I think I have finally done it. I am so infused with alcohol that all that need happen to ignite drunkenness is - for a raindrop to fall and be absorbed into my person. I am even afraid to so much as shower...

This past week has certainly had some fun - some surprises - and a fair amount of drinking. For now you get this:

The Wedding Reception...

While it common knowledge that something will go wrong or be forgotten during the course of a wedding ceremony. Usually the flowers come in a shade ever so slightly off of the cream that the "bride to be" painstakingly selected - which usually results in the bride collapsing in a heap of sobs somewhere and ruining her $150.00 make-up job. This wedding was a little different....

The wedding itself is planned to be a relaxed affair, seeing as they got married in the Dominican in December. This one was just for the actual paperwork and to include all of the lovely people who couldn't join us before. The bride's parents purchased a motor home and since the wedding was in a park we decided that this was the perfect spot to get ready. We packed every hair pin in North America, brought all manner of hairdryers, curling irons and straighteners and headed out. When we got there... the generator was broken so we, uh, couldn't use our various bits of hair equipment. Okay. No emergency really. We made due. In fact I think we all turned out rather well considering....

While we were readying ourselves it may shock you to hear that we had a few beverages. So we were feeling mighty relaxed when the bride's mother in law comes around the corner and says that the Justice of the Peace requires the marriage license. The bride and I exchange glances. The bride runs away. The other girl in the wedding party and I collapse into two periwinkle blue heaps of laughter. Then we high fived and cracked another beverage. Eventually the bride tracked down the groom on his cell phone and I overheard;

"Honey? Could you go to London Drugs and grab some Tylenol

and...uhhhm... a marriage license?".

At that point we all collapsed again laughing, except the mother in law who I think was slightly stressed by this entire experience... but to deal with her stress she made 7,000 little sandwiches and force fed all of us - lovingly as we continued to get ready. Just about the time the groom was on his way the reception a torrential downpour occurred. Luckily enough it cleared up - the groom obtained the marriage license and we all managed to get down the aisle without stumbling and have an absolute blast.

So congrats to my delightful friends on their "mawage". I love you guys.

I am checking in quickly to report that I am currently somewhere in Oregon (by the haystack) and am very much into the rum and have managed to steal some internet access. I am sitting on the beach with Carrie and my adopted family-- and having the TIME OF MY LIFE!

I will post pictures once I get home. Lots of beautiful stuff around here.

This is place is heaven... wonder how long I can hold out moving to the west coast?

Hope you are all having fun where ever you are! I'll check in soon with stories of too much tequila (again) and the smallest - almost - shrimp cocktail on earth...

I woke up early this morning to the delightful sound of a cat making this guttural growl outside my window. When I say early - I mean 5:30 a.m., thus my ability to find time to allocate to the much neglected blog.



I miss you blog friends *sniff*. So I will torture you with some general ramblings;



I have been busy in the garden picking marvelous veggies (that I will not eat in this lifetime - but growing them is an entirely different thing) and raspberries (I WILL eat those at least). I am very excited to report that soon there will be five different kinds of ripe tomatoes for me to harvest. I haven't the slightest idea why this garden brings me such satisfaction. Free food. That might be part of it. Instead of going to the produce section I just skip out the back door. That definitely holds some of the appeal.



The other day my grandmother sent us some of her raspberries to eat. A little lesson in comparison; or a bit of senility kicking in. Though they were tiny - they were indeed tastey. So there my Mum and I sat having coffee and eating berries when I got rather a chuckle when my Mother, who was munching away on the same, stopped mid munch and began spitting and spazing only to have discovered a beetle in amongst the formerly unoffensive berries. Not just any beetle either I dare say. This particular beetle resembled what I can only describe as a mini-monstrous scarab beetle (though obviously not) that I have myself noted eating the raspberries and avoided like the plague. I think it is domestically referred to as a Japanese beetle, though the actual name or political correctness is a bit of a question at present. I must say as beetles go - it is rather pretty - in a horrid creepy crawly nightmarish way. But I digress...



After she danced about she forced the beetle from her mouth and into the sink much like a spittoon champion. For some reason things like this struck me as funny - and that deep down belly laughter began. Evidently I needed this particular fit of funny since it turned into one of those unstoppable episodes with tears rolling down my cheeks and arms clutching my sides. Eventually my Mother was persuaded to join in the laughing which only made me laugh harder. Though I cannot relate the events or perhaps I am unable to articulate them well enough to demonstrate why this was so amusing, I do hope it has at least made someone smirk. If not, I'll send you a beetle to feed to your Mother so that you too can fall down laughing. (But -bletch, what if they didn't notice it and kept chewing... actually - that might be funnier...unless it was poisonous...perhaps not such a good idea after all).



Anyways, happy Wednesday people. Which reminds me - I leave for BC in one week. Matter of fact, one week today I will be enroute to the airport to begin my adventure. I am filled up with anticipation of the trip and will revel in it for the time being. My only saddness; I miss one event my blogfriends are hosting and this makes me slightly pouty. But I'm sure they will survive without me and I will endeavour to have some kind of bbq (complete with fresh garden produce and raspberry beetle pie) upon my return.

This is a little on the side of normal but;

Someone referred to Brussel sprouts as faerie cabbages the other day and for some reason it makes me want to eat the horrid little things.

(BD - I thought of this when I was responding to the missing postman)

I am going to burn in hell. I read this in the paper a few weeks ago and choked from laughing so hard. It really isn't funny. (Okay. It really is.)

Blah blah blah

Right. Where to begin. There's been so many gosh darn things screaming for me to blog about them that I'm not sure where to start...

I was stopped at a light the other day and a man on a bicycle was attempting to do up his helmet strap on the side of the road. I glanced over and spotted him - and had to look again as something about it wasn't all together normal. When I looked back I had to seriously think about what was wrong with the picture in front of me. Then it dawned on me that the man was wearing a helmet about the size that a six year old would normally wear. Rather comical. Funnier still was that he was quite desperately trying to do up the chin strap...

stop and imagine this for a moment...

The strap wouldn't reach his chin - though not for lack of trying on his part. I watched and found myself kind of guffawing. He proceeded to do the strap up in his mouth - and clamp his teeth down upon it for extra safety. Then he - squished cheeks and all - rode off into the distance.

I think mayhaps it is too late for the helmet to be of any help to this poor chap.

When I was a child I remember playing in the backyard for hours in the summer. I remember thinking that my yard was as big as a Provincial Park when in fact, having returned to my childhood home the yard is rather small. We had all manner of fruit trees growing; apple, cherry, pear. plum and mulberry trees. The mulberry trees used to drop fruit all about the lawn and being children we often ran barefoot. Our feet were forever stained all shades of blue and purple. The sharp sweet taste of the mulberries takes me instantly back to being six years old running through the sprinkler with little blue feet.

Yesterday, I was in my backyard and on the ground I spotted a little purple berry. I reached down and picked it up - low and behold...a mulberry. I tentatively glanced around (wouldn’t want anyone to see me eat something off of the ground) and popped it into my mouth. I savoured the taste of childhood with my eyes closed and a warm breeze encircled me like an embrace. A little smile crept across my face and I glanced up... my own mulberry tree. Maybe being a grown up isn’t so bad all of time.

An email that speaks to me...

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my Income Tax Return.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.

Finally - A New Post

I have been remiss in my blogging duties as of late and for that I am truly sorry.... well kind of... anyways....

Frodo the Frog has escaped. It has been a month. I do not hold out any hope of finding the little fellow at this point. There is a good chance that there is a little beef jerky styled fire bellied toad
somewhere in my upstairs bathroom. I will miss Frodo.

Oh Frodo.

You were a toad
You liked to eat crickets,
liked your little abode

So I thought.

Till you escaped one night
and never came home
You’re not really that bright.

This I know.

So juicy and yummy
I had so many crickets
To fill your fired tummy.

But you left.

Now I have an empty home
sitting on a shelf
with no toad to call its own.

Goodbye Frodo.

Over and above that - a funny little story about a skunk. The other day our neighbour pops his head over the fence and in his Russian accent asks;
"Uhhh. You know anything ‘bout da skunk?"
"Um. I know they tend to be stinky from one end more than most. Why?" (turn to look)

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WTF?

Standing there is Frank - resplendent is his garden boots and hat displaying a cage and inside said cage a wee skunk. The skunk did not appear to be amused. Frank, on the other hand, appeared not only to be quite proud of himself for catching him but also rather smitten with the little fellow. He was sure that the skunk was also rather fond of him since it was accepting the odd table scrap from him (but failed to notice that the second it snatched the food it aimed it’s "stinky end" in Frank’s general direction)
"Frank, this might appear to be just a baby, but it can still spray."
"You think?"
(then in the background from his wife... "OF COURSE IT CAN SPRAY. IDIOT. IT’S A GUNK. GUNK’S SPRAY - SWAT THEY DO....idiot.")
Frank turns and grins, "She crazy. Thyroid."
Umhummm. Not YOU that’s crazy Frank. That’s obvious.
***
This was several days ago. The area around our house smells like a "GUNK" exploded but Frank insists it wasn’t HIS skunk - it was someone elses’. Riiiiight. I also overheard him explaining to Mary that he intended to keep the GUNK as a pet. This should be interesting.

"The baby will love - CAUSE I LOVE IT!"

How not to hide. LOL.

So - here are some pictures of what I got to eat over the last few days.... I mean look at - hehehe.

And it actually snowed.

Don't worry - she didn't fall (far).

The adventures of Liz and Carrie continue...

What a fun trip. This was one of the most incredibly beautiful places on earth (see for yourself). The first day I got there my friend and I stayed in Calgary for the night at the Fairmont Palliser. This place is heaven. I endeavour to make enough money to live there a few months out of every year. It was absolutely fabulous. We went out for a fantastic

dinner and I ate enough to nearly burst - a must for every vacation - and drank enough wine that we had to stumble back to our nightly abode.

The second day found us on our way to Banff for the day...us three giggling pals gallivanted around a little park looking for bears but only found picket pups. I learned to speak with them and despite many failed attempts continued to try to catch one for a good hour (this entertained both of my friends... as well as the picket pups...). I also entertained the other tourists by wearing "antennae" made of blades of grass.

Everywhere was like a picture post card.

I'm BaaAAaack....

...very shortly I will fill you up with all of the stories of the shenanigans that resulted from my most recent trip.

But for now... I will tell you that, I learned to speak "ELK" and be at one with the picket pups. I also did a fair amount of drinking and fondue eating. (I am paying for both). I also visited the holy Lulu in Ban'f''f' and enjoyed my plane ride home (THAT is a whole story unto itself) sporting my "sporting" clothing and feeling very cool. I also ate way too much and will now have to dine on only lettuce and water for a few weeks (so that the Lulu still fits, lol).

I am packing away suitcases full of shoes for my trip westward. I don't know why it is but - when I go on vacation I have to bring an entire suitcase of shoes. Surely this isn't a normal thing to do? I could be on an island starving and someone could offer me food or really nice shoes...I'd have to pick the shoes hands down. I'm sure there's a name for this disorder.

So the next few days will be a whirlwind of greatly anticipated events (most of which will include some really tasty beverages of the alcoholic variety). I'm sure there will be some photographs following these events that I will post right here *pat pat* on my loverly blog. My big brother will get married to the most incredible woman ever - way to go bro - and fun will be had by all.

This has been quite the year folks... and as of the beginning of May-- I am one year out of my old life. Now I actually get to decide for myself what my life will consist of - and not to get to deep there people my new life will consist mostly of shoes, ill mannered pets, wonderful friends, a new job and some tequila. It is a life like no other and I am glad it is mine.

Thanks for putting up with me!

When Will I Learn

Okay. Some things are just not a good idea. For instance: Tandoori Sizzler Doritos.

Imagine, if you will, a Doritos style chip but lightly coated with crushed mealy worms, maybe a light dusting of some sparrow vomit for good measure. Okay, maybe not. But just about as horrific an experience. Maybe a bit worse. I implore you - do not venture forth thinking you are feeling adventurous and pick yourself up a bag; you may wish you were dead as a result. (aaaand, if YOU don't wish you were dead - anyone nearby that smells your breath may help you out in that department).

Other bad food ideas:

Pastry stuffed with sewage.
Roast porcupine (with quills) with a hint of eucalyptus oil.
Battered deep fried cockroaches with a side of lime.

And someone gets paid for this people. I need a new line of work...

A bit more of the story...

It's always interesting to run into people from highschool (some of whom you wish you could have run into with your car). Better yet - it's funny to run into the "mean girl" and see that she is no longer a goddess. Not only is she no longer a goddess - but she has four children who resemble terrorists. On this particular day - in the boutique de Wallmart - when I ran into my arch nemesis from highschool my two normally busy and sometimes misbehaved children were absolute angels. I may have promised my soul to the devil in exchange for this one moment - and I don't regret it for an instant.

Not only did she look about 50 years older than she should have, but her previously long luxurious light blonde hair was now blunt cut, greasy and a mouse brown. I take such pleasure in being petty. To make my day feel even more of a triumph - I just happened to be wearing a very flattering outfit and having a fabulous hair day. I was all sparkly and... strangely managed to escape the house without a single cheerio or gummy bear affixed to my person. A good day - a great day. The planets aligned. Not only did all of those hours on the elliptical pay off in that moment - but somehow I managed to get over all of the nasty things this girl did and even manage to find an ounce of pity to bestow upon her (albeit in a very condescending fashion, lol).

Just remember girls; if you're mean to someone in Girl Guides - maybe not today - maybe not tomorrow - but someday what goes around comes back around. SHABAM.

WTF???!!!!

Life's Like That

So the short people have been vomiting. I actually found myself at three a.m. cleaning vomit out of my 5 year old son's ear. In all my visions of mommy-hood I can definitely say that without a doubt this didn't factor in. Poor little tot. The most heartbreaking of moments came when it was time to slip back into the recently de-puked bed and go back to sleep - the holy teddy had a throw-up encrusted head. Again...not nice. So with much coaxing and soothing I managed to get him to accept 50 other stuffed stand in's while teddy was given an impromptu romp in the washing machine. Now he smells like Downy - and this is so, so much better. I - on the other hand - am quite sure that no matter how many showers I have I will forever forth smell of sick. Sure of it.

I am a Snapdragon What Flower Are You?

"Mischief is your middle name, but your first is friend. You are quite the prankster that loves to make other people laugh."