Thursday, January 31, 2008

Okay. So the other day my Mother had on her IPOD. She was singing... well sort of .... along to Tina Turner. Then she stopped and looked at me and broke into the old hands swapping on knees dance. I am permanently damaged from witnessing such a spectacle. But it was funny as hell. She IS funny as hell. She has her nose pierced and washes her hair in vinegar... which always makes me want french fries.

I was at the gym this morning and was on the bicycle (aka - TRTD - twisted revolving torture device) when I saw one of the mom's whose son used to go to the same private school my son did. I pulled him out this year because I didn't think that the school was going to stay open and recently heard that it was closed down. Anyways - she approached me and we were instantly caught up in the "did you hear" and "can you believe that?" conversation. I was never one of those mom's but since most of my friends are 45 minutes... or a plane ride away I find myself acting like I did in highschool to attract friends. It's funny actually.

She's pretty cool - but she's a bit of an over-achiever if you know what I mean. One of those mom's who is involved in every school fundraiser and miraculously raises 3 million dollars selling chocolate bars in a week and also manages to work out almost every day, be a soccer mom, have her children involved in 300 activities and still have time to keep up on all of the town gossip. I think she must drink more coffee than me. Or be on drugs.

In other and totally unrelated news - our new driver's license has a funky hologram on it. Cool.


Tada!! Whatdoyathink????

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Woke up this morning to the sound of the wind whistling through the house and trying to rip the roof off. I swear I looked out the window and saw a medium sized pit bull flying by. So that was odd...but then lots of odd things happen before coffee.

I also stubbed my toe this morning on the coffee table, but clearly explained that if that should happen again the table might enjoy being whittled or becoming firewood... so now I think it should think about what it's done (wicked devil) and perhaps won't be a repeat offender.

Monday, January 28, 2008


I have missed the land of Blog and all of it's inhabitants!

I had quite a week. It was filled with laughter, childish pranks, wonderful food and fantastic company. Oh yeah, also this...
Yeah. We don't know either. It was hanging above Spartan's head in an odd and slightly evil giftshop...
It's where nightmares come from for sure... still gives me shivers...

Friday, January 18, 2008

Last night - no new Grey's. The tears are unabashedly washing down my cheeks and shan't cease until the writer's strike is over...

But other than that life is good. I am going to post some over the next week... but will be very busy concocting new and fun shenanigans to photograph for your viewing pleasure (good thing I typed that or I would have forgotten my camera...yikes).

I love online check-in! Got the best seats possible because I was awake at an ungodly hour so was able to get there before everyone else. HOOray. (So... it appears I will be flying the plane myself. Westjet is pretty relaxed about that type of thing...)

I have packed an entire suitcase of cosmetics and accessories. I think instead of reading on the flight I will perfect my bitchy eyebrow expression... as showcased below...

... and evidently that will help me become "beguiling".

(I don't know about you guys - but her hair kind of reminds me of the hair the dude had in Dracula?)

Happy weekend bloggers!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Naked at the gym, Pants Falling down and 2 days to go!

So, I am all ready to go to my other home on Saturday. I am very very pleased about this. So pleased in fact, that I awoke this morning and a great big grin spread across my face.... and I set about cleaning the house humming a little tune the entire time. Then I went to the gym. It was a good workout but the yoga pants I bought were too big so all the while I was running they were trying to fall down. Which was funny but annoying.

Then when I went into the change room I was greeted by a woman who was fully nude. I'm talking full on nekkid. Walking through the change room strutting her stuff with a towel in her hand. I mean I get it - you're proud of your body and comfortable with it. I'm so happy for you - really. But golly. Put the towel on. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU NEKKID. Yikes. It'd be different if she were simply changing but she was just strolling around la de dum.

I would never do that. I wonder if it's different for guys. Do they have any more discretion than women? Or are they all like BAM, check this out - how ya like me now?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The other day our friend and fellow blogger Earl made a comment about a monster hiding under the bed.

Got me to thinking... (UHOH)

When I was a kid I was absolutely convinced that there WAS indeed such a monster that had taken up residence in that very place. So sure, in fact, that I took a running leap into my bed for many years. When I say many years... I mean many years. I was nearly a teenager when this phenomenon stopped haunting my mind... and perhaps stopping me from becoming the next Olympian medal winning pole vaulter.

How, you may wonder, did I get to the point where I could get into the bed without the flying squirrel approach?

It began with logic dictating that they could not in actuality be anything under there except a few socks and the odd skittle. I proved this theory by turning on ALL of the lights, clutching a flashlight and LOOKING beneath the bed (and eating some skittles)... and then forcing myself to stand there with my toes under the bed for a long period of time. Though this filled me with irrational terror initially, eventually it worked. Logic overrode the fear and I was able to get into bed like normal people.

Though I have to admit that on occasion (ie, after watching the Grudge) I am still tempted to take a little hop...

Monday, January 14, 2008

The Mail Is Just a Wonderful Thing

I love getting mail. Snail mail. With stamps.

I hate getting junk mail.... usually.

But today I had a post card for a Past Life Regression journey. Now THAT could be fun.

I wonder if I really was a princess in my past life? Or maybe some starlett. That would explain a lot of things. Hmmm.

Last month when I was at my "other" home the doorbell rang. I think Spartan and I were in the process of getting up and showered, you know just not primed for company. But since Spartan was IN the shower - I went to answer the door. Since I don't know all of the people that know Spartan, it was quite possible that this couple standing outside the door were friends of his, just popping in to wish a Merry xmas and all that. And they LOOKED normal (ish).

Anyways, as usual I was being very friendly. They seemed sort of confused by my demeanor. That should have been the first clue. Then when the woman told me that she had met my husband back at the beginning of the year... my husband? That's clue number two, right? But on I went becoming friendlier by the second. So friendly in fact that I scared them away but not before the woman very nervously ask me how I felt about the death of a loved one. Then she read me the bible. Then they threw a pamphlet at me and literally ran like hell. But not before I yelled "Merry Christmas" down the street. Hee heee heh.

I returned to Spartan and produced the flyer. Mmm. Lighthouse. Learn yourself up baby. What? We're out of toilet paper? Here... use this. It will make you feel holey allover. *snicker*

Saturday, January 12, 2008

A Little Wisdom From Starbucks

"In a world where celebrity equals talent, and where make believe is called reality, it is most important to have real love, truth and stability in your life."

Amen, oh fabulous makers of java.

Imagine finding something so nice on your cup of coffee. Maybe it should really say... "In a world where celebrity equals talent, and where make believe is called reality, it is most important to be a make believe celebrity." I am make believing that right now. It is working. (Where the hell is the valet anyways? Why do I pay these people?).

Hmm. We should make up our own inspirational or funny sayings to right in permanent marker on our own coffee cups;

"In a world where coffee costs $5.00 a cup, where image is everything and Botox exists - it is most important to be rich, beautiful and wrinkle free."

YES. I likey. Any ideas from the peanut gallery?

Friday, January 11, 2008

Play It Again Sam...

Casablanca. They never actually said that in the movie you was, "Play it Sam. Play...As Time Goes By..."

I loved that movie. So heartbreakingly romantic. Just like the Notebook. The Notebook is the modern romantic equivalent to Casablanca. Wish I could do my hair like that...wish I could appear in black and white and wander around Paris with that soft lens effect, lol.

I had a dream last night that made me think of Casablanca. It was funny. I was in Paris at the beginning of it. I flew in on a little prop plane like the one in the afore mentioned movie. It was in colour - but my hair did look kind of fantastic (as only dream hair can). I also had a fabulous outfit on... but I digress. The point of my dream was - someone stole Spartan and I was searching for him. It was not unlike Where In The World in Carmen Sandiego... but there were these dreamy sequences of me walking around cities stopping on bridges and gazing out into the night longingly.

Every city I landed in had a clue. And I was often approached by random people who - for some reason knew what I was doing and were offering to help me by providing me with hints. It even had a soundtrack which makes it even stranger. (sort of like the link)

Anyways, I kept flying around - just narrowly missing him - but eventually after 30 years, I found him in the first place I started looking. Oddly, I was still wearing the same dress....He was standing near a fountain in a cobble stoned courtyard - just after it had finished raining. Strangely - as it was dreamland - we hadn't aged a bit but the entire world had. I think we actually looked younger. He had his hands in his pockets and a little smile. We walked towards eachother, slowly and I was crying - sobbing actually. I said, "My...ey...ey...eyes are leaking." He said, "I know just what to do about that." Instead of kissing away my tears like you might imagine - he broke out into this Riverdance type jig and started belting out "Singing in the Rain" that somehow did a full circle to "If Your Happy and You Know It". (Yes, I clapped my hands).

Somehow the romantic epic of a dream I was having went sort of sideways in the retelling. Which is precisely why I'm retelling it. Cuz it was funny.

Then he handed me a take out coffee (just the way I like it) and asked if I wanted to go home. I just smiled and nodded, we clasp hands and walked off into the night.

Dreams are strange. (I could certainly use that coffee right about now...)

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

What is it with creepy dudes at the gym? Creepy dudes who stare at you the entire time you are on the treadmill. The Problem is - even though I wanted to move - a) I didn't want to let him get to me AND b) I was afraid I might offend him or hurt his feelings!!!!! WHAT IS THAT? Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to run while someone stares at you? It's not right.

I remember my mom saying that when she and my dad used to argue he would sit and stare at her. I told her to paint eyes on her eyelids and stare back - but in actuality fall asleep like that. Sure fire way to win a staring contest. Perhaps I could employ this technique somehow with creepy man. But if I close my eyes on the treadmill, I WILL fall off.

Having gone away to consult my mother about the matter --- I return with a new plan, next time I will pretend to pick my nose. It will either, a) give him a reason to stare, or b) make him look away because it's yucky. PERFECT. (then I can just tell everyone else I was just dusting like Babs!)

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Bonus Post - pour vous! Mais oui! C'est vrai!

Roo-"Babs, that's gross. Stop picking your nose."
Babs-"I'm not ROO! I was just.... dusting it."
Me - loud unstoppable side clutching laughter while hugging my little dustmop tight. Oops. Mother of the year award is slipping further and further away...

I found a pair of smashing shoes today that have been missing in boxes that I have been searching through this week. These are my favorite and most painful shoes. They sparkle, they shine - and they make me 7 feet tall. (Okay not really). But you know how the taller you are the skinnier you look? Yeah? Well I feel like a twizzler when I wear these shoes - and in case you were wondering that's a good thing. Sadly, though they make my legs look rather fabulous if I do say so myself - they are really only good for one thing. That one thing is sitting. But sit I will and I will look damn good doing it.

That just completely cheered me up. Little things people. It's in the little things.

I also ate a chocolate chip cookie fresh from the oven. Nearly brought tears of joy to my eyes. I could have been 6 years old in that moment. Nothing so good for a grumpy day as a new "old" pair of shoes and a warm chocolate chip cookie.

I have also returned to confess that my pillow obsession has reached a new level of insanity. The pillows now take up exactly one half of my bed when made. It crept up slowly and now it's getting out of hand. Can't seem to stop myself. I keep adding more when no one's looking. Soon there will be no room left for the bed. When I actually go to bed and have to remove all of the"decorative" pillows - there is actually no floor left in the room. Makes it rather difficult when one's been drinking wine and attempts to find the loo around 3 a.m.... not that I know anyone like that mind you...
(I picture my life down the road;
Me - "I know Dr. but I really like pillows. They comfort me. It's like a hobby. I don't see the harm in it really."
Spartan - "But Dr., she makes me sleep on the floor. She says there's no room in the bed."
Me - "But I sleep with you on the floor!"
Spartan - "SEE?"
Me - "What! At least the stairs come in handy to arrange the pillows!!")
The worst part is - tonight for a fleeting moment, I was actually trying to figure out if I could manage to sleep stretched across the bottom of the bed - as not the disturb the carefully arranged bouquet of pillows (aka - b.o.p.).

And now I am going to go back to eating cookies and binge drinking. LOL. Just kidding. Hot cocoa tonight kids.
*in stage whisper* It's all about the chocolate.
AHRGH. Email isn't working. That makes me mad. Like an injured animal mad.

I don't usually reveal such things but - today I am frustrated with my life - we all have days like that I suppose. Today is mine. I have no right to feel sorry for my lot in life. AT ALL. Yet, here I am today doing just that. Anyone have any words of wisdom out there? Give em up. Or tell me to suck it up and get on with it. Since that is exactly what should be doing.

Good things?
It's crazy warm here today. Feels like spring outside. So that's nice. Yup.
I love my guy. He's really special.
I have great friends. Also very special.
My kids are sweet and have been showering me with kisses all day.
I have fresh baked bread. Yum.
I cleaned out the junk drawer.
I am having a semi good hair day.
I matched 6 pairs of misc. socks.
Also, I found a lovely shiny penny under my bed.

I want to go to sleep now and wake up next year... where did I put those depends? (They will look hot with this look don't you think?)

Actually, this looks like waaay to much effort. I mean who wears matching bows to bed?? Think I'll retire wearing the huge red flannel p.j's covered with penguins. They will feel far better than they look, lol.

Monday, January 07, 2008

A wonderful weekend, monsters and white knuckled lady

Did anyone out there know that Ottawa has no people in it? Tis the truth. City is deserted. Either that or they all sleep in really really late. They also have random "holidays" where they shut down the Starbucks simply to make me cry. Lucky for me Spartan found a Tim's and it is that reason that I may go back one day. That - and I'm dying to know where the people are actually hiding... (seriously - where the heck did they go? there was tumbleweed downtown)

On the return home I was seated beside a woman who was terrified to fly. The kind that practically claws your arm off and then nearly sits in your lap. Lady. You could have driven and - they do have drugs for that type of thing. Then there were the kids in front of me. Hellions. Three of them. Screaming "I am eating boogers" at the tops of their lungs and kicking the seats. The doctor can also provide something for that - the birth control pill. Tee hee hee. But seriously - why? Threaten to lock them in the basement for the rest of their lives or to take away their xbox. Do something. I mean - really - the emergency exit is NOT that hard to open. Is it really that hard to get your monsters to behave with a modicum of decorum?? They were old enough to know better. Sheesh. I'm eating boogers?! Who says that? Rant over. Really - I'm not that grumpy - but this was extreme.

I am about to prepare dinner and it's times like these that I wish Kat lived beside me so I could steal some of hers. She is such a good cook.

I'm going to go pour myself a very delicious beverage's going to have some alcohol in it. I know this shocks you seeing as how I'm a Reverend and all.

Lastly - I think we should unite as bloggers and do something about this writers strike. This is starting to bug me. No new Grey's??!! I will die a little each Thursday until this is rectified. Maybe we could as a collective write the shows ourselves? I'm getting desperate. I can only take so much. This is Grey's we're talking about here. It's practically my best friend. (Okay - maybe I'm being a bit dramatic - ) I wonder if the writers are stockpiling fabulous scripts so that when they do come back they will make it up to us - the innocent and loyal viewers? That thought will keep me going for another week - but then I think something ought to be done. Maybe, if we all chip in 5 bucks we could bribe them?

Thursday, January 03, 2008

You Can Dress Me Up...

Evidently I should not be allowed to drink wine. It makes me silly. Though... I have to admit I think there is a chance that I might be anyways. (In fact - in the picture above I am pretty sure I had only had one glass of wine and yet... it would appear that I had zero inhibitions...)


I have no idea what I was doing here. Looks like I was cursing her... or putting peas in her hair. Actually I think I just gave her a wet willy. Memory is a little hazy...

This was the night out the brought the previously mentioned "Christmas Number One" to an end. I hate it when it ends. Makes me go into a kind of hibernation of sorts. But what a great way to end it.

There was this one table of older women. We called them the "cougar" table. They were sitting - attempting to act in a rather refined manner throughout their dinner. This appeared to be only for the benefit of the male inhabitants of the restaurant this particular evening since - in the ladies bathroom they were caught belching out the alphabet. "K"lassy.

At one point in the evening I have a vague recollection of the kitchen staff coming out to our table and hugging one of the diners. And if that isn't strange enough for you - I also recall shoving several bits of cutlery down Carrie's top...

Sigh. Do my hair, nails and put a beautiful dress on me... I'm still just as much me as when I am tucked into bed wearing my flannel p.j.'s. Well - not to say that I can't act properly - I just don't really like to... certainly not with the company I had that evening. What a lot of fun. Have I mentioned before that I love my people? I love my people. They take care of me and make sure that I arrive home in one piece... and also that I don't leave any bits of clothing behind.

Now - for something totally unrelated and shamelessly i will make absolutely no attempt to segue... (ever ride one of those? Might be fun...)

I went to the gym yesterday to do the formerly mentioned much loathed leg work out. I stopped loathing it though somewhere in there. Now I'm back to where I was at the beginning. I feel like I've been beaten with a pipe from the waist down. My fault. Didn't do the workout regularly enough and now I'm paying for it. I cannot walk properly down the stairs and am not holding out much hope of donning heels and being able to walk gracefully tomorrow. Funny to watch though.

Again no segue.... too tired.

I did finally manage to locate body tape. Oh yes. Been looking for that. Fantastic for those outfits that threaten to fall down or reveal just a tad too much. J Lo used it so that makes it cool. Actually - scratch that - I will use it - THAT will make it cool. I imagine that it won't be long until I come up with a prank or a stupid human trick that uses this stuff. Oooh. New party tricks here we come.

Off to have a fantabulous weekend and am verra verra excited. Hope you guys have a great one too.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Going through old boxes...

Found some old pics of Carrie and I jumping on the bed.

The Whistler trip with Jeff and Carrie... I think we were really hung over here...

The Harrison Hot Springs trip with Carrie - we were going to be famous movie stars...

(I have worn my hair the same way for - like - 10 years. I need a new style... )

I love finding old Carrie and Liz pics... (PST Carrie - how much will you pay me not to post the one of you 9 months pregnant dancing in your underoos? - I know I know ... miss piggy pic - I won't do it ;-P)