Tuesday, February 07, 2006

My Mother the Pyromaniac/Shoe Fetish Queen

My Mother has been known to be funny in the manner of the Bridget Jones' of the world - we all know that in my case the apple has not fallen far. She is gentle and kind had the skin of a 20 year old - trying to suck up so she doesn't get mad at the rest of this... LOL
This weekend was a particularly interesting example of BridgetJonesesque behavior;
She has all of these lovely scented candles that she occasionally lights and decided to do so (about 3,000 of them). At first I watched thinking I might witness her setting her hair ablaze but when the whole thing seemed to be progressing in a normal fashion - I glanced away. (I should know better). I look back seconds later to find my Mother banging her hand on the table and dancing in this odd panicky sort of fashion in manner of schizo attending a rave. An odd smell permeated the room (scented candle?) and she continued her spastic dance. (I wasn't entirely sure at this point if assistance was required or if she was listening to the only song on her new mp3 player again - another story that I find terribly amusing...) Moments later she collapsed in a heap on the couch beside me and let out a sigh of relief - and then turned to display the remnant of her previously perfectly manicured thumbnail that had only seconds before been on fire. Well. That explains everything doesn't it.
One of many lessons learned that evening and possible most important - Mother should not be allowed near any source of flame or heat.
Mother also finally decided to buy a pair of good walking shoes. She ended up with a fabulous pair of very in fashion Nike runners designed specifically for walking. 1 point for Mom. She admitted to me in a conspirational tone at the checkout that she had never paid more than 12 dollars for a pair of runners so this experience was akin to tiny coronary. At this point I my mind wandered back to the day I am quite positive that she displayed to me a pair of light-up-spike-heeled-jelly-shoes (yes I said light-up like that of small child's spider man runners) and there are several other dragqueenesqe fetish type sparkly shoes in this woman's wardrobe - THAT SHE PAID ACTUAL MONEY FOR. I figure that added up - this woman's shoe collection could have purchased a small country. In attempt to get what she paid for she put the shoes on and gleefully wore them for the next consecutive 48 hours - sleeping included. I thought she would weep when she had to take them off to dress up for work.
Lesson learned - Mother should not be allowed to shoe shop without my assistance. I change my mind and scratch that 1 previously awarded point- in light of attempts to right shoe collection I award Mother 10 points. Bravo Mum, Bravo.
Ah yes - almost forgot the MP3 player. Finally Mum decided that she must have one of these cute little contraptions so a shopping we went. Scored a fantastic deal on one and went home shoes and MP3 player in hand - everything one needs to become overnight fitness diva. But then came the many failed attempts to turn the thing on. Over the next hour or so she managed to master the turning it on part but then couldn't understand why it didn't come full of music. (!) Somehow she managed to find a song that had been previously recorded on the player. That techno dance song - Plastic or Barbie World (I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world - life in plastic... so fantastic...) You get the idea. Anyways, she proceeded to wear the thing on top volume and dance around the house with her potatoe sack - bleach stained house Frau dress and freakishly white runners. Not too hard to see why I didn't recognize when she had set herself aflame. Minus previously awareded 10 points. (Actually come to think of it - I have many a time thought of setting the dress on fire- so maybe somehow with the power of my mind I caused this event? Nah. But if I could have she would have also been wearing the light up shoes. HAHAHAHAHA. Ahem. HAHA. Hem. HA.)

Love you - oh beautiful and young looking svelte and hip Mommy.

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