Sunday, September 13, 2009

I'm here and I can breathe... almost...

It's been quite the last couple of weeks. There are still several boxes here and there that need to be unpacked. Also a mountain of cardboard to be dealt with at some future date.

Moving is hard isn't it?

The kids swear that the Honey Nut Cheerios taste different. I'm inclined to believe them. Everything is familiar and slightly strange all at the same time here. I can only imagine what it must feel like for someone to move somewhere where everything is different. My heart goes out to them; even I struggle at times to understand some of the thicker accents here. Usually it is harder on the phone to understand but - at least it's the same language. I can't find Zoodles, but they do have Spagettio's - similar... but different. I think if I saw a Tim Horton's I might cry. Stupid, I know. I love it here - but I miss it there. The familiarity of it and the close proximity to friends. I know that time will make here feel more that way.

I suppose it doesn't help that Spartan is on the road. It's hard to settle into "our" new life when it's just me at the moment. Don't get me wrong; I know he has to (someone has to pay for the shoes!) but - I miss him. Like air. The feel of him beside me at night and the sound of his breathing. The smell of him. I keep sticking my face into his pillow and inhaling - at first I can smell him but then suddenly it fades - like I've inhaled the last bit of him that was there... only later on I can come back and do it allover again and I can detect that essence of him that lingers there - if only fleetingly. I didn't know...when you meet someone you love so much that every time they are gone from you it feels like a great big empty hole in your chest. It's what tells me unequivocally that I have never known love before and it is one of the most powerful things I have ever experienced. It's like a drug or something..

I have also never experienced such a powerful blow of jealously when I stumble across pictures from his life before me. It's alien to me. I hate that either of us ever had a past - if only I had known! It's funny how I would do anything to go back to when I was 16 - when I met my first boyfriend and have met Spartan then. But then I'm sure I wouldn't be who I am now or appreciate him and what we have the way that I do. Sometimes it's just hard to reconcile. He was a very kind husband; he gave me free reign to shred as I see fit. I have a level of guilt about that though. It feels small and petty... but then again it also feels kind of good. Like therapy. Maybe that's what I need; therapy! Or maybe I just need to feel that allover calm that I do the second he comes into a room.

I have to go make Spagettio's now. ;-) and maybe sniff the pillow....

6 comments:

Hullaballoo said...

You do sound lonely, honey. Sending hugs for your new life. xxx

Bruce said...

Change, it is the only thing in life that is constant. It is the paradox of life, in that we allways look for the place that is safe and secure, but in reality, it is out ability to adapt to any situation that makes us strong and safe, not hiding behind walls and hoping that nothing will ever happen.

Eventually, in 50 years or so....everything will be the same everywhere, and there won't be anymore change when going from one place to the next (sad).

Donn w/2 Ns said...

Almost heaven
west? Virginia!

I'm glad that you've gone and "done it" as Shania would say.
You'll get used to the accent and by Christmas you'll be a-talkin' like Jody Foster in Silence of the Lambs...except the locals will know that you're "town".

Kids are uber adaptable so don't you go worryin' none 'bout them.
HA!

It's nice being in that smelling the pillow stage..embrace it. It's only up from here-on-in.

Now don't you go changin' none ya hear!

Joe the Troll said...

Just checked in after a long hiatus. Congrats!!!

Ookami Snow said...

I have never heard of Zoodles before. What are they?

elizabeth said...

zoodles. little lovely shapes in tomato sauce. yum