Thursday, December 28, 2006
I've been tagged by Mark to see if I'm interesting... I think I should have been drinking prior to attempting this one...
Open sometimes, closed sometimes. Depends how drunk I am when I fall into bed.
2. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
I have no idea. I was away. I'll let you know for the next one though...
3. What kind of winter coat do you own?
If I told you how many winter coats I own - you would think me a glutton. Rightfully so. That is all I will say here.
4. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Does that thing on the bus in the Dominican count? Otherwise it would have been last week when I picked up the intercom at a local store and paged myself just for shits and giggles.
5. Where do you keep your change?
Everywhere. Fricken EVERYWHERE. Something must be done.
6. Describe your keychains?
I have all manner of silliness including a huge pretend diamond ring key chain. I still haven't managed to track down that miniature cactus in a bottle keychain that I so covet. Several of the keys are only decorative since I don't know what they belong to - but I have to keep them there "just in case".
7. What is your favorite flavor of jelly?
Blackberry - but the jam not so much the jelly. So... I guess I should say that I don't have one. I think I messed this question up...
8. Some things you are excited about?
Oh! This question.... until I realized I had no clue what to say...
9. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
No. Germaphobe. There might be germs there - clean ones maybe - but germs none the less.
10. Have you ever been in a planetarium?
This is ME we are talking about. I love this shit. Makes me feel clever.
11. Have you ever received one of those big tins with three kinds of popcorn?
Yes. And I ate it.
12. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
No. I don't like it in the least. I'm sure underwater I look all mermaidian but the second my head comes out of the water I look like a drowned rat and my hair never EVER feels dry on vacation. Much as I love the ocean - I need to spend all sorts of money on conditioners to get a comb through my seawater infused hair.
13. Any plans for Friday night?
Bubble bath and sleep. Maybe Carrie's garage? Let's have a ho-down. *smirk* What say you ladies?
14. What is out your back door?
A really big yard that I really don't want to have to mow come summer, a greenhouse so that I can try to grow something for the garden (which is also out the backdoor incidentally) and the crazy man named Bob's backyard. Crazy Bob is a nutjob but that's for another day. And a squirrel... hullo little squirrel. (I gave him some of the tinned popcorn and now we are friends)
15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've ever had?
Wisdom teeth. The doctor was a sado-masochist. (How do you spell that anyways?)
16. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No. I make pretty pictures and sometimes write angry letters to god. (I'm joking)
17. Who did you lose your concert virginity to?
This is bad - MILLI VANILLI.
18. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Yeah, but I often speak in accents, pretend to be someone else entirely or imitate the message recorded on the machine.
19. How many different beverages have you had today?
One - it's early. Coffee. A giant bowl of coffee (oooh that Alice in Wonderland thing is happening again)
20. Last thing you received in the mail?
Junkmail, a book I ordered for school and a thank you card.
21. Have you had to take out a loan for school?
Yes. Why not. (we have to pay that back! Crap. Guess I should bring back some of those coats!)
22. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Yes. But when I tell people this they look at me like I have an ear on my forehead.... Little John (Little). And the clan Colquhoun of Scotland. Cnoc Ealachain! (War cry). We were rebels. Famous for a feud - remember Braveheart? Yep, that's us. Damned heathens.
23. Your prom night?
Errrr. Cnoc Ealachain!
24. Do you know all the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
I dunna have one.
25. Are you any good at math?
Yes. I'm good at fricken everything. (That's why I noticed that the numbers 24 were repeated twice, hehehehe - unlike some people - my powers of observation are astounding - YES?)
26. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
26. What were you doing this morning at 8 AM?
Trying to sleep but it wasn't working.
27. When was the last time you shaved?
Yesterday - my legs - diiiirty birds.
28. Explain what ended your last relationship.
An axe. Wishful thinking. LOL.
Since tagging is fun - I tag Green Fish, Earl, Elizabeth and Bad(ger) Daddy and anyone who comes to visit my blog and is so inclined... seriously... this was fun.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
1. I have mentioned this before - I have an irrational fear of midgets. I know this fear is unkind and that they are simply people who are only different in stature. Despite the logic that is right there for all to see - I seem unable to overcome this terrible affliction. As soon as one pops into view, I break into a sweat and have trouble thinking clearly. This will not change in my lifetime. ( I must also admit that when I see them, I get grossed out at the thought of them having sex with people of normal stature. I am sick. Sick and twisted. I am going to burn in hell.)
2. I used to sneak into a university where I was not enrolled and the professors treated me like a star student...I pretended that I belonged and so... I did. That was cool. But I still don't feel like I am as intelligent as I should be. So I read tonnes of really weird stuff and watch obscure shows to absorb useless information that I will more than likely --- never use.
3. I can squirt milk out of my left tear duct.
4. I have a freckle on my upper lip and one between my toes.
5. Sometimes - I feel like I am invisible.... no shit. And then when someone looks me in the eye - I feel like I have reappeared. (This can take days - but it happens much faster when I start singing that song ;-D They usually look alarmed...)
6. When people make repetitive movements/sounds - such as the tapping of a pencil, the shaking of a leg or the heinous crime of knuckle cracking- I get really REALLY agitated. I have been known to reach out and grab the offensive appendage (belonging to a perfect stranger) and demand that they cease immediately or the fear of death will fall upon them. Well, okay I don't threaten to kill them or make them think I might exactly... I just speak through clenched teeth with a psychotic look in my eye. It has proven effective thus far.
I'm not very interesting really. Sorry folks.
I tag Kat, Earl, Slyde, Cheezy, Fish and BigBadgerDaddio. (come on people - make me feel a wee bit less invisible and give it a go...)
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Now for the remainder of the wish list...
This would make for a great hangover breakfast assistant. I also need to use this for a first date at the local pasta dive.
I am done. For today anyways...
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
2. Apparently I am able to meringue. (or is that a type of sugary food - I mean the dance -- someone spell that for me) .
3. Cocoa Loco makes for a very interesting drunk.
4. Humidity does wonders for my hair.
5. After several cocoa locos and some dancing, I am able to converse quite fluently with people from all around the globe. (Sadly, at breakfast the next morning they all come to talk to me and I can't understand a bloody word they are saying).
6. Those flamingos in the pond were not decorations (they bite).
7. I can barter with the best of them.
8. (even though) I cannot figure out how many pesos are in a dollar. I just can't.
9. Borat is a universal language (High five!).
10. You have accomplished something special when you go away with a group of 30 and they all still like you enough to run and hug you goodbye before you leave - and actually look sorry to part with you.
11. Above all else - I have learned that the best way hands down to overcome the effects of a hangover - is to open your slider and stare out into the ocean from the shade of a palm tree (and then flag down the bartender to bring you another shot of gasoline).
12. DO NOT under any circumstances get a pedicure in a less than stellar salon in the Dominican. (thank god for the Twinrex shots).
Sigh. The worst part of the trip was having to fly home to snow and have to sit through an entire day at court the next day. It took a very large and tasteless coffee to keep me awake.
Can't wait until next time.... pics to follow as soon as I locate the camera software...
Monday, December 11, 2006
So for now - HIGH FIVE! (in Borat accent) and I'll pop in later to amuse you with all of the insanity that was the last week.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said I love you and meant it
09. Hugged a tree (I was drunk)
10. Bungee jumped (does that thing at Canada's Wonderland count?)
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise ~one too many times...right Kath
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
.16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (there's a story behind this)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk.
42. Had amazing friends ~ who've needed taking care of when they were drunk
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe.
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love :o(
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow - also a story
56. Alphabetized your CDs (I am not answering this)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken 6
9. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie ~ The Air Up There (woo hoo eh Kat?)
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced - well almost.
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage8
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children ~still a work in progress as well
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild 118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery (wisdom teeth)
120. Had a snake as a pet (for three days when I was 7)
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life (maybe - his wife certainly thought so)
Sunday, November 26, 2006
This kid who sold me the barbell was convinced that the hole would have grown in. Nope. After a decade your body decides to give in and let it be. I have had my belly pierced since doing that was considered shocking. 14 years ago - I can safely say I was one of a handful of people who had done such a crazy thing (especially where we grew up). Then the tattoo, the nose ring and the crazy Tina Turner hair. I wonder now if perhaps I should concede that at age 30, one should retire such childish things... But it's just so sparkly and cute. The only difference is, now - I'm just freaky underneath my sweater sets and pearls. I'm such a dork.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
While I'm here I'd also like to complain about people. Not anyone in particular, I'd just like to lodge a general complaint at people... generally.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
The little people who live beside us are Russian. They are little apple dolls that are masquerading as people. (When I googled "apple dolls" I got this... and it is really creepy and I think it may give me nightmares). Apple people had some problems with their computer so I went over to help them. He is 85 and she is 81. Did I mention how cute they were? Anyways, she starts telling me how her husband suffers from a bad back and arthritis - she points out it's because HE is old - in a hushed tone "He IS 85 you know!". Next thing I know, I see him in our back yard moving a huge filing cabinet back into the storage shed. Little old Superman. She must have gotten comfortable with me because she started talking to me in Russian. Then her husband came back with a bucket of unpasturized honey and started telling me all of it's benefits - good for burns, good for cuts, scrapes, sore throats, blisters, chapped lips - you name it. Just slap some honey on there and you're good to go. "Why no body here knows this... not like the old country. In old country, everyone know honey like magic."
So, off I went with honey in hand thinking how nice it is to have little old apple people next door...who keep showing up at my back door with muffins and little presents and talking to me in Russian.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
So, as I was feeling better yesterday I went out with a friend from school. It was kind of last minute and unexpected and that's always sort of fun. We ended up at this over 30 crowd event kind of by accident. But it was good music and ...well they had a bar...so we stuck around. When I say "over 30" I mean "over 50". This was some serious trainwreckage people. Though - I must admit I do enjoy seeing people of all ages having a good time - I do NOT enjoy watching someone my grandmother's age grind with someone while sporting a black pleather mini skirt. That is terribly wrong on many many levels. It was the Twilight Zone - or perhaps the Dead Zone is more appropriate - mayhaps if I drive by the same place today it will not be there anymore. (I need you to pray on this people. I'm hoping it isn't LOL.)
Now, not surprisingly being the only young ones hangin about and - we gained some seriously unwanted attention.
The first of the unwanted attentions was gained by a fellow who was, shall we say, dancing to his own beat. I was sure he had an IPOD on since I have no idea what he was grooving to. Well - as not to be hurtful and as he was putting forth such an effort on the dancefloor - I conceded to a little dance with him. It was a dizzying experience and it left me wishing I had more of that gravol I have become so dependent upon lately. But he really did work it - so much so in fact that he had his own sweat towel. Yes. Towel. For sweat. When he sat down to take a break (or to fix his hearing aide) he put his sweat soaked towel on a nearby table. Shortly after his break some ladies sat down at the table with their buffet (ya, it had a buffet - these old folk know how to party) and all I could think was sweatytowelsweatytowelsweaty. Shiver.
The second fellow we nicknamed "Mr. Yellowpants". Yep - you guessed it clever people he was wearing yellow pants. Not just any old yellow pants though - these were.... well, quite remarkable. They were hammerpants. You have to give the guy credit though. He has probably had them since wearing them was cool. Maybe he's bringin sexy back.
I could go on all day - but it's giving me flashbacks that I don't really want to deal with so this will have to suffice.
Here's to you - my loyal friends for putting up with me!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
We have decided to discuss the things that we are so blessed to call our own here in Canada.
Ketchup Chips - unless you have tried these delectable little red chips please don't scoff at them
Dill Pickle Chips - food of the gods and goes freakishly well with Hawaiian pizza (which was created here in Canada by the way.... don't quite get that but... okay)
Nanaimo bars (we made 'em first)
Butter tarts- Date squares- Pablum- Crispy Crunch bars-smarties- McIntosh toffee bars- Red Rose tea (Only in Canada ....Pity) Is this all true? Can it be you don't have Smarties?? Gaspe! So, if I were to say "Do you eat the red ones last?" would you think I was making a cannabalistic reference to the Natives?
It is quite obvious that some people are having a tough time understanding Canadians, so the following will run through a very brief translation of the Canadian 'dialect' and hopefully help some of you out.
- EH = pronounced AY (similar, but not the same as huh)
- Eh is a useful word that is very important and is the basis of all Canadian communications.
- It is used in conjunction with other words, or simply by itself.
The tone or the slight differences in exclamation also changes the meaning:
- Eh? = what did you say?
- Eh? = what do you think?
- EH? = something to say just to end a sentence.
- Eh? want a doughnut or some Tim Bits?
- Eh! = sure!!
- Eh? = what you say when you realize you have no money to pay for it.
- Eh...uhuh = yes sure!
- Eh..wanna? eh? = lets fool around ...
- EHHHHHHH = sounds coming from the car.
- hey..um..er eh... = I'm pregnant!
- EH????????? = how did that happen?
- EHHehhEHHehhEHHH = sounds from the delivery room.
- EHHH-ehh, EHHH-ehh = baby's first cry.
Other interesting Canadian terms:
hoser = a good friend..
take off! (variation - take off, eh!) = you are kidding, no way, fly an airplane.
Two-Four = case of 24 bottles/cans of beer.
Over by = no one has deciphered that term yet.
Stays where ye're at and I'll come where yer to - Stay there, I'm coming.
Our "Civil war" was led by a drunken, and possibly insane William Lyon McKenzie.
Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little less than an hour.
The only person arrested and hanged after our civil war was an American mercenary who slept in and missed the whole fight, showing up just in time to get caught.
The Hudson Bay company once owned 1/11th of the Earth's surface.
The average dog sled team can kill and devour a grown human in less than three minutes.
We don't have much of a taste for powdered bear testicles, but we know who does, and we're willing to sell them.
We wear socks (black ones, if possible) with our sandals.
We knew plaid flannel was cool way before Seattle did.
We can out-drink most Americans.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Friday, November 03, 2006
Click the link above, scroll down to the bottom of the page and you will see that there are several jobs that are utilizing the mentally handicapped for job placements. I mean, I'm all about having mentally handicapped people working but.... maybe some jobs just aren't a good idea? Thoughts?
Some of the jobs listed are as follows;
Gas Station Attendant, Construction Worker, Credit Representative, Crossing Guard, Bouncer, Data Entry Clerk, Farm Labourer, Receptionist
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Sister Rockstar lovin on the moosacock.
Sister SPI giving lessons.
Poor sweet Sister Boogie Woogie - kept wondering what the hell she was thinking hangin out with us crazies.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I was not allowed to bring my lipgloss on the plane. Unless it was in a ziplock bag. I'm not sure what measure of safety lies therein - nor did the people at the airport so I was left confused and without shimmery lips.
Secondly - no hand sanitizer. WHAT? Do you have any idea how many germs congregate on airplanes???? Do they sell it inside? Nope. At least not in Hamilton. But they do in Calgary - so at least I felt slightly less contaminated on the last 4 hours of my journey. But since I already caught a cold on the flight over, it did little to appease me.
Lastly - while in US airspace there are no line ups allowed for the bathroom. Riiiight.
I'm glad there are people somewhere making a living for coming up with this shite. No doubt that wherever they are they have glossy lips and clean hands.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
We drove up to Whistler on Friday in the late afternoon - got there in the evening. The condo we were staying at was a four story walk up with a view that was beyond beautiful - thanks to our friend who's cousin owns it (back to that who you know...).
Once we got there - and climbed many MANY stairs, we opened up several bottles of red wine and let the laughter begin. And there in front of the fire, glasses of wine in hand and fettuccini alfredo in our bellies - the Sisterhood of the Drunken Yaya's began. (complete with a handshake)
Our current members are as follows;
the revered Sister Superstar whose burps are unparalleled in the known world,
the great and powerful Sister Rockstar who can wield her power like a queen and make grown men pluck out body hair to appease her,
the shy and sweet Sister Boogie Woogie who danced like a fiend until they kicked her out,
the hilarious and lovely Sister Spanky Pecker Inspector (the bride) who the weekend was in honor of and myself,
Sister Dontchawishyourgirlfriendwasatardlikeme, oh I mean Dontchawishyour girlfriendwashawtlikeme (LOL) Nuff said.
There were some things I'm not even sure I should write about. The poor, poor men in that bar. They should have been warned.
At one point Sister SPI got into the cage (yahoy, I said cage) and danced with the most terrifying woman on planet earth. Just prior to Sister SPI jumping on up in there - the creature was doing this sort of stripper dance and when she lifted up her leg we saw something very VERY wrong down there being flashed at us at eyelevel. Later on - after about 3 shots of tequila and two double martini's (okay and 3 vodka and cranberry) Sister DWYGWHLM got into the cage and was molested by a 22 year old girl who kept yelling "you turn me on" and slamming her against the side of the cage sumo style. Pleas for help to the other yaya's were not granted - instead they all lined up to stare and laugh. NICE. (okay, yeah it was me). Sister Rockstar spent the night playing a bachelorette game that the rest of us thought ended after the first hour - we had various points ranging from 10 to 50 - but she ended up with something like 150 points. The points were accumulated by getting men to do various things such as, buy you a drink (easy), do a shot with you (easy), dance with you (easy), flash your bra (okay, not AS easy), give us their underwear and so on. One man became known as Commando for the evening. Commando had a body made of granite. He was into triathlons - I think he said. To be honest I wasn't really listening since I was too busy treating him shamelessly like a piece of meat. Oh what fun. (Sorry Commando).
We have decided that the Sisterhood will hold yearly events and I really can't wait for the next one. These girls are so much fun.
Friday, October 20, 2006
On the way home I wore everything I bought - so as not to have to pay duty. But with all 6 layers and a raincoat made of rubbery scuba diving type material, I was really kind of warm. (Bonus to that - if we are looking to find a silver lining that would be that I lost approx 10 pounds in sweat and the dresses looked even better.) My girl Carrie followed suit and the two of us were very stylish and oh so very stay puffed marshmallow- manish. We were a wee bit nervous on the way back but the border guard ask us where we were from and it ended up that he had just moved to BC from my home town. Small world. So we were like old friends - just got waved on through with a wink and a smile - instead of being thrown in jail. Good thing I dressed for the occasion. LOL. (But if I was ever to be jailed for any offense, I would be proud to go down for shopping).
Tonight - on to Whistler to commence the Stagette activities. I have a car waiting packed to the brim with red wine and coolers, and many many dresses that I probably won't get to wear. But at least if I am called upon - I'll be drunk and sexy. Hmmm. That didn't sound so great. Oh well - I AM on vacation.
I'll be back to Blog sometime on Sunday - hungover and looking forward to the trip to the spa and the casino.
This is just going by too fast.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
May I take this moment to say that I think pumpkin pie is yucky. I think it is uber yucky. No one should smash up a veggie and put it in a pie crust, top it with whipped cream and say "dessert". Wrong. Not like deep fried turkey wrong - but sneaky wrong. I know it's not really normal to do that. Just like people shouldn't eat zuccini bread as desert. Nope, that should count as a full on serving of veggie.
and now for a little giggle...
You Might Be A Redneck If:
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. (check)
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings. (tempted)
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat. (this has happened to me, but not my pet or my house - but I was there)
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop. (that reminds me of a story...)
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup. (that kicks ass)
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. (THIS - I must have)
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Some tidbits for you...
Last night something - raccoons?- ate my precious fish. None but scales left of them now. Take a moment of silence please - these fish were painstakingly kept alive for years. Now they are digesting inside of some furry little creature.
While my fish were being murdered, I was at Carrie's house giving her a birthday present and celebrating her big 30 with a few cocktails. We were a wee bit giddy and I convinced Carrie and Patrick that it was a good idea to call his neighbour using the Howard Stern soundboard. It was good times. I, not surprisingly, took the computer and Carrie dialed the phone. From there, Patrick and Carrie took their posts - curled up on the floor clutching their guts with laughter. Who knew that being so juvenile could be so much fun?
If you haven't attempted this, I urge you to do it tonight. As I said to the two of them, you will be so glad you did. Then you have to come back here and let us know how it went. By the way, no one should be safe, parents are good victims too but I would suggest the Mr Rogers soundboard for them (especially if they have a cat). Some of you remember when I did that to my father - and those of you who know him know just how funny that was...
....and now a wee contest...
Going to Whistler in 10 days. It is for a stagette for the girl who posts as Carrie in BC. I need ideas to embarrass my friend. If anyone has some - please let me know. The more embarrassing the better! You can email these to me, if I use your idea - you will receive a free funnygirlfromcanada magnet. Because, who doesn't want one of those? Make sure to include your mailing address in the email so that if you win I can send you your prize.
Last week was fun, took my cat to the vet to cut her fingers off. Well - that and have her dewormed and de-earmited and given a rabies shot. Yes, I know. It's cruel. I only did it because she has been living in a cage for over a year at a shelter and doesn't seem to want to stop destroying my wool throw rugs - and any other furniture that crosses her cute little path. She's a scratchaholic and I can't seem to retrain her - so I took the next natural step and had her tortured. Poor little poppet. I did, at least secure painkillers for her to take for the next week or so. She doesn't even seem to know that anything happened to her, cats are so stoic. Anyhoo - she did her part at getting me back, during the car ride home she peed on my lap. Nice. Guess I deserved it. I have a history with cats doing that to me. Back in highschool, I found a stray and decided to take it to school in the hopes that someone would adopt it. Since I was riding the bus, I tucked the little monkey into my backpack and was holding it on my lap. Suddenly a warm sensation indicated that perhaps I should have left the cat at home. I called my mother from school and ask that she bring me a change of clothes. When she stopped laughing, she did. Thank god. Long story shortened - kept the cat in the drama room and someone finally said they would take it. Woo hoo.
Well - hope you all enjoy Thanksgiving (in Canada) and otherwise just have a nice weekend!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The Invention of the Snorkle
I was watching Liv (dear friends daughter) running around with a snorkle in her mouth pretending to be an elephant yesterday and it got me to thinking...(uho). Do you think whoever invented the snorkle did so because they were watching an elephant swimming around and thought - gee, if I had a tube like that I could breath underwater too? Because, if you ever really LOOK at a snorkle - it really does look like an elephant's trunk - except the part that is the end of the elephant nose is the part that we put in our mouth (kind of gross when thought of that way but terribly effective all in all). So now I am going to google this and enlighten you with the results. First off I have discovered my inability to spell - that would be SNORKEL - for all you superior spelling wizards out there (and I would have fixed it but it was kind of funny)... and then I found this... (I soooo want one of these - Happy 30 soon - what a perfect gift to awe me with) Then I found this and promptly stopped looking... you will see why... And so I have learned that googling the most innocent of things is never really safe even though at first - I really thought someone invented a snorkle for a cat and I was intrigued (naive maybe?) anyhoo...What I never found out was who invented the frickin snorkel or how they came up with it. So I have used my powers of deductive reasoning to decide that there is a very good possibility that they came up with this idea while watching an elephant. From this day forward that is what I will choose to beleive. There you have it. End of story. (But please share any ideas you have - unless it is along the lines of that last - shudder - search).
Let me splain'...
Yesterday, I was sitting outside having my coffee break in a little seating area across from the courthouse. I glance across the street and see a woman walking down the street in a French maid's costume. I lunge for the phone and check the date - nope - not Halloween. What the? And before you boys get too excited, she easily weighed in at around 340. And the skirt was very short. More power to her though - she was damn proud of her overly generous physique. But - as some of you who know me have already figured out - it took every fiber of my being not to ask her the reason for this unusual garb.
So, she walks on and eventually disappears around the corner and slowly the conversation at nearby tables recommences. I start to think perhaps I only imagined it and make myself a mental not to stop using sweetener - BUT THEN - a man comes a strollin around the corner heading north, who is walking on a 90 degree angle with his head pointed towards the courthouse- from the waist. I think, "Wow, that's weird.", but then feel utterly ashamed of myself for thinking that of someone who obviously suffers from some heinous disease. (But of course, I keep staring at him). Then he reaches the next corner aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand - what I attempt to do next is going to come nowhere near giving you the just of it with mere words, but committed blogmaster that I am, I go forward nonetheless - the man turns slowly and slowly all the way around to face South. While he does this, he manages somehow to bend his body back in the direction it was facing - towards the courthouse - while his person is in fact heading in the opposite direction. (anyone follow that?) believe me, in my head I'm going "How the hell am I going to blog this? Surely I must - but how?".
Hope you get a vague impression of just how odd my day was. I think I am living in purgatory. I actually had nightmares.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Bachelor #2 - This is Jeremy. Jeremy is very detail oriented. He believes granola holds the secrets of the universe. This Cancer loves to Tango (naked). He currently holds a record breaking ant farm that takes up an entire basement and is currently perfecting a breeding program for earth worms. He feels they should be a protected species.
Bachelor #3 This is Chuck. Chuck is a rocker and wants to be the next Michael Jackson. He wants you to look past his handsome exterior to see the stud beneath. Chuck is learning to speak Spanish. He believes re is Casanova reincarnate. Chuck has recently decided to tell David Hasselhoff that he is his true father. Good luck Chuck!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Saturday, September 23, 2006
And a little work story:
Tell me I'm not a team player. Yesterday I am helping a client, who needs her American passport and birth certificate to apply for an extension to remain in the country. Her former friends that moved into her old apartment told her that they threw them out - because they had a disagreement. This is illegal so we are going to have her press charges. Anyhoo - just to verify that the documents are not where she left them I call in a police escort to the residence to search. Unfortunately the people had moved out a month ago so I will have to try to do some detective work to track them down. Luckily the people who moved in were very understanding and directed us to the basement, where a room was filled with stuff from the previous tenants.
Talk about Itchy Bitchy spiders people. Anything that was left was in the damp recesses of a horrid basement filled with refuse, some of which formerly belonged to our client was filled with every creepy crawly known to man. While the (very cute*) cop held a maglite, I donned rubber gloves and in a fashion only comparable to a CSI episode started sifting through this stuff - alas no documents. But any of you know my position on spiders will know how hard that was for me to do. I still feel like things are crawling on me, even after I showered 3 times and sprayed "Off" on myself (just in case).
So now - off to the American Consulate in Toronto on Tuesday morning to try to get these replaced. I'm sure that will be another adventure. Toronto always is...
* oh yeah, cute cop was called to a dispute of mass proportions just down the street, since the tenants were being co-operative, he asked if it would be okay to leave us to it. I told him that was fine and thanked him. Then he told me to hang onto the flashlight - I said, "However, will I get it back to you?" (using my very best Scarlett impersonation and a few batts of the eyelashes for effect), and he presented me with his phone number and email. All in a hard days work people.
- Seriously though - I think he just figured I needed it more than he did. But it was nice of him none the less.
Have a wonderful weekend people
- and as a postscript - what the hell happened to Grey's Anatomy??!! They showed the second episode first. Damn them all to hell. Now I'm mad. The season opener was fraught with the Plague and featured our darling Izzy crying on the floor in her prom dress. It was smashing! It had a bit more oomph than the second episode (that they showed first) and as I see it - I think someone out there should send us (me) McDreamy to personally apologize. In lieu of McDreamy, Alex or George will suffice - or even Dr. Mark if he's wearing that towel...
Thursday, September 21, 2006
2. Yippee it's Thursday - this means good TV. What snacks should I get on the way home for good TV? Feedback people.
3. Where the hell did Badger go?
4. Should I "Kill with kindness", or "Kick the bottom" of a co-worker - who is a complete and utter wench (but she has great smelling hair, at least she's got that going for her... and she's not stupid so there's that, and I suppose she is pretty, and she dresses really well - but she's mean to me for no reason that I can surmise) I think kindness. But thus far it has not worked for me. (insert mental image of me pouting here)
5. Is it a sign of mental illness that I am overly fond of statistics? 28% of people think so.
6. Why do men, on the highway IN A CAR try to pick you up on the drive to work? Unless you think I can telepathically send you my phone number, there is little chance of further communications. And even if I could - it is likely that I wouldn't give you the phone number - since boys are dumb. Especially ones who talk on cell phones and try to pick women up on the highway.
7. Lastly, is it bad that my daughter sings "Itchy Bitchy Spider" instead of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and I have started doing it too? Wrong message?
Monday, September 18, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Here are a few things I will be asking Santa to bring me...
1. I want blue water. Because that's fricken cool. It's an LED light - I would always brush my teeth in the dark. But - I'd need one for the shower too - and the toilet.
3. Both of these. Everyone should have a urinal and a toilet. This would get more comments than the trout in the tub for sure.
5. This shirt. It is actually sound sensitive.
There will be more later - I just wanted to throw a few ideas out there.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
There are some people who may be getting some of this for Christmas. I particularly like the chocolate covered scorpions and the salt and vinegar crickets. (Who thought that idea up?)
The monkey tea actually sounds kind of fun. I might try it just so I can tell people I had tea that was picked by specially trained monkeys. Or perhaps the coffee bean that are "regurgitated by weasels". That might even start a bizarre trend. If I was famous - I'd use my fame to mess with people. I'd seriously drink "regurgitated by weasels" coffee and try to make everyone do it too. I'd make it cool.
I'll leave you with some food for thought...
My next dinner party will include the following; Oyster and strawberry milkshakes, marshmallow and spam fried sandwiches, jello sushi and -- for dessert... I'll have to include some of those gross insects from the site above.
Who wants to come?
Monday, September 11, 2006
Then, today I was talking to my Mom and brought up the wasp incident at the grocery store. She didn't know what I was talking about.
I said "You know, last week at Costco with the baby---- remember?---- and I went running around the parking lot like a lunatic?"
Then recognition washes over my Mother's face followed by laughter - hysterical laughter. She apparently didn't know there was a wasp. Her eyesight is awful anyways and a wasp is pretty small. She just remembered thinking to herself, "Boy she's acting peculiar today.".
Then it occurred to me that there were probably 400 people in that parking lot - none of them close enough to see the wasp. I must have looked like a lunatic to everyone.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Toronto is seriously one of the best cities in the world to people watch. Crazies are everywhere. And they don't know that you know that they don't know that they happen to be crazy, you know? -- and that makes it much more fun.
Anyways - I'll leave you with this...I learned the art of Chinese handwriting.
(now tilt your head to the right...)
Thursday, September 07, 2006
On the way out the door, my poor daughter kept telling me that she was big too - and getting her backpack stuffed full of everything she could find so that she could go to school with her brother. Soon enough, I'm afraid.
Other fun stuff.... nope. Sorry folks, nothing else just now. OOOH - cept I found a really good recipe for meatloaf. I think I'm going to make it for dinner. Yippee. (never EVER thought I'd ever make meatloaf....)
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
I am hard pressed to find words to express my thoughts and feelings. I think that I , however, ought to try. My own brother knew some of the boys killed - that makes it more than just my being Canadian that causes me to pause and write this. It feels like in some indirect way that I knew them. That it could have been - and still could be since he will tour again- my own brother. It is that I don't want these lives to be in vain. I want them remembered and talked about. I want us to be proud of them - and to give them the respect they and their families so deserve. Does it matter that only a handful of people read this - not so much as it matters that it is written.
It seems sadder still that one of our own Hamilton boys - a former Olympic contender - was killed by friendly fire. Graham died on Monday when an American jet mistakenly mistook our soldiers for the Taliban. Please don't get me wrong - I don't hate all Americans nor do I blame the soldiers flying the plane directly responsible for this mistake. I believe that a mistake in protocol is evident. I think the people higher up need to re-examine their methods and our manner of communication with our allies needs to be looked at. Sadly, Graham is not the first to die this way - in 2002, four other soldiers were killed in a combat exercise in Kandahar. Although deaths by friendly fire are an accepted thing in war - it is none the less very disheartening when it happens. I certainly don't know all the facts but, I hope someone out there re-examines the measures taken to assure that everything possible is done to prevent a repeat occurrence.
Four other soldiers will come home this weekend draped with our flag as they are put to rest and forever held in our hearts; Sgt. Shane Stachnik, Warrent Officer Frank Mellish and Warant Officer Richard Nolan (all based at CFB Petawawa, Ont) and Pte. William Jonathan James Cushley.
As I stated earlier - I myself didn't know these men. But something about their deaths touched me so deeply, that I found myself sitting on a bench with tears streaming down my cheeks while my children played at the playground this afternoon. Perhaps something to do with the empathy inherent in every Mother's heart when she thinks of a mother somewhere who will never again get to hold her child. I thought of the children who had to learn that their Daddy wouldn't come home to them. I listened to my children laughing and I felt my heart breaking. I held the kids hands so tight on the way back to the car - I think they thought I'd lost my mind. I must have hugged them a hundred times. I figure I might as well just hold on as tight as I can for as long as I can - simply because I can.
As Stef suggested, when 911 comes let's offer up our thoughts and prayers to all of the people who were victims of the original attacks -- and all of those that have given or lost their lives since as a direct or indirect result. Each and every one of them was someone's child.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Yes, today I feel old and wonder when all of that exciting stuff you get to do as an adult starts. You know, all that stuff you spend your childhood and angst filled teen years looking forward to. Perhaps it's happening right now but I won't notice till it's over? That would be fitting somehow.
The worst part though - hands down - is the fact that I can no longer throw a temper tantrum to vent in public. I would give anything some days to melt down completely in Costco and it be acceptable because it is deemed age appropriate. Or maybe to tell someone I was never going to snuggle with them again because I was mad at them - only to have forgotten this and crawled into their lap five minutes later and happily nestled in close feeling safe and warm.
Ahhh - that's interesting. Seems, when I was younger I looked so forward to getting older BUT as I get older I wish I could regress. I might not be the first to feel this - but this is the first time I've felt it out loud*.
While I'm at it, I also wouldn't mind going back to a time when every little accomplishment was so huge - and there was always someone there to hike you up upon their shoulder and dance you around the living room because you made it all the way through nap time without an accident in your pants. And I miss Santa, but the Easter bunny always creeped me out - so did the tooth fairy. I always thought it was gross that she wanted my old teeth. What kind of person collects spent body parts? Yeuck.
Anyways, lately I think I've gotten my first inkling of what the old people meant when they said that youth was wasted on the young. The perfect person would be 100 on the inside and 20 on the outside - painfree and just past the pimple stage.
*(This being the out loud - though to be literal this is just an extension of my thinking self - and that means that all of you people are more or less.... in my head. See now - the headache is back...)
Thursday, August 31, 2006
I love Halloween. I dressed up all the way through highschool in elaborate all hallow's eve garb and went trick or treating. Now - not only do I get to dress myself -- but I also get to dress my short people. I have just completed the most incredible fairy princess costume that ever was - or will be. Now onto the Pirates of the Caribbean costume my son wants... me thinks I might be a pirate too.
Anyhoo - for those of you without kids here are some ideas for your dogs and stuff.... (thanks for the inspiration Amy)
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Survivor: Cook Islands- Thursday, September 14 at 8PM
Grey's Anatomy - Episode 3.01: Thursday September 21 at 9 PM
Desperate Housewives - Sunday September 24 at 9 pm (check out the website for a refresher on last season)
Lost - Wednesday, September 27 at 9 PM
The Bachelor: Rome - Monday October 2 at 9 PM (what the heck - might be funny)
Did I miss anything?
This one might have potential - but that's a tough timeslot!
Thursday, August 31 at 8:00 p.m. "Duets" (2-Hour Series Premiere)
Anyways - in the spirit you will note that I have posted two clips with Ellen Pompeo from Grey's (my absolute favorite show). I always sort of figured she was sweet like her character - boy was I mistaken. Oh well. Sucs when that happens though. (just like 90210)
Updated Fri. Aug. 25 2006 1:53 PM ET
CTV.ca News Staff
An IKEA catalogue with a photo that appears to show a dog with a larger-than-normal, human-like appendage has not been tampered with, according to the furniture giant's Canadian office.
The first photo in the 2007 catalogue -- a two-page, front-cover foldout -- shows a young family lounging on a bed with a dog.
The dog, which appears to be a greyhound or whippet, seems to have one distinctly human male characteristic, prompting some to suggest the image had been tampered with by a mischievous employee using a program such as Photoshop.
Ikea Canada says that's simply not the case.
"The picture has definitely not been tampered with," Debbie McDowell, corporate communications manager for the Swedish retailer's Canadian office told CTV.ca.
She said the photo was shot in Sweden, where the catalogues are put together.... continued here... (ps. thanks Victoria for bringing this to my attention!)
This is way better than the old penis in the palm tree Zoodles can of yesteryear... (I actually looked at this upsidedown once from where it was stored in what we called "the Ikea cupboard" in our family home. Coincidence?) It did really and truly look like a penis.
I also found the image of "sex" in the dust in the Disney movie Lion King - so I assure you it is there...it is blatantly there - there is no room for contention on this. Take my word for it. Or if you need to see for yourself - you unbeliever see below. Disney still acts like maybe it was just a coincidence but I have a feeling that someone got their ass canned over that...ha ha - get it - sort of a reference to the "can" above... (groan)