Which some of you non-xmasy types might think is a little "early". But as previously mentioned I'M EXCITED. I will probably pack and repack about 6 times between now and then...
Part of the reason I am speeding things up is that I have agreed to take on the offspring of de Kat for a sleepover at the end of the week. This is going to be quite a bit of fun. It also appears that the wee-est of them is getting ready to be walking just in time. *Joy*. I'm sure the older kids will have great fun - I am going to invite them to repaint the basement floor to keep them busy. How do you suppose 4 and 6 year olds are at taping drywall?
Oh! And I bought the cutest little Charlie Brown tree! It cost the same as the other - more "perfect" trees. But I knew that if I didn't take it, it would be all alone in the parking lot for Christmas feeling very alone. :-( And it looked like a very friendly tree so I decided to bring it on home. Later this evening it will be adorned entirely with kid made ornaments. Should be spectacularly tacky. Pics to follow.
After Christmas it will be burnt to the ground with all the decorations still intact. Poor little tree. (Might have been better off in the tree lot...)
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Today I met a new "old people" (is that somehow politically incorrect to call them that? I'm sure it is, but anyhoo....). This new cute "aged" person was at the gym. He was near 80 and he was so totally adorable. He also was in better shape than almost anyone there - really. He kind of reminded me of Spartan - but in a good way - like that is how I picture him in my mind's eye when he gets older. Like waaaaaay older.
Anyways - this mental projection of Spartan onto this cute fellow instantly made me develop an affinity for him. We talked for an hour. I know everything about him and his entire family right down to all 7 of his grandchildren (which range from 4 to 20 years old). I was 5 minutes away from inviting him and his wife for Christmas dinner - but then with his 4 kids and 7 grandchildren it looks like he won't be alone for the holidays...Makes me wonder about the people who will be alone. There are probably a lot. That makes me kind of sad.
On a lighter note - today I went into the toy section and made all of the Christmas toys start singing. ALL OF THEM. It was suddenly very christmasy let me tell you! There were a lot of people who didn't appreciate that so much - but I did. I laughed for a good 10 minutes... I don't know why, but stuff like that is funnier now than when I was 7. Besides - it is Christmas - just trying to do my part in getting everyone into the Christmas spirit... ** I think I'll go back and do it again tomorrow.
**if making them all look like they were going to murder someone (namely moi) counts, then --- mission accomplished!! Highe fihveh!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fake it when you're feeling crappy,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Try to find our warm apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Watch Elf to marvel at Will Ferrel,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Set ablaze the bills before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Sing the songs - make up the chorus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Open up that merlot treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
To try to find an ounce of pleasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Quickly down the hatch it passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Open another and pass the glasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
But at least we're all together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
To stay warm in the shitty weather,
Fa la la la la, la la la laaaaa.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Friday, December 07, 2007
Thursday, December 06, 2007
(Okay - I know I'm an idiot - I can't find my music player. It is lost. So I put my itunes on recently played songs - closed my eyes and clicked. Closest I could get. Learned something too; I need to expand my music collection...)
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT(this is in capital letters, so it is very serious. No hiding your showtunes, folks!) After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!
1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY? "Creepin In" Norah Jones/Dolly Parton. Alrighty then.
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?"These Foolish Things Remind Me of You" Buble. Yep. That about covers it.
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? "You and I" Buble. Yeah, as I interpret this - Spartan - I like you and I. Can't say that I don't.
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? "Ain't That a Kick in the Head" Robbie Williams. Well... I wouldn't go THAT far...I thought I was having a good day.
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE "For Good" Wicked soundtrack. I'll take it.
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO "Bedtime" Little Mermaid Soundtrack. Well... now that you mention it I AM kind of sleepy...
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? "Beyond the Sea" Robbie Williams. Yeah, I know they think I'm "out there."
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? "She Talks to Angels" Black Crowes. I have said again and again that my Mother is an Angel on Earth... my Dad gets in just cuz he's with the be-wing-ed one. Sorry pops.
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? "Let's Get It On" Marvin Gaye. That's not fair. Really. I think about OTHER things sometimes, LOL(This is creepier than the 8 ball)
10. WHAT IS 2+2? "That's All" Buble. Again. Can't argue.
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? "Angels" Robbie Williams. Couldn't have said it better myself.
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "I Love You" Martina McBride. Wowsa. This is spppoooky.
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? "Only Time" Enya. Okay. That's kind of boring. But accurate in a way.
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? "I've Got You Under My Skin" Buble. I'm confused. Not sure where this one is going... can I try again?
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "Your Song" Moulin Rouge.
16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? "Who Will Save Your Soul" Jewel. I'm sure they did when I was a teenager...
17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? "Carnival Town" Norah Jones. Different. Not altogether horrible but I'm going to ask if we can switch the one in 18 with this one.
18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? "Dream a Little Dream" Buble. Who cares? I'll be dead anyways... let em play what they want to.
19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? "Jig" The Little Mermaid Soundtrack. Again, a little confused by this one.
20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? "Happy Ending" The Little Mermaid Soundtrack. Well, that's certainly not a BAD one is it?
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "Above Ground" Norah Jones. Kind of relieved to hear that. Dead friends aren't nearly as fun to talk to - conversation is decidedly one sided.
22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS? "I'm Happy Just to Dance With You" Beatles. Do what the meme commands...
I tag Kat, John, Kaylee and the Troll... and anyone else that would like to join in!
You wouldn't believe the things this has answered for me! The future is clear. (Phew)
Okay actually - for me it remains totally blank. Does this fall into the same category as the bird poop?
(This one, however, has answered everything exactly the way I wanted it to. What a relief.)
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
It is my challenge. I am trying to challenge myself daily- so that might mean being extra patient with a four year old who never seems to get enough food (right Kat?) or to get my tired butt to the gym when I'd rather watch Oprah or widdle wood.
Little victories people. Don't under estimate them...
So anyhoo - I finish my workout and this particular day I didn't find it as hard as I had anticipated.* It feels great. I'm on a high. So as I am arrogantly skipping out to my car and unlocking the door (with a great big triumph laced grin I might add) a bird pooped directly onto my shoulder. Ahhh, point taken. Triumphant grin wiped off my face and poop likewise off my shoulder - I hop into the car and laugh like hell.
I mean COME ON. Shit like this (again... heehee...sorry) only happens to a small number of people - on a regular basis. I'm one of them. Is it something to do with my ID/EGO -whatever- and the universe at large?
Just look for the message people; is it the world keeping you in check? Or... was it just a bird heeding the call of nature. Who knows?
*I may have thought that the workout was easy - but it is likely that tomorrow** - I won't be capable of getting down a flight of stairs without sitting. Maybe I'll ride in a laundry basket - like my god daughter... kind of looks like fun...
**Update - I wrote this a couple of days ago... legs are good but that only means that I have to up the weights next time...which takes me back to that anticipatory loathing...
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
AND NOW FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT
Yesterday I was on the treadmill and I was listening to the radio with my earphones in. A particularly jaunty version of Frosty the Snowman came on. I guess I must have been overcome with Christmas spirit - I caught myself singing it outloud"ish". Much to the amusement of those around me. Course, they already know I'm "special" - they see me enough that it's hard to avoid that obvious fact. I had this vision that if I sounded like I meant it enough - everyone in the row of 20 or so treadmills would join in and it would be like a scene from a musical. Sadly, it didn't go quite like that. But it's okay.... I've got exactly 2 weeks to get these duds into the Christmas spirit. I think I'll start wearing my elf costume to the gym. That will definitely help. I don't suppose it would be the appropriate place to bring Christmas cookies...maybe they should come up with a Christmas power bar for just such an occasion. I think I'm onto something here.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
He poses the question "Should I eat the soup if it's expired?"
I'm like, "Well, HOW expired? And...what kind of soup?"
"Tomato, March 2007."
"Does the can look bloated?"
"Right, well. If it's tomato it should be fine."
Like what kind of soup matters and really, an expiry date is an expiry date when all things are considered. But it just seemed that it should be fine. You know - logically. How many times have we consumed a can of soup without even looking to see if it was past it's date? It's not like yogurt!! It's sealed. In a can.
Anyways, after I proffered my advice upon him rather carelessly - I didn't think much about it again. But when I fell asleep - I had a nightmare that it made him really sick. Obviously my subconscious self was appalled at my conscious self. It was terrible. Awful. AND all my fault.
So this morning I set about doing some research and you will all be very relieved to find that this is why they attach an expiry date;
"The date code displayed on our products is a best used by date. This means that in order to experience optimal color, flavor, aroma and texture the product should be consumed prior to the end of the month displayed on the product. For example, in order to experience optimal quality a product with a date code that reads JUN07 or JUN2007 should be consumed prior to the end of June of the year 2007."
Okay - so really I had nightmares that he got sick and almost died but really the worst thing that could have happened is that the soup wouldn't be the "perfect" red colour. (They just want you to throw it out and buy more. Scammers.)
At first I was all filled up with relief - but...I'm a little pissed at Campbell's right now. Grrrrr. SOMEONE MIGHT GET A LETTER.
Anyways - you may consider this information useless but - at least if a loved one asks you and you say the same thing I did - you won't be riddled with terrible nightmares as a result.
In other news;
It snowed here last night. A LOT. The neighbour is snow blowing the sidewalk because he is a nice little elf. Obviously I haven't been watching the weather channel as religiously as usual because I didn't know that it was going to snow. I feel it is almost a personal insult that I was unaware. Can't really explain that.
Well, I'm off to find my snowshoes. (They are very fashionable; I took a bedazzler to them last year... they sparkle like diamonds ....). I'm kidding. I don't really have a pair. But if I did - I would bedazzle them all to hell...
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Magic like the kind that made me recognize someone I had only met for five seconds from the waist up - on a deck - a day later when he was walking a fair distance away and I could only see him from behind. Somehow I knew it was him. There is no explaination for this but to assume that there was some seredipity at work (Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely.) and perhaps a touch of magic. I was looking for plates and cups and I found my Spartan. And the way the world appeared to me shifted in that moment and made everything in it just a bit more beautiful in every way.
This is a time of year - that despite all of the things that are stressful and frustrating... and right now there are plenty - that I acknowledge how blessed my life has been. How many truly wonderful people are in my life and how much I value them. There isn't a thing in the world I would trade for them and I am so grateful that they are in my life.
Now... to lighten the mood. A gift for you bloggers....
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Whilst there waiting for my turn with the photo machine I happened upon a very nice old lady and her granddaughter. It was her son's birthday dinner. His birthday was actually last week but the dinner was that night. Her granddaughter and her son had just gotten back from a vacation to BC and Alberta and she was going to make her dad a collage. It actually wasn't her real father but her "dad". He was actually her step dad but they got on really well and her real father was a bit of a jerk. "They just love each other." She is a very good kid. Granddaughter comes over to show me the pictures - I recognize some of the places (makes me miss people) and we chat about slugs of unusual size and other things. She IS a very nice little girl. Back to the Grandmother while the rest of the granddaughter's pictures print... It is also her husband's 70th birthday. She used a picture of her husband from when he was 17 for the invites - he looked like Elvis... he doesn't really look like Elvis anymore. She is a lioness. She got the hall for a weekend night in December because of this - and because her neighbour is the head of it. It was supposed to be a surprise but her son in law let the cat out of the bag. So she ended up telling her husband that if he knew about it he might as well go buy a couple of cases of wine...She thinks I have a lovely smile. She misses her one year old granddaughter who lives in Windsor. She is looking forward to the holidays when she will see her. Her daughter is married to a school teacher. She wants to know if I am married. No - not anymore. Well all the better dear - now you can find your real love. Already have. Too bad because her nephew is just the handsomest devil and he has a fantastic job...She asked my advice on what to buy a one year old (knock-off purse of course) and we chatted about how much fun kids are at that age. She is shocked to find out I have two kids - and almost school age. She fusses over me. I hug her. She invites me to her husband's 70th birthday party. Sadly I am out of town. That's too bad because her nephew is going to be there, lol- have a wonderful Christmas Wallmart lady.
Next is the little old man who had no idea how to use the scanner. You go first little old man - you have less time on earth than I do....he is also there with his grandson. His grandson is 7. He is tall for his age. He likes Shrek and baseball. Little old man comes from a family of 8. His father died when he was very young and he quit school. His mother raised 8 children on $45.00 a month, $90.00 a month in the winter. He gets along well with all of his family and his nephew is in the army....
Oh - and thanks to Glugster for the award!! First x-mas gift I'd say!
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Here for your amusement is this year's Christmas list (part one - the first batch);
Great for travel. LMAO.
Pedestrian turn indicators. This is a great idea.
What? Replica of Breakfast at Tiffany's set. Every girl should have one for those lazy Sundays around the house...
I want to make hotdogs look like octopuses. Don't you? I would serve them at inappropriate times - like when the boss comes over for dinner.
This is actually something I am going to give to my ex in laws. (Maybe I will pair it with the hitler teapot...)
OOOH a Hoff poster... or even as a magnet. Okay... maybe not.
This is funny. Pure and simple. Great conversation piece this.
Fly swatter. Freakin love it.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
In Armenia, the traditional Christmas Eve meal consists of fried fish, lettuce and spinach. (Glad I'm not Armenian - bletch)
Artificial Christmas trees have outsold real ones since 1991. (Yep. I'm about ready to go back to cutting down a tree. Next year it's all about trekking into the spruce forest with hot coacoa and sawing down a tree...then immediately feeling guilty about it. I can hear trees scream. Such a curse.)
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Write a list of things of which you are suspicious. Any number of them will do. Even the number 0 works. This is the first meme that can be done without even doing it. In fact, you're doing it right now.
- Include the list of rules, if you feel like it.
- Link back to the person who tagged you. Or not.
- Tag however many people you want to tag. You can skip this step.
- If you acted on rule four, leave comments on their websites to let them know that they have been tagged. This step is also completely optional.
- Feel fantastic.
1. When I am at the tanning salon I am sure they hide cameras in the vents in the ceiling. There are probably naked pictures of me all over the net because of this.
2. People whom I don't know who are overtly friendly. Why? What do you want... where's my wallet? Who sent you?! Where's my tinfoil hat??!!
3. ANYONE who takes a job dressing up in those character costumes. (Barney, Chucky Cheese). This screams CREEPY.
4. Non fat desserts. This is too much of a dichotomy for my little brain to handle.
5. You know when you're at the grocery store and the same person just keeps passing you OVER AND OVER again. More than just a couple of times - even when you try to mess them up by going back over areas that you've already been together and shazzam - they appear again. They are spies for some religious cult - I'm convinced of it.
6. People who offer up their spot in a line up. Why? Did you hear the 100th shopper was going to win something? No thanks. I'll stay right here and continue reading the grocery store smut whilst I wait to win my free shopping spree.
7. People who breed earthworms in their basement. Seriously.
8. Anyone who hates Christmas. (Unless they don't celebrate it - then they are exempt). But really - there isn't a more feel good holiday in existence. If you hate Christmas you might as well hate Bambi and hot chocolate.
9. People who choose fruit and veggies without performing the squeeze and sniff tests. Might as well buy a car without test driving it.
10. Carnies. Small hands. Smell like cabbage.
Now I tag Badger Daddio, Earl, Kitty Kat, and Beth.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Speaking of snow...I also popped in to say that I am feeling oh so very Christmas-ey. It is in no doubt due in part to the carols playing on the radio and the decorations popping up everywhere. It's also because I am going to celebrate Christmas twice this year - and because I have already got the greatest gift I could have ever imagined. Truly. Yes, this - my friends - is a holiday season that I can say I am truly looking forward to the fast approach of. So, tonight as I happily find myself ensconced in my reindeer pj's and lay my head down to sleep I will be smiling and dreaming of sugar plums.... with mayhaps a wee touch of rum in them...what? Tis the season!
I also like that I can threaten misbehaving children with the old "Santa saw that" thing. I think, however, that I should stop threatening strangers children at the store... probably not such a good idea. Very effective though...
Friday, November 16, 2007
Anyways, while I was at this purse party there were some girls there I haven't met before. One of them somehow got onto the topic of micro chips being the mark of evil and how in the future we were all going to be microchipped at birth and no person who has one will be allowed into heaven... you see where this is going. I am not judgmental - really. But it was so hard not to ask her if she had a great big bowl of Crazyios for breaky. I was biting my tongue the entire night. Then she actually went on to explain something about how in the year 2012 (I think that was the year, maybe I should have written it down) the world was going to end. At that point I said - shit. I'd better go buy some more purses while I have the chance. Big purses. (To hold all my shoes - since I'm totally bringing them with me into space right before the world implodes.)
In fact - if the world really was ending in 5 years - there's a lot of things I'd be doing right now and I'm pretty sure none of them would help get me into heaven.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
I have learned to Fox Trot.
I have consumed some of the most delicious red wine this week! I've never felt better. I have laughed so much that as I sit here typing this my tummy hurts. *Yay!* I have also met some incredible and wonderful new friends... but the leaving makes my heart hurt. What an adventure. I also ate some really yum food and fell - if possible - more in love every moment I spent with Spartan. Not a bad feeling - that.
I have also learned that it IS possible to outrun a police car ;-)
So, now I am going to drag my but home and crawl into bed to sleep. Until next week. :-D
Tomorrow is Kat's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I think we may need to consume a beverage in celebratory fashion. There goes detox.....just kidding... I'm a lightweight in reality.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Going to my other home 2702.32 miles away - if I were driving. But instead of 40 hours driving it will be a mere 5 by plane. Hooray. But if I had to, I'd walk.
So I will still be posting but it might be a little sporadic.
I will leave you with this... it reminds me of the time my parents and I were drunk somewhere in the BVIs and my Dad swore he heard Danny Boy on the steel drums somewhere on one of the islands...
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Now you have to understand my Father is the model of propriety. He was always very serious and proper. Growing up, we lived in a kind of awe of him. We also made fun of him a lot. He didn't always see the humour - but we did... often at his expense.
You also have to imagine all of our neighbours reaction to seeing their formerly distinguished fellow party goer dressed as such. I wish there were pictures. I would give my right arm for pictures. Truly.
Tonight I will be dressing the kiddies up and then eating all their candy. Promises to be a good night... and I promise there will be pictures.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Then - having completed an entirely too hectic day, I found it was going home time. When I reached the car and turned the key the gas light came on. I have a one hour drive home so I reached into my purchase to search out my wallet en route to the gas station. Search search search. Nada. I pull over and increase the depth of the search. Again. Nada. I return to the office and search around. Nope. Okay. I go downstairs to the restaurant to see if I left it there. Uh. No.
I drove to the gas station, cleaned out the $3.37 in my ashtray (lucky for me I had just emptied it out; hooray for timing!) and "filled up". When I handed it into the man at the gas station he just stood there clutching the hand full of change staring at me with the odd nickel rolling out and pinging onto the counter. I of course, laughed like a maniac. I think I had achieved the full on crazy laughter at that point.
I drove home fully expecting to run out of gas but didn't. Thank god. The entire time I was keeping Spartan apprised of my fabulous goings on via text message. At this point we are in entirely two different places laughing our asses off at my specialness. He must really love me. Then he called me and we laughed even harder. Thank god for my Spartan. I wonder if he realizes that this stuff happens on a continual basis and that the more time he spends with me the more likely the chances that he will get to witness this first hand - or even become a victim of it at some point. Well, in a way, he kind of already is a victim. LOL.
Tomorrow is Halloween. I'll fit in for a day.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Then - as I was being annoyed by someone behind me who had a screaming child (which is entirely unfair since once upon a time - not that long ago - that was me... but I was annoyed none the less) and I turned to give her a malevolent stare - it suddenly occurred to me that this was really - terribly unkind of me.
WHY would I shoot her the stink eye? It's not HER fault now is it? So I very appropriately redirected my crushing gaze to the offensive noise making toddler. (PMS anyone?). But when my eyes settled upon the little tot... my heart kind of constricted. Despite the fact that her little face was all screwed up and red with snot everywhere - she was adorable. So then I smiled at her, and she stopped crying, rubbed her eyes and turned to wipe her snotty little face allover her mother's sweet potato stained t-shirt. Then the defeated looking bedraggled mother sort of half shrug-smiled at me and I - instantly wished I could be struck down by that big Monty Python hand. Sigh. Then, the kid turned and smiled back at me. Yep. I suck.
This is where I come to confess my sins. I feel better now.
I won't, however, confess speeding up to steal the parking space from the old man. (WHAT? I couldn't SEE the walker until he got OUT OF THE CAR!) Not today. Nope. I'll save that one up for another day of self loathing.
(P.S. I WAS hungry at the time - but not to worry, I have replenished my supply of emergency protein bars once again so the world should be safe... for another couple of weeks...)
I'm always tempted at these types of places to stuff my pockets with food for later. It only seems fair... I mean there's no way I can eat the equivilant of food that everyone else does... or to ask for a doggy bag. You know - fill my plate up full and ask if I can wrap it up. That just isn't done - but it sure as heck doesn't stop me from wanting to. I at least managed to eat a plate of food and then I even ate dessert!
So anyways, my ex called and said he had to work so I brought the kiddles with me to the buffet. Because my uncle plays Santa Claus quite believably, they were convinced that Santa was actually having dinner with us. So they were angelic and the most well behaved children known on the planet.
When we got home I asked my daughter if she had a nice time, this was the conversation;
"Babs, did you have a good time?"
"Wasn't my bestest day."
"Oh, really?! How come - you were such a good girl!"
"Santa was there. I had to behave."
LMAO. I love kids. Wonder how much I'd have to pay my uncle to show up everywhere we go?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Okay... remember the shoes? Well... I think my wardrobe has taken on a new theme. Don't worry - I won't wear them together. Might make people dizzy... include myself, lol. Here ya go Spartan - Eli-zebra-ing about.
She is dating my father again - officially. They have been divorced for ten years but have spent nearly every weekend and holiday hanging out together as friends since. My father admitted it was all his fault so, 10 years later she has decided maybe to allow him the pleasure of her company in a dating role and they are now boyfriend and girlfriend. So, my Mother and I have switched roles and somehoworanother I have become her dating guru. My Mother is a darling woman, who is also a wee bit naive.
Not only do I find this new role endearing, amusing and heartwarming but also... at times... a little - no, a lot - awkward. I try to put on my best "Sex columnist" face and discuss things with her in a very adult and respectful manner. But occasionally I get a visual that induces instantaneous vomiting and the urge to find a phyciatrist. Also to stick my fingers in my ears and scream "lalalalalalalalalalalalaa, I can't hear you." Too bad there wasn't a mental imagery equivalent to doing this...
Perhaps when it comes to your parents and particular things, you are perpetually a 10 year old who would just - rather NOT know certain things. I prefer to think of my Mother as the virgin Mary. It works for me. :-)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Years and years ago when I lived in B.C. with my fabulous room-mate Carrie. There were a number of us who lived in this apartment complex that all hung out together. Many of us didn't have family immediately nearby so we all hung out together for various celebrations that would normally include family. We kind of made our own family. The holiday season was fast approaching and Carrie and I decided we would host a Thanksgiving dinner. Being 19 we had obviously never taken on such a task... but this did not dissuade us.
We had previously purchased a kind of large deep freeze for our very tiny apartment - can't really say why - seemed like a good idea at the time... we spray painted it white and the spray paint dust ended up landing on every surface - then the lid actually sealed shut with the paint.... but eventually we managed to crack it open and insert the largest turkey known to man. This thing had to be 50 pounds.
We came up with a menu that included all manner of side dishes normally served at such a dinner and furthermore decided that everyone should have an individually made lemon merange tart for dessert.
I actually worked shifts back then so the night preceding the dinner I was awake all night - but came home and was ready for battle.
We realized at about this time that the turkey was still really good and frozen despite being out for the night. Oops. So I ran it a warm bath and threw it in the tub... once it had kind of thawed we carried it into the living room and slapped it down on the living room floor and stared at it. (on newspaper)
"Wow. That thing is freakin huge."
"Do you know what we do now?"
Various phone calls to various relatives and we were told to butter and season the turkey and slap it in a pan in the oven... seems simple enough. The buttering of the rather large turkey revealed that it was indeed a slippery task. We buttered it while chasing it all over the house until eventually we had to stop and catch our breath then - we threw on some salt and pepper and stuffed it rather viciously with stuffing - but we weren't sure really which end to do that do nor were we aware of something called giblets.... ooops.
Once this task was complete we realized we didn't really have a pan of sufficient size to house our gigantic pterodactyl sized turkey - after some scrambling we came up with something and managed to squeeze it into the oven.
Task one was complete... we spent the rest of the day cooking everything else. We were bound and determined that everyone who was attending would enjoy a traditional turkey dinner. Anyways, just about the time everyone arrived I was barely able to keep my eyes open. I went to have a little rest. I fell asleep listening to my friends all hanging out and being happy. When I woke up - everyone had eaten and gone home. Woe. I never got my lemon tart (I think Joe ate it) - but really that wasn't the point. Everyone else did. Mission complete.
We cleaned up and collapsed on the couch. We ate left over turkey for an entire month (don't worry - we froze most of it, lol).
I miss those days...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
HAVE - A DODGE MINI VAN - I just lost all measure of coolness.
WANT - A Volvo or a Scooby Doo (Subarooooooo).
HAVE- Beautiful old money pit
WANT- a house with a porch all the way around it and a library (complete with a dewey decimal system)
HAVE- a job with flexible hours to allow for travel
WANT- um. someone to pay me to shop for them. that'd be fun.
HAVE – the most incredible absolutely positively most wonderfully fabulous guy in the universe
WANT - to not be missing him right now...
HAVE- two incredible, beautiful, funny kids that I adore
WANT- at least 10 more (KIDDING - relax my little goat)
HAVE- some (but where the hell did I put it? Shit, I think it's in the washing machine...)
WANT- to win the lottery and buy a castle with thrones and perhaps a built in spa and some pickens
7. Cell Phone
HAVE- a sadly beaten up somethingoranother - ah - it says on it "Sony Ericsson" and I bought it because I thought that the orange detailing was pretty. Priorities people.
WANT- one of those old brick cell phones in a brief case. Then I'll dress up all fancy and whip it out acting totally as though this was the hottest new trend.
8. Cell Phone Provider
WANT- them to pay me to use their service because I make it look cool, lol
HAVE- I been edumacatedd good
WANT- I'd love to win a full scholarship to Harvard, Princeton and Yale. And then have the time to actually go and the brain to get killer marks.
HAVE- Well wouldn't you like to know
WANT- to know what they are too, LOL
HAVE- um. It's black... got buttons...
WANT- I dunno.
12. Internet Service Provider
WANT- you to know I know nothing about these things...
HAVE- longish reddish brownish curly hair
WANT- It to be about 6 inches longer and not need as much product
HAVE- three (2 hazel, 1 red)
WANT- I'd love to have really green eyes. Kelly green I think they call it.
HAVE- one older brother
WANT- him to have 6 kids just like him and then be a stay at home dad. (muah hahaha)
16. Credit Cards
WANT- to use it less, lol
HAVE- this might take a while...
HAVE- 1 cat, and some other various creatures milling about including a very dead frog somewhere...
WANT- I'd love to have an Australian Shepherd one day
HAVE- pictures, SHOES, coats, books, clothes, movies, cds...
WANT- well, I dunno hows about a collection of crown jewels and sports cars while I'm at it! Or something really random and bizzare like a collection of mutant bugs.
HAVE- the best friends in the world
WANT- to not be missing some of them ALL OF THE TIME
Thanks Diva for letting me thieve this! (Not that you had much choice mind you)
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Walking about we were admiring some admirable pigeons that were pigeoning about. Both of us spot a brown one. I think "chicken" he says "looks like a hen". The two of us continue walking trying to come up with a name for our new found friend; chickegeon.... hengeon etc. Hours later in the middle of doing something completely unrelated (That would be playing Scrabble, dirty birds)... I blurt out "PICKEN!". The reliable Spartan doesn't miss a beat. High five Spartan!
In other news - we need a new roof. Got the estimate and work starts next week.... there goes the plastic surgery fund. Dangnabbit. Love this house but it is starting to piss me off. Next life I'm going to live like they do on Survivor. Except there won't be any bugs. Also - pizza will be able to be delivered there and there will a toilet that flushes. Maybe television...