Monday, April 17, 2006

A Little Something I've Been Working On....

This is part of something I've been playing at and thought some might enjoy the read. It is not entirely taken from my life - as some might suspect. Just be warned that the word breast and breastfeeding may be mentioned. If either make you uncomfortable - go away now and come back tomorrow...

By: Elizabeth S. Frank
CHAPTER ONE - NO ONE TOLD ME

Journal Entry
Tuesday, February the ummmm 7th 2006. 1:38 pm
They are asleep. No one actually told me ahead of time that the absolutely best part of motherhood was when they go down for a nap. My once orderly realm has been taken over by very short little persons who speak gibberish, often produce hideous smells and reek havoc wherever they go. Don’t get me wrong - I love them to pieces and they are precious and lovely but I have thought of selling them to gypsies about 500 times since breakfast. (Which for me consisted of 3 stale Cheerios that I dug out of the couch and a coffee with a bucket of Hazelnut flavored coffee creamer - definitely low fat since I am still starving hence the large bowl of instant Thai noodles and the chocolate pudding - no doubt very healthful - I scarfed down in 30 seconds flat while wrestling with my daughter Caroline forcing her to eat her lunch.) Finally mutually agreed on two fruit leathers, one bite of pasta and a lovely warm bottle of milk. That covers at least ½ of a food group. OOOOOH the guilt of Motherhood, very dreadful feeling that somehow later in life I will be blamed for her being a picky eater. Very unfair due to great extents gone to - and acrobatic displays attempted to get her to eat a normal meal. At one point was quite sure I would succumb to worst nightmare and become Granola eating earth mother with a 7 year old breastfeeding since - partly out of guilt that she wouldn’t eat much in the way of real food and partly because the child could throw a tantrum that would outdo even Caligula. I breastfed her for what - like - 30 years. Breastfeeding actually seems like much longer in “real time” since you really never get to sleep. Secondly - if it was my fault that she is so terribly picky then I am as equally responsible for my son William’s ability to eat absolutely anything - including what may have very well been ants. Therefore by my calculations I am somewhere in the middle of mother of the year and total loser at being parent. Ah well, must accept one cannot excel at absolutely everything.
Off I go to shower very quickly and efficiently - as in all other things. Right. Then will attempt to conquer the very large and growing pile of laundry that has taken over my life as of 4 years ago … and I‘m pretty sure it burped at me the last time I walked by it.

Tuesday, February 7th at 2.17 pm
Aliens have landed and replaced my tiny sleeping angels with shrieking lunatics that are running a circle pattern into the carpet of the living room. I understand how crop circles are made now - toddlers on sugar highs loosed in farmers fields to “tire themselves out”. They never really get tired though do they - they just have that affect on the people in charge of watching them. (though why the term “watching them” even exists I don’t understand since that implies that you just sit and observe them from a safe distance - )
Fun game would be to dress toddlers up in Velcro and toss them at Velcro wall. That may be the only way to stop them from moving long enough to pee by oneself. But then one would also need said wall to be in sound proof room. How much do you think that would cost? Going to start calling builders directly.
Right well, first builder hung up before I could finish mumbling something about calling child services and second one quoted me $175,000.00. That might be a bit steep but might call the bank anyways just to see about possibility of borrowing said amount.

Looks like this addition might have to wait…

8 comments:

Elizabeth McClung said...

A friend of mine has...uh...unusual childrearing habits: for one she breast feed her boy until he was almost 4. Also, she used to lie in bed with him and instead of reading him a story at age 7, they would watch an episode of Sex and the City together before he went to sleep.

As for the "Velcro Wall" - my parents used to have something called "The jolly jumper" which was basically: hanging up a kid and having them jump endlessly to nowhere until they go unconscious - maybe this could be usefull to you?

There is this book I will try to dig out called "lesbian identities" which had this long piece from a single lesbian mother who had wonderful ideals until her "demon" girl child came out and she turned into a total "bad" mother - one memorable scene included her calling child services to ask them advice on how she could stop shaking her child and they go, "you're not suppose to shake a child", "I know," she tells them, "But she gets me sooo angry." Total silence on the other end of the phone. Oops, too honest.

elizabeth said...

That's awesome. Jolly Jumpers are great things... wonder if I can work that in to the story somehow... I never really used these with my kids. I was always afraid they would get out of control and start bouncing into walls or something....
Yeah - I dunno. Breastfeeding is great and all but.... by the time the kid can talk and drink from a cup - it has to stop. Then it is all about the Mom and not so much about a benefit to the child.

elizabeth said...

If you ever watched Deperate Housewives - there was a fantastic episode with this woman who got a job at Lynettes office and breastfed her kid - a 4 or 5 year old - and it was so funny. Lynette gets him hooked on Chocolate Milk and the Mom has a breakdown since she had been using it for weight control...

elizabeth said...

Also - just wanted to point out that my profile has been hit 435 times as of right now. I imagine this post (with the word breast and so on) will generate some serious hits. Let us wait and see...how many perverts are watching?

Elizabeth McClung said...

Yeah, you want to really hit the big time perverts - since I did that piece on pedophile films that ebay won't clamp down on - I get at least 10 hits a day from guys looking for "naked boy" films.

But breasts are pretty good too - just figure out how to put the word "Threesome" somewhere in the thread.

I totally use Desperate housewives for good info - Like using Ritalin pills as temp speed - that came in handy so many times!

elizabeth said...

Or whale penis.

elizabeth said...

I guess my theory was wrong....

elizabeth said...

Still at the same number....