My First Advice Column

People occasionally write to me for advice on various things or questions and I have finally decided to start a monthly column to keep up with them...

1. Funnygirl - when do you find the time to keep up this most excellent high quality blog?
Well, dear reader, I make the time because I love you all so much. Besides, half of my friends live in my other home 4,000 miles away and according to my stat counter, visit frequently so it's a good way to keep in touch. (Hello BC! I can seee you. Now comment godammit)


2. Where do you get your irresistible wit?
I steal it from the little blog elfs that live under my bed. Either that or I post when I am drunk ;-)... like now for instance...*hic*...


3. Dear Funny Girl -
I was just wondering if you are going to write a book? Because if so, i will preorder. I like you.
I don't want to brag or anything...but...I'm kind of a big deal. So I get that. I...erm...like you too. And yes, I am working on it. (and don't worry, you will all be forced to pre-order it if I get a publishing deal - also I may make you order a couple since you guys may be the only ones who buy it).

4. Hello, I heard that you were working on a novel or something (get out! Seriously? Word travels fast!) What I was wondering was, if you sign a book deal will you still talk to the little people? AND if they make your book into a movie who do you want to play the roles?
WTF! Will I still talk to the little people? Is that some kind of trick? *terror* Where are they???!!!
If they make my book into a movie, I think the main character should be played by someone glamorous liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike.... ho hum.... maybe Ashley Judd or uh....no wait.... maybe Oprah. Or Ru Paul. NO! It must be - without a doubt - Mary Anne from Gilligan's island (is she still living?).

5. What do you do for fun?
Pretty typical stuff really. I know you all think I live this glamorous jet setters lifestyle but... well okay actually I do. KIDDING. For fun? I put itching powder in the paper towel dispenser at the gym today, that was fun. I put chili in the toilets. Also fun. I threw M & M's at some guy on the exercise bike in front of me - that was fun until he started playing along by catching them in his mouth. (that was MY fun bicycle man, give it back... fun stealer...). This is also fun for me. So are your questions so keep em coming!

6. Why do you live in cold Canada? Why don't you move to the States and live with me and we can abolish the Bush administration? Yer perty. I LIKE you.

I am going to put this gently... YOU FREAK ME RIGHT THE *F* OUT DUDE. STOP IT. Or Badger will beat the living crap out of you along with Slyde and Earl. (They are my bloggyguards). No but really, it's weird. K? Weirder than a bath in Jello filled with suspended gummy worms while wearing a hat made out of tinfoil so that the little men can't hear your thoughts - got it? (Can you hear the music from Deliverance? Do dodododododoo) Excellent! Now go awaaay.