I should not be allowed out without supervision. Ever.

Yesterday, I drove by the tanning salon (on the way to the liquor store) and saw a "2 for 1" tanning sale on the way home. I thought, you know I wouldn't mind looking a little sun kissed for Kat's wedding so in I went.


"The spray on tan is instant - and two for one." she said.

"Sign me up!"

Ten minutes later I left feeling kind of rubbery - like I was coated in plastic - but without anymore color than when I went in. She assured me that within four short hours I would look like I just left Cuba.

A few hours later, feeling sort of tired I decided to lay my head down for a moment. I fell fast asleep and didn't wake up until 6 this morning. That amounts to allowing this spray on stuff to cook in for a total of 14 hours. From the hands down I appear to be of Spanish descent. (!) The rest of me looks good - sun kissed just as intended. Lucky for me this stuff fades fairly quickly.

Sigh. Back to the hand tan for me. This seems to be a recurring theme.

On top of that - this morning when I wandered downstairs to have my coffee and - gasp! - out of coffee beans. I would have gone back to bed and just given up but I had just slept for 10 hours (I know - crazy) and chances of sleeping again seemed slim to impossible. Also, I wanted to shower the plastic coating off... So (in my pajamas) I drove to Tim Horton's and made the handing over of the money lightening fast (SO as not to showcase the very odd looking pigment) and gulped down my coffee.

Sigh.

My Mother has completely gone off the deep end.

She presented me with a gift yesterday. It was a cook book. Seems fairly innocuous. But let me tell you what it is called;

COOKING in the nude FOR RED HOT LOVERS hot and spicy au fares for those who dare!

Sadly, no. I am not joking.

It has some sultry starters, and no joke one of the recipes is called "Romancing the Rib - Let's Mess Around"

EEK.

Michael Bublé - Everything

This goes with today's theme...

More pics from other shower...

Kat & Liz Antics....

What a loverly chapeau....lol.

Yes. A Facelift IS possible Without Surgery

Well folks, it is just short of two weeks until Kat's wedding. Today is the second Bridal Shower. (As I sit here I have managed to reverse aging with bobby pins alone. It is something to behold. Hope none of them go flying from my head at the speed of light and injure anyone at the party...)

Being very diligent - Kat and I finished all of her wedding favor cover pages last night, and though we consumed a huge amount of beer (and I am not a beer drinker) it appears we managed to match up the Misters and their respective wives correctly... though the haze of hangover could prove to provide an inaccurate accounting that we will not discover until the day of the nuptials themselves...

As for the wedding itself, I am looking so forward to this day! It is such a nice thing to see two of your friends get married - especially two who deserve happiness as much as these. They are so in love that after all of these years together, I still catch them glazing into eachothers eyes lovingly as though there was no other person on earth save them. When you are not in love with anyone and you see this, it gives you hope of what you may be lucky enough to find in this lifetime... and when you are in love, your heart is glad that your friends have found something so precious and wonderful. Either way it makes people around them happy.

(I am also looking forward to the drunken antics that will be sure to follow the dinner with all of my highschool friends. Not to worry bloggers - there will be plenty of pictures for all of you, I will make sure of it.)


Kat and Aaron;

"Some love lasts a lifetime. True love lasts forever." ~Unknown~

Here's to your forever together.

It's JerryTime: The Landlord

This is brilliant.

Sarah Mclachlan - I Love You

Love this song too...

My First Advice Column

People occasionally write to me for advice on various things or questions and I have finally decided to start a monthly column to keep up with them...

1. Funnygirl - when do you find the time to keep up this most excellent high quality blog?
Well, dear reader, I make the time because I love you all so much. Besides, half of my friends live in my other home 4,000 miles away and according to my stat counter, visit frequently so it's a good way to keep in touch. (Hello BC! I can seee you. Now comment godammit)


2. Where do you get your irresistible wit?
I steal it from the little blog elfs that live under my bed. Either that or I post when I am drunk ;-)... like now for instance...*hic*...


3. Dear Funny Girl -
I was just wondering if you are going to write a book? Because if so, i will preorder. I like you.
I don't want to brag or anything...but...I'm kind of a big deal. So I get that. I...erm...like you too. And yes, I am working on it. (and don't worry, you will all be forced to pre-order it if I get a publishing deal - also I may make you order a couple since you guys may be the only ones who buy it).

4. Hello, I heard that you were working on a novel or something (get out! Seriously? Word travels fast!) What I was wondering was, if you sign a book deal will you still talk to the little people? AND if they make your book into a movie who do you want to play the roles?
WTF! Will I still talk to the little people? Is that some kind of trick? *terror* Where are they???!!!
If they make my book into a movie, I think the main character should be played by someone glamorous liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike.... ho hum.... maybe Ashley Judd or uh....no wait.... maybe Oprah. Or Ru Paul. NO! It must be - without a doubt - Mary Anne from Gilligan's island (is she still living?).

5. What do you do for fun?
Pretty typical stuff really. I know you all think I live this glamorous jet setters lifestyle but... well okay actually I do. KIDDING. For fun? I put itching powder in the paper towel dispenser at the gym today, that was fun. I put chili in the toilets. Also fun. I threw M & M's at some guy on the exercise bike in front of me - that was fun until he started playing along by catching them in his mouth. (that was MY fun bicycle man, give it back... fun stealer...). This is also fun for me. So are your questions so keep em coming!

6. Why do you live in cold Canada? Why don't you move to the States and live with me and we can abolish the Bush administration? Yer perty. I LIKE you.

I am going to put this gently... YOU FREAK ME RIGHT THE *F* OUT DUDE. STOP IT. Or Badger will beat the living crap out of you along with Slyde and Earl. (They are my bloggyguards). No but really, it's weird. K? Weirder than a bath in Jello filled with suspended gummy worms while wearing a hat made out of tinfoil so that the little men can't hear your thoughts - got it? (Can you hear the music from Deliverance? Do dodododododoo) Excellent! Now go awaaay.

Stolen from spinning girl...

1. My favorite childhood toy was ...there was a sock monkey that I adored and also one of those horse heads on a broomstick - that I left on the lawn and the garbage man took away.

2. My favorite childhood game was ... poor ketchup all over yourself, emit a blood curdling scream and play dead on the front lawn until the babysitter wets herself...that was fun. GOOD TIMES.

3. The best movie I ever saw as a kid was ...Charlotte's Web or Bambi - both of which traumatized me. I also liked Baby. (dinosaur movie)

4. I don't do it much but I enjoy ...talking to old people. And baking. Painting...

5. If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself ...this one is tough... I dunno.

6. If it weren't too late I'd ...put exlax in the last coffee I gave him... and maybe feed him regular drinks of silver to dye him permanently blue... (kidding...kind of)

7. My favorite musical instrument is ...piano.

8. The amount of money I spend on treating myself to entertainment each month is ... varied.

9. If I could get anything for my inner artist, I'd buy him/her ...this is a good one... an entire room filled with photography equipment from different backgrounds to lighting to a super high tech digital camera that does tricks...and software to add effects and enhance them... that would be quite the room, LOL.

10. Taking time out for myself is ... imperative.

11. If I start dreaming ... I end up in the kingdom of Ickky Ickky Pataaang. (Inside joke)

12. I secretly enjoy reading ... EVERYTHING.

13. If I only could have grown up to be ... magazine columnist.

14. I wish I could make/write/grow/ create a ... fabulous novel that makes oodles of money long after the work is complete that would enable me to travel at a whim anywhere in the world and bring my special someone along so that we could span the globe playing pranks.

15. My parents think that I ...am amazing and clever. They think that I spent many years undervaluing myself. I think my PARENTS are amazing.

16. What makes me feel weird is ... the fur on peaches. Makes me shiver.

17. My most cheer-up music is ... Frank Sinatra...any show tunes.

18. My favorite way to dress is ... depends... I love to dress up in my loveliest clothes... but yoga clothes also hold a great appeal.

Thanks Spinning Girl!

OOOH - Look at that.... a bonus post...better than a drive by kelping...

Just had seriously good workout. Kind of workout that makes you wanna scream, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT WILLIS WAS TALKIN BOUT!" (yep, stole that). I ran (for a good 15 minutes - which for me is a lot since I am a neophyte runner), I ellipticaled (word?), I planked, I crunched. I AM Mrs. Spartan, or well on my way...also, I finally found someone who runs more like Frankenstein's monster than me!

While I was profusely sweating away (nice vision) on the elliptical, I was witness to the most incredibly ridiculous thing I have ever seen at the gym. This older man approached the treadmill. He had his stomach sucked in and his chest thrust out like he was trying to be the next Miss America. He got on the treadmill. At this point my eyebrow was raised in amusement but the fun had only just begun...

He started to run and he upped the speed very quickly. Too quickly. He was soon running for all he was worth - as though his very life depended on it (which at that point it kind of did). He was nearly off the end several times and seemed to be having a lot of difficulty getting up enough speed to slow the thing down. It was awesome. I was sooo torn between asking he needed help and wanting to see him biff. (It's so hard being me sometimes.)

Sadly, he waited to biff until he managed to catch up to the controls so when he shot off the end it wasn't fast enough to make him go down completely. It was still pretty funny. I actually think I clapped. I felt a rush of relief mixed with disappointment while this entire thing played out. The very nice thing was - by the time he was finished his display of superior athletic abilities my 30 min was up on the machine... and I had completed my lovely work out. Hoo aw and ickky ickky patang to me.

(Now, wouldn't a fun gag be to set all the treadmills to "super-lightening-fast" right out of the gate? Yes. I think so. Going to look into that immediately...)

AND NOW for some things that I believe...

1. Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to.

2. Rules of relationship - respect the other person. Work together as a team and build a set of common goals and values. Stand behind this person 110%. Don't forget to tell them that you love them every day, and take time out to be silly.

3. Do one kind thing everyday - as ittle as holding open the door for someone coming in behind you or calling a friend to tell them you were thinking about them - or saving the world. ;-)

4. Take a chance. Opening your heart to being hurt is the only way to let someone really love you. This is a tricky one.

5. Drink a lot of water.

6. Be realistic with your expectations of yourself. One person can only do so much and everyone makes mistakes. Admit your errors and endeavour to improve but acknowledge your successes and be your own biggest fan.

7. Send greeting cards in the mail. (the kind that requires stamps)

8. Find the positive. Surround yourself with positive people.

9. When you love someone, love them with all your heart. Make them feel treasured.

10. Dance in the rain. Jump in puddles and make fun of yourself more than others.

11. Laugh.

12. Make life an adventure. Take chances. Life is taken away from us without warning. No one is here forever so make the time count.

13. Forgive.

14. Send your mother flowers just because. It will mean more to her than you will ever know.

15. Say please and thank you. Often and mean it. (Especially to people in the service industry - they are taken for granted and work really hard.)

16. (something new....) When you cheers someone - look them in the eye & never pour yourself the last drop of wine. (*heart*)

17. Age is a state of mind. You can have huge responsibility and act like an adult most of the time. But, those times when you can act like a 6 year old should be taken advantage of, often and without restraint.

18. In those moments when you want to sell your children to gypsies, stop and remember the first time they smiled or told you that they "wuv woo" and... have a shot of tequila. They will grow up fast, the temper tantrums will fade away and all that will be left in their wake are some boxes filled with works of art, tiny clothes and memories. In their place will be a grown person who doesn't need you the same way, but always needs to know that you are there just in case - even if just in case doesn't come. (Did you send your mom those flowers yet?)

19. Be thankful to the universe (or whatever it is that you believe in) that you have the people in your life that you do. From your best friend right down to the crazy aunt who always brings out naked pictures of you at Easter. They all bring something special into your life. Don't forget to count your blessings, each and every one.

20. Eat chocolate. Often and with abandon.

Cat Power-Where Is My Love?

My Life Is Forever Changed...

In the past month I have broadened my food selections drastically; I now count salmon, shrimp and some other fish (please help but I can't remember the name of it) in my choice of edible items.

Then TODAY... I put peanut butter on baby carrots. It is delicious. I am a changed woman.

1. Black and White or Color; how do you prefer your movies?
I love movies period. Color or Black and White - even technicolor.

2. What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?
Erm. Religious fanatics conversing generally bore me to death. (Is there irony in that?)

3. MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music?
MP3s, CDs.

4. You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?
Hell no. That didn't even take a second to think about. There is nothing in the world that can come close to how happy I am to have the people I do in my life - and there's nothing I would take in exchange for them.

5. Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?
I simply cannot narrow that down to one thing. Perhaps terrorism, perhaps the fact that much of the world lives in poverty. That we allow other human beings to suffer to such an extent...

6. How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?
I don't even pretend to know.

7. You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be?
I've said before that nothing good can come from regret. I prefer to look forward, not backward. As long as I learn from my perceived mistakes they were not in vain. But if I had to pick ONE thing... well, I think I'll keep that one to myself. ;-)

8. You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be?
Only one hey? Perhaps 911, perhaps the birth of Hitler. I dunno. How do you choose one?

9. A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry” which do you choose?
The Opera. And I'd wear a damn fine dress with spectacular shoes...

10. What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve?
The Lindbergh baby. I'm not really convinced that this was ever solved.

11. One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal?
Famous author... I guess Steinbeck or Dr Seuss. I would serve steaks and mini wheats (oooh, or maybe Pillsbury crescent rolls with hot dogs in them?) respectively.

12. You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky - what's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact?
(What if I already knew that? Hmmm?) I don't know. I wouldn't do anything immoral.

13. If you could be anywhere in the world as you are answering this, where would that be?
Not so much a where but with a whom i should think. ;-)

Now - come on Earl, Slyde, Badger and Melanie. Meme it up... oh and anonymous... you too.

Here's to a place that is full of beauty,

...inventiveness...

...fun...

...oddities...

...and fabulous friendships...

Cheers to all of you!

"Can miles truly separate you from friends.... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there? ~Richard Bach"

(and see- it's not like they don't all know about the blog - yet still...they don't run when the camera comes out...you had to know this would show up on here.... muah hahahahahaaaa.)

"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown"

My life has daily comedic value that should be able to be bottled and sold on ebay.

Back to being the gym rat that I once was, I have been paying daily visits to the gym. Today I went EARLY in the morning and as such, I wasn't quite awake. I went about my usual routine but my normal stint on the elliptical turned into more of a challenge than usual; I ended up choking on my water and dropping my ipod twice. Then I decided that was enough of that. An elliptical requires more coordination than I could muster - especially in light of the fact that I had not yet had my large --- and very necessary - early morning COFFEE.

I moved onto the ab thingy - you know where you hold on and draw your knees up to your chest. This form of torture is delightful in the morning and thus far unparallelled in the work out world - unless you count the medicine ball walking lunges. Those can only be compared to childbirth. But sick as I am, I love it all. Anyhoo - I got off track (get it? Off track? Gym humour) So when I finished torturing myself with 3 sets then went away and came back for 3 more sets, I very politely reached for the cleaning solution to wipe down the equipment. The thing was (being tired) I kind of grabbed it and released the spray.... allover the guy working out at the next machine. I'm sure he thought it was some wacky attempt at hitting on him (which I absolutely was NOT)
At which point being me I say,
"Oh! Did I just spray you?" (Duhhhh)
He looks at me and grins... "That's okay."
Then I said, "Well.... erm....at least your clean." *big goofy smile* and then I started laughing. HARD. For some reason it struck me as absolutely hilarious, so then he started laughing at my laughing and then people started staring and snickering. Once I started snorting I had to excuse myself to the upstairs indoor track away from the people to recover. (okay maybe I didn't snort - but I did have to leave) (okay - maybe a little snort)

I must remind myself not to go again without my coffee first.

My Mother. The new white witch of the East has accosted me on a daily basis to try to "heal" me with herbs from her collection. She keeps making things up that might be wrong with me so that she can busily concoct an herbal solution. I'm trying to ward her off with my mental powers but thus far she seems impervious.

She got started one day when we went to a booksale. My mother and I being bibliophiles - we love book sales. This particular one was an entire warehouse and you could fill a box for a set price. *Weeeeeee*. She stumbled across some herbal remedy book that caught her eye - and thus began her journey into whitewitchdom.

Our entire greenhouse is filled with various drying plants gathered from hither and yon. She has only nearly poisoned herself once (that she admitted, but only because she wanted me to quickly draft a will...) and she seems to actually benefit from the various teas and such that she self-administers daily. Who'd have thunk it.

Now that she and my father are talking about buying a boat and sailing away - I can only imagine what she will pack for her journey (=one bathing suit and an entire suitcase full of ziplock bags containing dried plants that will likely get her arrested several times before they figure out that they aren't trafficking drugs). Then of course, she will go in search of rare herbs that only grow in one cave somewhere south of the equator - poisonous spiders be darned since she likely has a cure for that too.

Whatever will I do without this woman to entertain me?!

World smallest man

I know. You pictured it too. Think they will have more kids?

"We may run, walk, stumble, drive or fly, but let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow on the way."

Of course we all know that my preferred method of transportation involves a little bit of all of them... particularly the stumbling part, LOL ;-)