Saturday, April 23, 2011

You really want to know what I think....

In Canada visiting family. While here I decided to check into a hotel nearby to free up room for other relatives with small(er) children. Also so I can use the gym...and yeah ok the spa. But mostly because I kick ass in the generosity dept ;-)
Anyways when I went to use the gym which is really really small -about the size of my walk in closet-and it isn't an Oprah closet before you ask... So I'm working away sculpting and such (that's what happens in the movie in my mind-in reality I thInk it just ensures I can still do up my jeans which is also nice...) when suddenly 3 adults and their tiny spawn enter the gym whereupon they ALL start playing. The kids were hanging on the pulldown bar and then they played on the elliptical and so on. The adults didn't do anything useful either. They just got in the way. What do I really think? Get out. I'm busting my ass here and in about 5 minutes I'm going to play "catch" the medicine ball with your three year old - and that will only end in tears. My other plan involves bowling overhand with both of your brats with them ending up somewhere in the hot tub cooking them into children stew. Yep. That's what I really think. The arcade is in the lobby you terds.
I gave up after about 20 minutes and cut my work out short. I spent the next hour wishing them ill-which I'm doing again right now....

So then this morning I went to breakfast and there was this family who was trying to break the Guinness record on carb inhalation and they are sitting right in front of me so I am totally staring. Can't help it they were fascinating. So this kid with them is about 7 and he is alternately
Opening his mouth for his mother to stuff waffles in and playing is ds. Evidently the battery died on his electronic device because he collapsed into a blubbering heap of loud tears. Know what his mommy did to make him feel better? She built him-and in mean built this would have challenged even the best architectural engineer- a waffle sandwich stuffed with at least 30 pieces of hot greasy bacon. Then she flattened it and handed it to him. So he stopped crying and in the most horrific way imaginable ate it all and ask for toast. I looked down at my plate of fruit and felt very proud... And I wrapped my bacon up in a napkin to hide myself more than anything. Plus I thought the kid might attack me for it when he was done eating his toast like the cookie monster. Jeez people. Why not just feed him a vat of lard and give him some ciggies? The gym is on the 2nd floor you terds... (see what I did there?)

Side note- this post was painstakingly typed out on my iPad folks-it took me forever. Hope you appreciate my efforts to tell you what I really think... Happy Easter!


Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Its strange that I just read another person's complaint about annoying children in a hotel / vacation environment. The little bastards seem to be everywhere! Having a workout cut short is always annoying, my condolences. They might start behaving themselves if it were legal to zap em with a stun gun every once in a while.

Freestyle said...

Watch my blog please?

Slyde said...

you went back to Canada for a visit?

but now you KNOW how much better it is here... make up your mind!

elizabeth said...

bettyzade- clearly children and vacation shouldn't try to mesh. Seriously to prove my point go to disney and take a look around... screaming children high on sugar and parents with high blood pressure looking defeated. Send em to sleep away camp! Much better! Where they learn to do useful things such as toilet paper other cabins and remove leaches.

freestyle - are you spam? ru?

slyde - dude - I'm so torn. But the birds in my dryer vent are american birds and so is donald trump so I'm not feeling the love at this very select moment. I know - but then there is justin beiber... so hmm. Maybe I could move to Ireland?