Redneck Timeout...

Awesome. Wish I'd thought of it.

Funny story. The other day a bird pooped on my Mother's car window. My daughter was in the car.

My Mother said, "What a naughty birdie."

My daughter turned and said, "It was that bird right there."

My Mother said, "How do you know?"

She said, "I saw him wipe his bum."

Got meself a verrra lovely shirt from the GAP today.

Check it out!

Tres sexy - even more so because half of the money goes to a good cause! It is for this cause I will post a picture of my chest... I am sure that it will encourage someone out there to run right out and get one too. LOL. (I'm am such a tard...)

I was going to pretend that it wasn't happening but it doesn't seem to be working. The date of my birth approaches.

It seems this happens with increasing frequency. I'm sure I just had one of these dreaded things - but one must accept what one cannot change. BUT one can drink. So - ladies - what and where will we be drinking on Friday? I throw it out there for you to ponder. I know that I will be getting a wee bit loopy. I invite you to join me - or since I will be closer to you - I invite me to join you. Let us communicate by phone and nail down de particulars (like whose sink I'll be sleeping in...or under and what you guys want on the pizza). Jenn - as much as I would lurve the diva concert - I have already seen them and loved it. I need to squeeze in the maximum amount of alcohol... saavy? Maybe you can find us after? What say you?

And now for a little something odd.... that could be fun...I think I 'm coming back when I am drunk to do that. But I don't think I will for this one... it would make me vomit - it almost did that sober. But this, this I want.

Matchmaker matchmaker bring me a dream...it's that time again

Bachelor numero uno
This is Samson. Samson is a self made millionaire having invented dental floss. He is a Gemini and has more than two personalities at present (keeps the conversation flowing). An avid shell collector and wine aficionado, Samson looks forward to sharing his secrets of personal hygiene with you.



Bachelor number two
This is Machismo. He enjoys dinner parties and stupid human tricks. His past times include terrifying small children and apple carving. Machismo believes that the secrets of the universe are contained in an olive jar that he has kept in a shrine for the past 35 years. He owns a vast collection of strawberry shortcake figurines and limited edition serial killer cards. A perfect first date would consist of a leisurely stroll through some brambles and a quick vinegar bath.




Bachelor number three
This is Charles. He still lives at home with his Mom (although no one has seen her alive in over 20 years). Charles has recently started his own religion worshipping potatoes. He can teach you how to hear them speak the prophecy on your second or third date. Charles is intense and romantic. He is waiting for the perfect woman to "complete" his collection - ahem - um him. He means to complete HIM, right Charles? He has recently taken up hip hop dancing and would love to show you his skillz.

STOP LOOKING AT ME!

A few years ago, Carrie and I went to Canada's Wonderland. The night before some of our group were stupid enough - knowing we had to go on roller coasters the next day - to get really really hammered. The next day Carrie felt so bad that she didn't want to go anymore - but I was so excited that she felt guilty so we packed into the car (good friend). I then proceeded to make her go on every single roller coaster in the park.

After one particularly insane roller coaster, Carrie feels like she is going to be sick. I go with her behind this little building into this little area surrounded by trees. Carrie crouches down taking the "I'm going to hurl" stance and I assume the look out post. Then from behind me I hear Carrie yell "STOP LOOKING AT ME!", I turn and yell "I'm not looking at you!". Carrie whimpers, "Not you. Him." and points to a frog who is directly in front of her staring her in the face. I nearly peed my pants laughing. It was such a ridiculous vision.

Speaking of odd places to find a frog...another reason to wash your salad.

Goodtimes...

The Twister Goddess at work.

Okay, so the next few posts are for all the people in BC who pop in on occasion to see if they are featured my posts.... or to see if I am still retarded. (I am). The rest of you have to deal with it too since - you simply have no say in it. LOL.

These pictures are from Kamloops, the Sun Peaks resort in BC. The people are some of the most incredibly fun people on planet earth. They even have quarter bouncing talents and this is no small feat. (There is an action shot - that I took after several drinks - and managed to catch the quarter actually bouncing into the glass - also no small talent I assure you.)

This trip was my first attempt and - ahem - last attempt at the sport of snowboarding. Again, it is one of those things that I will just have to imagine somewhere in my head I am fabulous at - in reality I think next time I should stick to bartending and passing out Robacxiset (sp?). (Carrie, there is no need to tell everyone here how funny I looked bouncing on my head down the hill, okay?)

Funny airport story though. I was walking behind this little girl and she was all alone. She looked to be about 2 or 3. She was really tiny! To top it off she was dragging a suitcase as big as she was and didn't seem to be having an easy time of it. I turned to the man walking beside me and ask if she was his, he replied no. So I took it upon myself to go and see if she needed help. Upon catching up to her and seeing her face - IT WAS NOT A CHILD. At the time the words were already out..."Do you need help little.... (and then I said.... yes it's bad...) er.... woman?"
Shoot me now. It was a fricken midget. Highe Fivhe!

TWISTER!

The token adults. They protected us from things like starvation and...cars... alchohol poisoning. Oh yes, and they also watched the tiny people so that we could PARTY. Very awesome.

So now. See what happens when you drink too much? It all begins very innocently, a glass or two of wine with dinner. A slight warming feeling spreads through your person. People sit around the fire chatting, more wine is consumed. The odd hiccup may be heard from amongst the crowd. Then someone breaks out the Twister (or monkey sounds)and there's no looking back. After playing Twister (and drinking more wine) I thought it would be fun to pick up my best friends 230 pound 6'4 husband. (That is her standing behind us with a look of worry on her face). Sadly, I hurt myself more drunk tobogganing. That would be when we caught 4 feet of air and landed on a road. When a car was coming. (You retards!). I also got a great bit of roadrash.

After lots of beer the brother in laws got romantic... awwww. They lurves eachother.

I love this. It's bloody genius.

Took this picture while I was leaving for the airport at 4:00 am.

Ode to my BC friends.... (click the link for STUART)

I need a snooze, there was so much booze.

I cannot ski, oh sad sad me.

We had some beer and could not steer.

Downhill we goed across the road.

Been many places, made silly faces.

Stayed up too late it was our fate.

Until next time - I'll drink no wine --

Till summer's here - then have no fear.

(can you tell they are related?)

WTF!

Gives a new meaning to "boobjob". LMAO. WTF?

and then there is this. Couldn't someone throw some rocks in there, I mean come on. WTF?

Happy St. Valentine's Day

Using the language of the law courts for the rituals of courtly love, a "High Court of Love" was established in Paris on Valentine's Day in 1400. The court dealt with love contracts, betrayals, and violence against women. Judges were selected by women on the basis of a poetry reading.

The earliest surviving valentine dates from 1415. It is a poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife. At the time, the duke was being held in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt. It is probable that the various legends about St. Valentine were invented during this period.

Among these legends: On the evening before Valentine was to be martyred for being a Christian, he passed a love note to his jailer's daughter that read, "From your Valentine."

During a ban on marriages of Roman soldiers by the Emperor Claudius II, St. Valentine secretly helped arrange marriages.

The Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year behind Christmas. The association estimates that women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines.

All booked. My brother's upcoming nuptials are something I am looking forward to with great anticipation. Carrie (BC) is going to crash the wedding and the two of us will be the bartending geniuses that we were born to be. I plan on getting all of the guests just a wee bit smash-ed and then standing back to marvel at my handiwork (camera firmly planted in hand). Not that I won't be joining them - shot for shot and glass for glass. A one for you - two for me type of scenario. Should make for some fantastic blogging. Weddings always do - especially ones that involve an airplane and a location away from home. There is something most dangerous in being away from home for such events. Though - you may know or be related to many of the people there... there is the feeling that because you are away from home you may act in a way that you would not normally and it is somehow justified. The free flowing booze tends to encourage this type of behavior.

There is also the added danger of Carrie and I together - since anywhere we go always ends up being a part of what will, no doubt, comprise the majority of my (one day) memoirs. I do believe I have only touched the tip of the iceberg round here describing some of our more hilarious antics and the resulting side clutching laughter that inevitably ensues. (Most of it involving figure pointing.... at her, LOL). We are what ABFAB was before they got old(er).

Cheers. The countdown to the third weekend in May has begun.

Oh yeah, and I was doing the IQ test that Kat had posted and I found this on the website. It has the answers to the universe...no shit. Better than any fortune cooker ever.

You had me at hello.....

Another crazy Linda story. This appears to be a blog dedicated to the fun and foibles of another... but I promise I'll come back to make fun of myself soon. This is just too good to pass up...

Everyone at some point in their life has a "tag" line. A phrase delivered at an opportune moment that is like something out of a movie - some are witty enough or lucky enough to have many. It comes as no surprise that Linda has accomplished this feat within months of knowing her. I'm sure it will be a continuing theme in our friendship - in fact there might be new weekly feature; "Linda's weekly phrase".

Last week we were sitting in on a trial. The judge made an exception and allowed us to remain there, though it was usually a closed courtroom. He addressed our class in between items that came up on the docket and was very encouraging.

Now Linda, how do I put this.... is known for speaking her mind. She probably does this in her sleep more effectively than most. She likes to talk. It must have killed her to sit quietly for the entire morning while we were there. At one point when the judge addressed us it was to ascertain if in fact - we would be able to remain for the duration of what appeared to be a relatively long trial. Linda pipes up at this point and says, "You have ME until one o'clock." with a little smile. The courtroom is silent - all eyes back and forth between the judge and Linda, like a tennis match, mouths paused in little "o's". The judge shifts at the bench, blushes, clears his throat - giggles and proceeds to say, "I should hold you in contempt!". The courtroom explodes with laughter.

I believe that I might buy shirts for the class with that line on the front...the judges line on the back.

A girl named Linda...

Everyone has a crazy friend. As a matter of fact - I - am usually that friend. This girl, however, takes crazy to an entirely new level. Now I get some idea of what my friends usually go through around me.

The other day I was running late for school - seems like I am always running late these days. Well, Linda and I car pool and it was my turn to drive. We had to write an exam and when we got there there were no parking spaces in the student lot. Well, how I see it.... I pay to attend the school and they get paid to be there... so I can park where ever I want to. (Well.... that's how I'd like to see it anyways. LOL.) So Linda tells me just to park in faculty parking since we are late. I figured, what the hell? Everyone else does. So we did. THEN when we went to leave a faculty member had parked his car so that it very effectively blocked 8 other cars. We just happened to be one of them.

Linda marches her Latino butt right into the school and furnishes them with the license plate and demands that they page the prof to move (can you believe that?). Twenty minutes later this very proper English accented prof comes walking out and approaches my car window. We begin to have a conversation that is relatively civil (though I seem to be winning the very civil argument) until Linda gets pissed off at him for his high and mighty attitude. Then she very effectively steam rolls him into oblivion. I have not, in my entire life, witnessed anything so equally horrific and amusing. Eventually he gives up with a little shrug and stutter and moves his car.

The best bit was, when he backed into a parking spot.... he hit the fence rather hard with his car. I put on my sweetest smile and waved my thanks... but somehow I think perhaps I'd better keep my head down in the halls from now on.

Okay, so as most of you know I have started back at the gym again. The gym serves a dual purpose; it gets me into shape and... perhaps more importantly... gives me things to blog about.

Way back when I described my feeble attempts at running to all of you (Frankenstein). But for many reasons, I just kept really wanting to be able to. This has been going on for about a year. I guess I just hate not be able to do something. Period.

My friend Carrie (from BC) just started training for something out west called the Sun Run. She is my inspiration. She encouraged me to try again and this time not to expect myself to be able to just start running like a pro. Start out small and work your way up. Well... this makes perfect sense. Despite what I might describe as my inherent need for instant gratification when it comes to such things...I have been giving it a chance. Every day, I do my usual circuit and then venture upstairs to the track. Every other day I increase by two laps.

Yesterday I ran 1 K. That might not seem like much - but for someone who really thought they couldn't do something... I think that is pretty freakin fabulous. The idea is to get up to 5 k per day in the next 8-12 weeks. Once I get there I'll set a new and higher goal. For the first time in my life - I actually believe that I might be able to run! *teary eyes* What a proud day.

I feel like I can hear the Rocky victory music in my ears.... LOL. Maybe I ought to get that looked at...

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more wine.



13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Stink
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Strangely, I am not suffering from PMS and most of these are applicable. Perhaps this is just the female condition? LOL

I beleive it is time for a new post...

THIS isn't something you should look at if you get easily spooked by nature. I think that's where people who do special effects go to figure out how to scare the crap out of me.

THIS totally reminds me of a lawyer that was defending a man at the trial I sat in on last week. The lawyer was at least 400 pounds with a crazy moustache and he had long nails. He was freaky. I should have gotten a picture - might have put me in contempt - then again, might have been worth it. He was totally insane. Oh yeah - and my friend Linda hit on the judge... sort of. It was pretty funny. But that's..... another story...

Have a nice weekend.