Monday, December 05, 2011

Spanx and My Inner Battle

So most of us like Spanx yes? I too liked them for the purposes of wearing them under bridesmaid dresses on occasion when thousands of pictures would be taken...

That is until my husband expressed his intense hate towards said underclothing. "Never Spanx - NEVER."

Not about mine mind you - since he has never seen me in them as I prefer to wear the types of pretty lace bits n pieces for my own resident prince charming. Not the spanx. Nothing sexy there. Those are really just for nights out where you might run into people from high school who you want to be jealous of you - or ex girlfriends of the hubby and so on. You get the picture. But as to appease my lovely hubby for many years I have ix nayed them.

Recently I have decided to order up some pantyhose from the spanx. They have a seam on the back and a control top and I had to have them. Anyone who has had babies appreciates the idea of a control top. Some who haven't appreciate the control top. It's a never too thin/too rich thing. It also hides panty lines.

Here's the kicker - getting into those goddamned things is almost as painful as childbirth AND if you stop part way to catch your breath - you will either bruise yourself or cut off circulation to your legs or both. Not only that but you need to do what I like to call the squat dance to hike them up so the crotch isn't mid-thigh.

The next issue is the having to pee after a few drinks - then you are a little drunk in a restaurant bathroom in 5 inch heels trying to squat dance without taking a swim in the toilet.

The last issue is - when you get home after looking particularly svelte all evening - your husband will want to "romance you". Let me assure you there is nothing sexy about getting stuck - and appearing as though you have an elastic tightly secured mid thigh. This is when the husband says again to make sure you listen, "No Spanx. Never Spanx. Ever."


4 comments:

Suniverse said...

I'm with your husband on this.

I refuse to wear control top anything because THIS IS MY SHAPE and also, they make my tummy hurt.

Plus, I pee all the time, so I'd have to either wear a diaper or get a catheter and neither one is very appealing.

[Here via GDRPempress.]

Elizabeth said...

I actually thought about writing to
Them about the possibility of selling catheterized spanx but this this little voice in my head kept begging me not to...

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