Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I am in bug hell.

You heard me. HELL.

This week; a tick ON MY DAUGHTER and moments ago a centipede. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand they bite. I'm moving. Into a bubble. This is surely the most -the most- fearsome creature ever to enter my home, the house centipede. It is freaky and it is VILE. It also has waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many legs. Who needs 15 pairs + of legs. And they can run so freakin fast you have no idea - so can I - IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. They can run 50 cm a second. That's speedy. They have 40 eyes. OMG. Also - it appears they are flame retardant. Even immune to bleach and draino... (then again thrown from across the room if I actually hit it). Also seemingly impervious to being screamed at. Oh yeah - and you'd be surprised at how quickly they can move when partially dismembered. It kind of looks like a toupee running like hell across your floor. I did some reading and it appears if you have an allergic reaction to their venom you develop something akin to a goiter - for the rest of your life. Which would kind of make me paranoid - as though it laid eggs in you.

Oh - and speaking of which, if you ever decide to call Kat for moral support - She doesn't help. She ADDS to it by coming up with all of this random and hideous information to support your paranoia. Then she branches off into things like ticks tunnelling into your head and staying there - also a particularly fascinating recollection of someone she knew who had a GIANT maggot in their head. An African fly larvae. Soooo - I think Africa is out. Forever. Don't need to go there. Don't want to need to live in a padded cell for the rest of my life.

I think that I may have to purchase a hasmat suit for sleeping in. Anyone happen to have one I could borrow?

21 comments:

B.E. Earl said...

Bugs rule, girls drool!

(The only insects I loathe are of the stinging, flying variety)

elizabeth said...

Well these bite. Venom. That's kind of bad too - no?

I'd rather a bee anyday.

Real Live Lesbian said...

We've had a swarm of Gallynappers (aka Crane Flies) in the front yard for weeks now. You would HATE it here.

The worst thing I've ever seen bug-wise was on TV. A guy had been to South America and had a bug bite where the larvae was laid into his skin. He had to WAIT for it to develop then head to the pool to sit underwater for days until it decided to come out. OH MY GAWD! It was horrid.

There...there's you a sweet little nightmare for tonight! ;)

limpy99 said...

I was going to go with the "earwigs laying eggs in your ear" myth/nightmare, but there's no way I can compete with RLL's contribution there.

There is a fish in South America that can actually get lodged in a guy's penis, whereupon it deploys spikes and stays for awhile. But that's really not something you need to worry about.

elizabeth said...

rrl - we get those too - they look like mosqitoes on steroids

limpy - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_fish

that's pretty awful all the same...*shivers*

Paige Stanton said...

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! I swalled a bug the other day by accident, it was windy and it kinda just flew down my throat before I knew what happened. Yuck! Get an exterminator.

Paige Stanton said...

Sorry the above "swalled" should be swallowed

Böbø said...

A hasmat suit. Oh no, Elizabeth, really no. You'll sweat like ... like a very sweaty thing that sweats more than you can reasonably expect.

When I was in the (Territorial) Army {long time a go} we wore NBC Suits (Nuclear, Biological, Chemical) - colloquially called Noddy Suits. I'm not absolutely sure about how the Nuclear protection worked, what with them being made of weirdly processed paper.

Anyhow, with the Noddy Suit on and a gas mask over my face, I looked less like a soldier and more like an alien extra from Dr Who. But inside I was swimming in my own sweat.

Really, it was too icky. Stay with the bugs and some bug killing things.

lotus07 said...

While this isn't any real consolation, if it weren't for bugs, we couldn't survive on the planet. They are vital part of the echo system. So if you kill all of them.....we are screwed.

elizabeth said...

paige - mmm yum. You should go on fear factor. I did that once - I inhaled a wee fly. Kids thought it was the funniest thing they ever saw.

bobo- what am I to do...oh dear

lotus - fortunately for you - I don't think I CAN kill them all... besides which I don't mind butterflies and lady bugs. They can stay. Bees are alright too as long as they arent' the killer variety.

Slyde said...

dammit.. at first i thought that this post was all about bitching at bug eyed earl, and i was like "hells yeah!"...

i see i am once again alone in my quest to prove to the world how evil he is...

p.s. tell Kat to come back to the world of the blogger!

Tamara said...

Well I live in Africa, and I'm surprised that it's the bugs that have put you off - in Johannesburg it's usually the crime, corruption, AIDs and economic marginalisation that get to people. Then again, you haven't met our Parktown Prawn - cross between a cochroach and a queen prawn that emits a DISGUSTING fluid and smell if you squash it. Nice, hey? ;-)

elizabeth said...

Slyde - lol. I've been begging kat. She seems to have gone away. I have an abandonment issue now.

tamara - OK. THAT - that just sounds awful. I always wanted to see Africa. My dad used to go there all the time. But it IS the bugs. I know this isn't rational. Can't help it ;-). Maybe I'll come stay with you - have a bubble?

Joe the Troll said...

You really need to live at the North Pole.

sprinkle4 said...

Did you know that no matter where in the WORLD you are at any given moment, you are no more than 6 feet away from a spider? Cool,huh?

Sam said...

OMFG. I hate centipedes. They are fearsome and loathsome and I did NOT need to know all those little factoids about them. Even grosser!

KAYLEE said...

i hate bugs!!!!!!!!!

http://kaylee2.wordpress.com

Tamara said...

Elizabeth: Anytime, so long as you can put up with 2 hyperactive cats :-)

sprinkle4: Somehow I don't think Elizabeth will think that's cool. LOL!

Hullaballoo said...

"Like a toupee hurtling across your floor." Very, very funny lady, you make me giggle, Elizabeth.

elizabeth said...

joe - i would but I am senstive to cold. LOL.

sprinkle - um. Where's that bubble?

sam - you and I are in the same boat

kaylee - you can be in the boat too ;-)

Tamara - not problem... cats like to eat bugs right?

hullaballoo - glad to be of service m'lady... but it really does look like that *shiver!*

Callie said...

I am SO with you on the bug hate.

They all need to die.

Except ladybugs and butterflies. They can stay.

The others must leave. Now.