This is part of something I've been playing at and thought some might enjoy the read. It is not entirely taken from my life - as some might suspect. Just be warned that the word breast and breastfeeding may be mentioned. If either make you uncomfortable - go away now and come back tomorrow...
By: Elizabeth S. Frank
CHAPTER ONE - NO ONE TOLD ME
Tuesday, February the ummmm 7th 2006. 1:38 pm
They are asleep. No one actually told me ahead of time that the absolutely best part of motherhood was when they go down for a nap. My once orderly realm has been taken over by very short little persons who speak gibberish, often produce hideous smells and reek havoc wherever they go. Don’t get me wrong - I love them to pieces and they are precious and lovely but I have thought of selling them to gypsies about 500 times since breakfast. (Which for me consisted of 3 stale Cheerios that I dug out of the couch and a coffee with a bucket of Hazelnut flavored coffee creamer - definitely low fat since I am still starving hence the large bowl of instant Thai noodles and the chocolate pudding - no doubt very healthful - I scarfed down in 30 seconds flat while wrestling with my daughter Caroline forcing her to eat her lunch.) Finally mutually agreed on two fruit leathers, one bite of pasta and a lovely warm bottle of milk. That covers at least ½ of a food group. OOOOOH the guilt of Motherhood, very dreadful feeling that somehow later in life I will be blamed for her being a picky eater. Very unfair due to great extents gone to - and acrobatic displays attempted to get her to eat a normal meal. At one point was quite sure I would succumb to worst nightmare and become Granola eating earth mother with a 7 year old breastfeeding since - partly out of guilt that she wouldn’t eat much in the way of real food and partly because the child could throw a tantrum that would outdo even Caligula. I breastfed her for what - like - 30 years. Breastfeeding actually seems like much longer in “real time” since you really never get to sleep. Secondly - if it was my fault that she is so terribly picky then I am as equally responsible for my son William’s ability to eat absolutely anything - including what may have very well been ants. Therefore by my calculations I am somewhere in the middle of mother of the year and total loser at being parent. Ah well, must accept one cannot excel at absolutely everything.
Off I go to shower very quickly and efficiently - as in all other things. Right. Then will attempt to conquer the very large and growing pile of laundry that has taken over my life as of 4 years ago … and I‘m pretty sure it burped at me the last time I walked by it.
Tuesday, February 7th at 2.17 pm
Aliens have landed and replaced my tiny sleeping angels with shrieking lunatics that are running a circle pattern into the carpet of the living room. I understand how crop circles are made now - toddlers on sugar highs loosed in farmers fields to “tire themselves out”. They never really get tired though do they - they just have that affect on the people in charge of watching them. (though why the term “watching them” even exists I don’t understand since that implies that you just sit and observe them from a safe distance - )
Fun game would be to dress toddlers up in Velcro and toss them at Velcro wall. That may be the only way to stop them from moving long enough to pee by oneself. But then one would also need said wall to be in sound proof room. How much do you think that would cost? Going to start calling builders directly.
Right well, first builder hung up before I could finish mumbling something about calling child services and second one quoted me $175,000.00. That might be a bit steep but might call the bank anyways just to see about possibility of borrowing said amount.
Looks like this addition might have to wait…