My brother was in Turkey for turkey day - and evidently they don't eat turkey there. To my way of thinking that is so very very wrong. I would have saved him some of the feast - but it was too good and I was too hungry.

May I take this moment to say that I think pumpkin pie is yucky. I think it is uber yucky. No one should smash up a veggie and put it in a pie crust, top it with whipped cream and say "dessert". Wrong. Not like deep fried turkey wrong - but sneaky wrong. I know it's not really normal to do that. Just like people shouldn't eat zuccini bread as desert. Nope, that should count as a full on serving of veggie.

and now for a little giggle...

Redneck Thanksgiving
You Might Be A Redneck If:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. (check)
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings. (tempted)
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat. (this has happened to me, but not my pet or my house - but I was there)
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop. (that reminds me of a story...)
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup. (that kicks ass)
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. (THIS - I must have)
Your secret family recipe is illegal.

Sorry my computer was broken...

But I'm back now.

Some tidbits for you...

Last night something - raccoons?- ate my precious fish. None but scales left of them now. Take a moment of silence please - these fish were painstakingly kept alive for years. Now they are digesting inside of some furry little creature.

While my fish were being murdered, I was at Carrie's house giving her a birthday present and celebrating her big 30 with a few cocktails. We were a wee bit giddy and I convinced Carrie and Patrick that it was a good idea to call his neighbour using the Howard Stern soundboard. It was good times. I, not surprisingly, took the computer and Carrie dialed the phone. From there, Patrick and Carrie took their posts - curled up on the floor clutching their guts with laughter. Who knew that being so juvenile could be so much fun?

If you haven't attempted this, I urge you to do it tonight. As I said to the two of them, you will be so glad you did. Then you have to come back here and let us know how it went. By the way, no one should be safe, parents are good victims too but I would suggest the Mr Rogers soundboard for them (especially if they have a cat). Some of you remember when I did that to my father - and those of you who know him know just how funny that was...

....and now a wee contest...
Going to Whistler in 10 days. It is for a stagette for the girl who posts as Carrie in BC. I need ideas to embarrass my friend. If anyone has some - please let me know. The more embarrassing the better! You can email these to me, if I use your idea - you will receive a free funnygirlfromcanada magnet. Because, who doesn't want one of those? Make sure to include your mailing address in the email so that if you win I can send you your prize.

Last week was fun, took my cat to the vet to cut her fingers off. Well - that and have her dewormed and de-earmited and given a rabies shot. Yes, I know. It's cruel. I only did it because she has been living in a cage for over a year at a shelter and doesn't seem to want to stop destroying my wool throw rugs - and any other furniture that crosses her cute little path. She's a scratchaholic and I can't seem to retrain her - so I took the next natural step and had her tortured. Poor little poppet. I did, at least secure painkillers for her to take for the next week or so. She doesn't even seem to know that anything happened to her, cats are so stoic. Anyhoo - she did her part at getting me back, during the car ride home she peed on my lap. Nice. Guess I deserved it. I have a history with cats doing that to me. Back in highschool, I found a stray and decided to take it to school in the hopes that someone would adopt it. Since I was riding the bus, I tucked the little monkey into my backpack and was holding it on my lap. Suddenly a warm sensation indicated that perhaps I should have left the cat at home. I called my mother from school and ask that she bring me a change of clothes. When she stopped laughing, she did. Thank god. Long story shortened - kept the cat in the drama room and someone finally said they would take it. Woo hoo.

Well - hope you all enjoy Thanksgiving (in Canada) and otherwise just have a nice weekend!

Old post

Totally cheating here - this is a post from last year, but it was funny and you guys all weren't hanging around here back then so I thought I'd bring it back to life. A commemorative (sp?) issue - if you will. Enjoy!

The Invention of the Snorkle
I was watching Liv (dear friends daughter) running around with a snorkle in her mouth pretending to be an elephant yesterday and it got me to thinking...(uho). Do you think whoever invented the snorkle did so because they were watching an elephant swimming around and thought - gee, if I had a tube like that I could breath underwater too? Because, if you ever really LOOK at a snorkle - it really does look like an elephant's trunk - except the part that is the end of the elephant nose is the part that we put in our mouth (kind of gross when thought of that way but terribly effective all in all). So now I am going to google this and enlighten you with the results. First off I have discovered my inability to spell - that would be SNORKEL - for all you superior spelling wizards out there (and I would have fixed it but it was kind of funny)... and then I found this... (I soooo want one of these - Happy 30 soon - what a perfect gift to awe me with) Then I found this and promptly stopped looking... you will see why... And so I have learned that googling the most innocent of things is never really safe even though at first - I really thought someone invented a snorkle for a cat and I was intrigued (naive maybe?) anyhoo...What I never found out was who invented the frickin snorkel or how they came up with it. So I have used my powers of deductive reasoning to decide that there is a very good possibility that they came up with this idea while watching an elephant. From this day forward that is what I will choose to beleive. There you have it. End of story. (But please share any ideas you have - unless it is along the lines of that last - shudder - search).

I'm either sleep deprived or...

someone is putting something funny in the coffee...

Let me splain'...

Yesterday, I was sitting outside having my coffee break in a little seating area across from the courthouse. I glance across the street and see a woman walking down the street in a French maid's costume. I lunge for the phone and check the date - nope - not Halloween. What the? And before you boys get too excited, she easily weighed in at around 340. And the skirt was very short. More power to her though - she was damn proud of her overly generous physique. But - as some of you who know me have already figured out - it took every fiber of my being not to ask her the reason for this unusual garb.

So, she walks on and eventually disappears around the corner and slowly the conversation at nearby tables recommences. I start to think perhaps I only imagined it and make myself a mental not to stop using sweetener - BUT THEN - a man comes a strollin around the corner heading north, who is walking on a 90 degree angle with his head pointed towards the courthouse- from the waist. I think, "Wow, that's weird.", but then feel utterly ashamed of myself for thinking that of someone who obviously suffers from some heinous disease. (But of course, I keep staring at him). Then he reaches the next corner aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand - what I attempt to do next is going to come nowhere near giving you the just of it with mere words, but committed blogmaster that I am, I go forward nonetheless - the man turns slowly and slowly all the way around to face South. While he does this, he manages somehow to bend his body back in the direction it was facing - towards the courthouse - while his person is in fact heading in the opposite direction. (anyone follow that?) believe me, in my head I'm going "How the hell am I going to blog this? Surely I must - but how?".

Hope you get a vague impression of just how odd my day was. I think I am living in purgatory. I actually had nightmares.

I thought I was having a shitty day...

.... until I saw this.

Bachelor # 1 This is Biff. He likes long walks in the forest and getting involved in arm wrestling competitions (he cheers). An avid hunter and taxidermist this Pisces wants to rock your world. Our Biff wants to rescue you from the mundane.
Bachelor #2 - This is Jeremy. Jeremy is very detail oriented. He believes granola holds the secrets of the universe. This Cancer loves to Tango (naked). He currently holds a record breaking ant farm that takes up an entire basement and is currently perfecting a breeding program for earth worms. He feels they should be a protected species.
Bachelor #3 This is Chuck. Chuck is a rocker and wants to be the next Michael Jackson. He wants you to look past his handsome exterior to see the stud beneath. Chuck is learning to speak Spanish. He believes re is Casanova reincarnate. Chuck has recently decided to tell David Hasselhoff that he is his true father. Good luck Chuck!

Ba

Christmas Part Deux

Cute soap,huh? When you use it up - there's a skeleton inside! That's so creepy. Love it.
Twister bed. Yeah, I went there.
If I'm going to golf, I'm only do it with this golf ball. I want, like 20 of these. How annoying is that?

Man dancing

Now... why didnt I think of that?

A quick post to welcome Badger back to the blogger world - I have found you a profile picture and know your sense of humour enough to know you might appreciate this...


And a little work story:
Tell me I'm not a team player. Yesterday I am helping a client, who needs her American passport and birth certificate to apply for an extension to remain in the country. Her former friends that moved into her old apartment told her that they threw them out - because they had a disagreement. This is illegal so we are going to have her press charges. Anyhoo - just to verify that the documents are not where she left them I call in a police escort to the residence to search. Unfortunately the people had moved out a month ago so I will have to try to do some detective work to track them down. Luckily the people who moved in were very understanding and directed us to the basement, where a room was filled with stuff from the previous tenants.

Talk about Itchy Bitchy spiders people. Anything that was left was in the damp recesses of a horrid basement filled with refuse, some of which formerly belonged to our client was filled with every creepy crawly known to man. While the (very cute*) cop held a maglite, I donned rubber gloves and in a fashion only comparable to a CSI episode started sifting through this stuff - alas no documents. But any of you know my position on spiders will know how hard that was for me to do. I still feel like things are crawling on me, even after I showered 3 times and sprayed "Off" on myself (just in case).

So now - off to the American Consulate in Toronto on Tuesday morning to try to get these replaced. I'm sure that will be another adventure. Toronto always is...

* oh yeah, cute cop was called to a dispute of mass proportions just down the street, since the tenants were being co-operative, he asked if it would be okay to leave us to it. I told him that was fine and thanked him. Then he told me to hang onto the flashlight - I said, "However, will I get it back to you?" (using my very best Scarlett impersonation and a few batts of the eyelashes for effect), and he presented me with his phone number and email. All in a hard days work people.

- Seriously though - I think he just figured I needed it more than he did. But it was nice of him none the less.

Have a wonderful weekend people

- and as a postscript - what the hell happened to Grey's Anatomy??!! They showed the second episode first. Damn them all to hell. Now I'm mad. The season opener was fraught with the Plague and featured our darling Izzy crying on the floor in her prom dress. It was smashing! It had a bit more oomph than the second episode (that they showed first) and as I see it - I think someone out there should send us (me) McDreamy to personally apologize. In lieu of McDreamy, Alex or George will suffice - or even Dr. Mark if he's wearing that towel...

A couple of tidbits....

1. Jackass Two is coming out - will this be a rental or a go to? Please advise. Keep in mind my fear of midgets. Do you think they will look less midget like on the big screen or just like really big midgets?

2. Yippee it's Thursday - this means good TV. What snacks should I get on the way home for good TV? Feedback people.

3. Where the hell did Badger go?


4. Should I "Kill with kindness", or "Kick the bottom" of a co-worker - who is a complete and utter wench (but she has great smelling hair, at least she's got that going for her... and she's not stupid so there's that, and I suppose she is pretty, and she dresses really well - but she's mean to me for no reason that I can surmise) I think kindness. But thus far it has not worked for me. (insert mental image of me pouting here)

5. Is it a sign of mental illness that I am overly fond of statistics? 28% of people think so.

6. Why do men, on the highway IN A CAR try to pick you up on the drive to work? Unless you think I can telepathically send you my phone number, there is little chance of further communications. And even if I could - it is likely that I wouldn't give you the phone number - since boys are dumb. Especially ones who talk on cell phones and try to pick women up on the highway.

7. Lastly, is it bad that my daughter sings "Itchy Bitchy Spider" instead of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and I have started doing it too? Wrong message?

borat

aaaand... they actually sing along. I think I saw Mel Gibson in there somewhere.

My Christmas List Part 1

Here are a few things I will be asking Santa to bring me...

1. I want blue water. Because that's fricken cool. It's an LED light - I would always brush my teeth in the dark. But - I'd need one for the shower too - and the toilet.

2. A mini cactus that I can carry on my keychain. Because that would be really neat and I might actually be able to keep it alive. Be better if it could talk though - or at least burp.

3. Both of these. Everyone should have a urinal and a toilet. This would get more comments than the trout in the tub for sure.

4. Him.

5. This shirt. It is actually sound sensitive.

6. Then I'd have to get these to match. (Okay, scratch those two... I fear even I, could not make this cool)

7. Aren't these just so me? I could fix things - and match all at the same time. Only, I'd have to change a few times throughout a project to accomplish this. Still, these are a must.

There will be more later - I just wanted to throw a few ideas out there.

Silent Auctions

I have learned something about myself this week.... I should never attend silent auctions. I am now the proud new owner of a baseball signed by Tony Fernandez. For some reason I simply HAD TO HAVE THIS. At least the money went to charity... who is Tony Fernandez anyways?

Monty Python - Crunchy frog

As per Cheezy's comment - here is the frog sketch. (I've never seen this one!)

So, I was sitting here thinking about the odd things people eat. Like chocolate covered ants, for instance. Then I googled it - just for fun and found this site.

There are some people who may be getting some of this for Christmas. I particularly like the chocolate covered scorpions and the salt and vinegar crickets. (Who thought that idea up?)
The monkey tea actually sounds kind of fun. I might try it just so I can tell people I had tea that was picked by specially trained monkeys. Or perhaps the coffee bean that are "regurgitated by weasels". That might even start a bizarre trend. If I was famous - I'd use my fame to mess with people. I'd seriously drink "regurgitated by weasels" coffee and try to make everyone do it too. I'd make it cool.

I'll leave you with some food for thought...

My next dinner party will include the following; Oyster and strawberry milkshakes, marshmallow and spam fried sandwiches, jello sushi and -- for dessert... I'll have to include some of those gross insects from the site above.

Who wants to come?

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

the post with the Mister Rogers soundboard. That was the one I used to crank call my Dad - with hilarious results. This was on you tube... brought back memories...

Only In Kenya.... Live!

I went grocery shopping with my Mom and my daughter the other day. When we left the store, a wasp started attacking my daughter. So I started pushing her really fast (in a shopping cart) to escape. It would be seemingly gone only to reappear again shortly after. I am deathly afraid of them so this entire experience was a little upsetting. It went on for quite a while (about 4 turns around the parking lot) before I seemed to be rid of it and could unbuckle my daughter and get her into the car. The drive home was uneventful and nothing was said.

Then, today I was talking to my Mom and brought up the wasp incident at the grocery store. She didn't know what I was talking about.
I said "You know, last week at Costco with the baby---- remember?---- and I went running around the parking lot like a lunatic?"
Then recognition washes over my Mother's face followed by laughter - hysterical laughter. She apparently didn't know there was a wasp. Her eyesight is awful anyways and a wasp is pretty small. She just remembered thinking to herself, "Boy she's acting peculiar today.".

Then it occurred to me that there were probably 400 people in that parking lot - none of them close enough to see the wasp. I must have looked like a lunatic to everyone.

9-11 Tribute

It felt like the world stood still that day. With thoughts and prayers to all of the people affected that day - and all of the days since - because of this tragedy. I am amazed at how strong people are.