Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Filipino Karaoke...

One St Paddy's day many many years ago - my friend Carrie from BC and I decided to go out and have a green beer to celebrate this awesome day dedicated to the worship of alcohol in general. (Being Irish I find I have a duty to do this little ritual - sometimes on days other than St Paddy's). The bar was full of these lovely military men and they were in their Argyle uniforms so - being the little devils that we are we kept trying to spot the ones going regimental.

After we tormented this gaggle of boys we met up with some friends and decided to go to another bar called the "Spinning Wheel" for a good dose of drunken karaoke. It was only after we were inside and had ordered drinks that we surveyed the bar. Every man in there was under 5'3 except my friend Keith who was 6'4 - I'm not going to say we stood out or anything... Evidently something that is synonymous with being Filipino - they are an inherently short group. Also - the karaoke was in a different language...not that that deterred us. Oh no, quite the opposite I should think. We thought it might be fun. And it was - the bar loved us... we were a smash.

Let me tell you - these little fellas could rip up a dance floor. It was like a dememnted scene from the Wizard of Oz. We were surrounded by little people and they loved us. Oodles. When we left - they all stood up (not that you'd notice) and applauded us.

We attempted a return visit but the bar had closed down. Too bad. It was surreal. Why doesn't silly shit like that happen to me anymore?


25 signs you have grown up...
1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook-up and
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids
next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit".
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar!
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus:You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll
enjoy it too....or you just post it on your blog ;-D...

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Me Too!

From Post secret. Love this site.

Michael Jackson Visits Orphans

Doesn't that just inspire a warm fuzzy feeling all over? Or maybe that's better described as your skin crawling. I mean, come on buddy, an accused pedophile visits an orphanage and we are not supposed to think that is a little odd? Like we didn't notice he was odd before this - but every now and then he adds to the level of freakishness he had previously achieved.

The worst part is.... I had a crush on him when I was a little girl. My best friend Katie and I used to watch the "We Are the World" video and try to kiss him (I always landed a little late on Paul McCartney). We organized an entire slumber party around the viewing of "Thriller" and.... I wore a sparkly glove to school (come on, I was 6). Watch how he has changed here.

A related link - featuring my new best friend the insult dog...

That little fella warms the cockles of my heart...

Friday, May 26, 2006


Dried mango. Food of the gods. Who knew something so wondrous as this existed. If I was trapped on a deserted island - this is what I want with me. Not joking - you must all drop what you are doing and get some of this stuff - it's better than sex.

Somebody Pissed In THEIR Cheerios

What is with grumpy ass people? I am on "grumpass alert" or something today - either that or they have radar and are actively seeking me out.

It started out less than a block from home when I attempted to turn onto a street that was under construction. They have been flipping back and forth between two sections. Evidently, they had decided to move the construction past this particular side street so it was closed... but it was not blocked, there was no signage indicative of such a decision and the ass hat (who'd I steel that from, anna?) who was in charge of directing traffic was zoned out smoking his cigarette looking at the pretty trees. He comes to and starts making angry gestures at me and shaking his head in this overly exaggerated way. Asshole. He's been a total twat face since they started doing this construction last week. Thinks he's the king of all shitdom or something. Anyways I (being timid as I am) roll my window down and lean out to the other construction fellow passing by - "You know. He could have blocked the street off or something and he doesn't have to act like that." Lovely fellow says "Not to worry miss he suffers from Assholeolitis". I loved him. Instantly and irrevocably. (I am going to bake him something delicious tomorrow. He just made my day.)

No. It didn't end there. I just don't feel like going on about the others just now. They depressed me. And no one after that deserved any baked goods.

Once Upon a New York Evening

I was just reading a blog (cheezy's) and it reminded me of the time I got roped into going to New York for a friend's birthday party. Not anything so glamorous as one might think, it was in Buffalo New York. We started out okay - drinking Dom and taking a Limo to this restaurant that the couple we were with liked to frequent. They warned me ahead of time that this wasn't my kind of place. (I like how they centered me out since there were several others along for the trip) They keep making jokes about how I would react and ...I keep drinking. We arrive. Well - the limo pulls over and we are in a slum. I am SO NOT exaggerating. There were boarded up shacks and a guy pissing in an empty lot (facing the road) when we got out of the limo. The couple organizing this debacle lead us to a shack. Uh huh. A shack. Like as in falling down boards and old card tables strewn about a bar type of thing. I place myself safely against the wall in a corner and order a bottle of beer in the hopes that somehow it hasn't been contaminated. The look of apt horror on my face must have been impressive. There were people actually asleep on the bar. You had to go into the kitchen yourself to order food. I was starving but couldn't bring myself to do it. The others did and I wonder how it is they survived what came out on plates, surely it was roadkill. I remained with my back securely attached to the wall for the remainder of the evening. This was a great vantage point to observe the festivities. I saw an old man with no teeth hit on my friend and buy her a drink (since it was her bday) and his son flipped out about how these young whores go around robbing old men blind... tekkin vantage of em and all. He was ready to fight. Um... ya see in my books taking advantage of an old man would be like.... getting him to buy you a car not accepting a $3.00 drink at his insistence. How rude would it be to shove it back to him and walk away? Now thems fightin words. Remember how I told you I'd been pounding the champagne? Right well - that means I eventually had to pee. Shudder. The bathroom consisted of a whole in the floor and a blackened type of pot on top. It was like something you might stumble upon in Tijuana. After I got the crack whores to leave I peed standing up and hoped for the best. How is it that this place hasn't been shut down. Easy. Buffalo New York people. Need I say more. Next time someone says it's not my kind of place I think I'll stay in the limo.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

This Made Me Laugh

Here Ya Go Boys n Girls

For the boys - or girls (click on it and move your mouse around)

For the girls (sorry he doesn't move his hips too)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Good Morning Sunshine

Family dinners around my house were always really fun growing up. Especially when we played little tricks on each other. But sometimes this backfired...

I played a joke on my Mom with the aid of these really magnificent fake carpenter ants... they appeared to be walking all around the kitchen counter and into the food and all the way to the fridge. And into the fridge. Anyways - many laughs about the fake ants after we scraped my Mother of the ceiling (she thought for a millisecond they might be spiders). Apparently she didn't notice the ones in the fridge. Well - our cleaning lady did. And she flipped out. It was an unexpected reward for my previous nights efforts. She really didn't beleive they weren't real. Too funny. They kept showing up for years and years in the most unexpected places.

Then the very next week I awoke to hear the same lady shrieking from somewhere in the house - I ran all over the place (assuming more ants...) and found her in the basement curled up in a ball on the floor waving a broom about her head. I managed to calm her enough for her to tell me that there was a bird or a bat flying around the basement trying to "get" her. (since most birds and bats find housekeepers delicious - little known fact). So - I see the creature in question - a starling - and I get a dress shirt from the pile of ironing. My idea being that we could sort of catch the little fellow in the shirt and get him outside. Problem was - every time we got close to catching him Sheila (housekeeper) fell to the ground and took her half of the shirt with her - and it took my half of the shirt and it in turn took me down. This wasn't really effective but we kept on doing it since we hadn't a better plan -- until we scared the bird into a window (house was a walk out) and it seemed to have broken it's neck. I picked up the bird. Lay him gently in my hand (on his wee back with his curled little yellow feet sticking up in the air) and walked somberly towards the door. Once outside I decided to look really closely (and I have no idea why really but did so nonetheless) and CAPOW he wakes up and flys directly into my face. I nearly shit my pants and almost knocked Sheila into the pool.
That was the last time Sheila ever showed up for work. Imagine that.

I Make Being an Idiot an Artform

Today I was driving home from the Doctor and my daughter was getting cranky. She wanted to escape the car seat. I was stopped at the intersection just before I was home because they are doing construction. Sitting and sitting. Screaming and whining. TV no longer interests her. I turn on the radio. Flip around a tad and land on something unexpectedly fun.... "I'm just burning doing the neutron dance...whoo hoo..." So I am animatedly singing to her and dancing like an idiot to entertain her. It's working and so I put on a real show. She laughs and laughs. I do the robot and some other very classy dance moves for her to admire. I'm so used to making an idiot out of myself in private (or relative private) that it doesn't occur to me that while we are all waiting there isn't much to look at - cept that crazy woman doing the neutron dance.... oh shit that'd be me. So I notice the tree cutting guys in the left lane beside me laughing and I motion with my hands the radio station numbers 97.3 and they obviously catch on and tune in... next thing you know they are tronning too - I glance in the rear view and the people behind me are dancing - the people behind the tree truck are looking around them like they are sure they are on candid camera. Then the construction fellow very graciously turns his sign to from "stop" to "slow". That was awfully fun but I must tell you I was rather relieved to see the "slow" sign - since that awkward feeling when you are all out of cool moves was just about to hit. lol.

Monday, May 22, 2006


A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift, A friends is someone we treasure for our friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives with beauty, joy, and grace And makes the whole world we live in a better and happier place.
-Jean Kyler McManus

I have great friends. Not everyone is as lucky as I am in that regard. They remember who I am - even when I don't. They know that sometimes it's okay to just not know where you're going - or to have messed something up along the way. They know your heart.

Everyone Needs Someone
People need people and friends need friends And we all need love for a full life depends Not on vast riches or great acclaim, Not on success or on worldly fame, But just in knowing that someone cares And holds us close in their thoughts and prayers- For only the knowledge that we're understood Makes everyday living feel wonderfully good, And we rob ourselves of life's greatest need When we "lock up our hearts" and fail to heed The outstretched hand reaching to find A kindred spirit whose heart and mind Are lonely and longing to somehow share Our joys and sorrows and to make us aware That life's completeness and richness depends On the things we share with our loved ones and friends.
-Helen Steiner Rice
Also - drinking beer with friends is much more fun than drinking alone. lol


Kat - here's the link to the rat boy. For you and b.e. earl to enjoy. (This still makes me laugh so hard I pee every time I see it)

Sunday, May 21, 2006


6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" (well - not so much these days but once upon a time...)
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. (these days that would be our date)
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop? or the bathroom floor... depends who you
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. (or we fall right into the toilet)

Tequila and a Toad

Yesterday was great fun. Went to Ikea (shut up nay sayers) and the highlight of my purchases was a lovely giant wall hanging of The Lady With the Veil (Alexander Roslin) and a new duvet cover - lovely and soft off-white with a touch of sage embroidery on it. Aaaaaaaaaand about 100 pillows to throw on my bed. I love throw pillows. When I was a kid I really really wanted to fill an empty pool with soft pillows and sleep there. Thought that would be just heavenly. (Unless you sunk down into the pillows and got stuck - then it might not be as much fun. Best stick to throw pillows on a traditional bed then.)

Anyways - then Mum asked if I wanted to go to the Casino.... well I'm not one to say no to that. So I beautified myself (she was already beautiful but she insisted on changing her outfit 200 times only to end up in the one she started in) and off we went. Our intention was to go for dinner first but the gambling got in the way and we forgot to eat. Then we stopped for a touch of Tequila. More gambling, more tequila. Next thing you know we have quite the fan club. It was a really fun night. I think my Mother wanted to hide under the table a few times, especially when the bartender jumped onto the bar to kiss me goodbye (he was really cute - and it was innocent really) but all in all she was a good sport. It's fun to be hit on with your Mother. They were all very nice to her too though. Don't get me wrong she had her share of suitors. She was especially keen over the one who looked like Mr. Toad. He really wanted to take her out for a spin. Kept sneaking up us. We kept collapsing into fits of giggles every time he magically appeared - he really did look like a toad. Kept expecting him to zap his tongue out of his mouth and say "needeep".

According to my Mother I was pretty drunk there at the end - I'll have to take her word for it since I don't remember (anything about the last hour or so...). Apparently I spoke in a Scottish brogue for the last bit and insisted on not getting into the elevator with the gang members. I actually said that last bit OUT LOUD. They were very impressed. Then when I did eventually get into the elevator I gave the buttons a sound beating - and we stopped on every floor. (I like buttons when I'm drunk I suppose).

Then we stopped on the way home at Harveys (I do not remember anything about it - so I'm going off of what Mum tells me happened) Evidently I was hungry since I ate all of my mine and my Mother's food before we even got home. Including her onion rings. I don't even like onion rings. Seriously. Blech. Fast food is only that good when you are drunk.

Anyways - no more tequila for a while (at least a day or two *wink wink*)

Friday, May 19, 2006

I Know More Now - I Lived More Then...

When I was a child I did some really stupid things. I had an imagination - that was certain. And I often told fibs to my parents - you know... to make my life seem somewhat more interesting. Liiiiiiiiike, the time my pet rat Smudge escaped from her cage/dollhouse (I should explain that - I thought they might like a house of their own so I combined my rather large dollhouse with their cage - voila = rat mansion). Anyways she got out in my room and I could not find her - but I told my parents she was not lost. She was lost. Very very lost. She turned up a week later no worse for wear - and after some very crafty detective work from me. Now as a young teenager my room expressed my mind - a mess. It was totally disgusting. My parents used to hire a cleaning lady and she was expressly told not to go near my lair. (funny since now I am kind of tidy) I also painted on all of the walls with oil paint. Now, keep in mind I was my parents princess so my room matched this title and was very princess-esque - so it was really funny to see with the dark paintings all about. I, however, had a wee bit of rebellion in me and it started to really shine through when I hit those teenage years. There I was - all prinsessy and cute with two rats running around my person. Laughable now - perfectly understandable then. I did everything in my power to defy one person.... my father ("faja" for you Carrie).
My point? Well, my point is two fold. First - I am 30 so now I know everything (*smirk*) and secondly sometimes I wish I still had the balls to paint on my bedroom wall. I know more now - I lived more then. Now I am trying to find a happy medium. Lovely weekend to all.

Shocking But True

I am going to compile a list of things to do before I expire. (love that term - makes me feel like a jug of milk). During my research stumbled upon this one and scored a 42.
Take the quiz yourself and report back to me. (#19 no can do. #31 will not do. #55 I do daily - so should really get extra points! And #76 I am so doing and really soon).

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I Found the Strangest Thing

Chewy's website. (in the profile there is even a soundclip)

Here B.E. Earl - You Deserve It!

Here I am. I'm the cute one.

My Funny Has Left Me

I was just sitting here thinking about what I might blog about and it hit me: My funny is gone. GONE I tell you. The brain is like a vacuum. Should I turn this site into porn, a bitchfest or should I just go steal someone else's funny and use it for my own??

I need your help loyal blogfriends. Give me some ideas here. This should be a symbiotic relationship. It's thus far been somewhat one-sided. I know, I know - you comment. But I need something more meaningful. or nice little sandwiches with cucumbers in them.

For those of you who are new - don't be discouraged. All I have to do is make a trip out into the world and something funny will happen (won't it?) So please don't go away. Stay here and make me feel lovely.

We Need One of These!

"One of the K800i features is its Googled supplied blogger functionality. This allow users to upload pictures and text to website on-the-fly as they go about their daily business."

I mean seriously. I think blogging is about to reach a whole new level of maddness.... love it. Imagine how many times we think "I've got to blog about that" and promptly forget. Now we can get it out there right away. Fantastic.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Hound of the Baskervilles

Last night around 10:00 I was watching a movie (not so good - Derailed). Sitting on the couch out of the corner of my eye I see - a horse running through the back yard. Surely it was a horse - what other than a horse is that big or runs that fast? I look - I look again - and I rub my eyes. A dog? Mother of god it is a dog. The biggest dog I've ever seen! I had some suspicion that this might be the dog belonging to the girl who moved into the church mance at the end of the street. The same girl who has let her lawn turn into a field. (I'll get her for that later - actually thought I might mow a message into her lawn - what say you blogfriends?) So I get a stick and head towards the house. Meanwhile - the dog hears me and decides to taunt me on my journey. I swear I could him uttering "yummy yummy in my tummy" at me. After some silly "hiding in the neighbours yard" antics and trying to sound authoritative "YOU GO HOME!" - I reached her door.
She's maybe 19. Talking on the like oh my god phone to her totally wicked friends. She laughed and flipped her hair. This is the third time he has totally gotten away. And she just can't figure out how (!) Um - okay dipshit. Maybe you could try a dogpen. Or maybe a collar that actually fits since he slipped his gigantic teeth ridden head right out of it - really have no idea how she could have gotten one TOO BIG for this dog - it is HUGE. Or - keep the f-ing mammoth inside your house. Since it might eat the children as scooby snacks if it gets away during the day. STUPID people.

For You

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Need Your Help!

I got the following applications and now my eyes are bleeding - anyone know how to stop this?

David's application

Bean's application


Yesterday I got me some fancy shirts and such. They are so perty and summerlicious. I will be the coolest Mom at the park this week ;-D and awesome for vacation!! Since I am off to the Dominican at the end of November for a fabulous wedding vacation. *smile*. Carrie from BC is getting married on the beach and I will be her Maid of Honour. Here's the dress I will be fabulous in. (not in pink though)Very nice! Since I am going alone I am taking applications for a "roomate". Speedos will be frowned upon. Ladies with gunts - no way. No mullets. Be forewarned there will be a lot of alcohol and possibly some dancing on tables (after alcohol). No foam parties - since I view those as a modern form of torture. Sailing skillz a asset.

Oh my. Does that mean I have to look good in a bikini? That'll take some doing. Good thing I am well on the way to becoming a fitness diva! *smirk*

Here's the Soundtrack to My Life

Soundtrack ('cept no one wrote me a letter - otherwise pretty much on the nose)
Can't wait for this one to come to Karaoke! lol.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Joining in the Hate Bush Campaign - too funny not to...

So - most everyone hates Bush and it is more than likely one of the most popular topics of conversation in the here ;-D. I laughed so hard I spit Cheerios allover my computer screen....

Happy Monday by the way.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Running Goddess in Training - this time to the song from Toto .... Africa

I put on my ipod (I hear the drums echo into night... inspiring) Then - I ran. Well no. I sort of walk/ran/stumbled and in the end crawled. At one point I stretched my arms out in front of me much like you might imagine Frankenstein's creature did - I felt somehow in this way I was getting further faster. But then my arms got tired and I had to hold the stitch in my side so.... well it was all very glamorous.

Why do I always make myself fancy to exercise? Friends of old - you will be shocked to hear I did not wear my pearls to run. I removed them because I thought it just looked a tad over the top (but I kept the earrings). I did,however, put make up on - since the ugly tree fell on me last night while I slept. I started out looking rather sparkly - but came home with mascara all under my eyes like a football player. I have sworn that from now on - I will jog/run/stumble/crawl without makeup. If I get up around 3 am I will manage to avoid most people.

I remember many years ago when my friend Nataal and I went skiing in Ellicottville and we thought this would be a great opportunity to flirt. So, we did our hair and makeup and carefully selected wooly sweaters, ski pants and matching ear warmers (perfection). But then it started to snow and - much like a dog gets covered in little snowballs - we both turned into giant snow covered monsters. Our hair melted as did our faces and then - I managed to dislocate my shoulder (no, not because the sweater was so heavy with the added snow...but then again...who knows). I learned to ski in a very creative way - on my head. The lesson I took home that day was not the skiing one - that obviously did me no good - but that when you "go skiing" like I do - you should stay in the bar.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Friday, May 12, 2006

Just a comment....

Do you ever notice that right after you post a blog about something you develop a kind of super sensitive radar? Like the gunt post - well... I've seen so many today it's like there was a gunt population explosion. Also mullets. Mullets everywhere. Someone help me.

I guess this phenomenon is the same one that occurs when you get a new car and then see so many of them just like yours.

Just a comment....have a nice weekend everyone.

A Picture of Michael Jackson as Gollum

Okay Tobiwan - let us see if this works shall we? Isn't that really the stuff of nightmares?


For Kathleen - and all my other special friends...

Whatever Gave Me This Plan?

So I am writing to you this morning in a state of sheer shock. In recent times two people have convinced me (on purpose or otherwise) that running might be more fun than it looks. (you know who you are). Thinking back to gradeschool and that incident with the running and the tree root (more on that another day) I should have learned my lesson but - it seem some lessons are harder to learn than others...

I woke up early (6:00 am) and thought - now this this is a day for running. Not that I would know - but I thought it nonetheless. So I donned my most attractive yoga suit and put my hair up in a very peppy pony tail and went in search of appropriate shoes. (no - not the moon boots from the gym... The "cross trainers" that I have are in actual fact my k-swiss skateboarding shoes and probably not designed for running (and no, I can't skateboard). Anyways - I looked pretty good! I went to the front steps and did some imaginary stretching, tightened my pony tail and off I went. I was a superhero - for the first 20 seconds... then it went downhill after I went down the hill... strangely enough it was a hill that did me in on the return trip.... but on with the story. So I made it about three blocks before I was overcome with the need to stop and regain the ability to breath. And here I thought I was in kind of okay shape. Evidently this is another illusion I carry with me. I decided that I should go home since this was really embarrassing and hopefully none of the neighbours had spotted me yet so I turned around - back towards the coffee and a really comfy couch. Just then - two neighbours emerged (husband and wife) all done up in the most fabulous running gear; shoes that matched (and said something like 'nuclear' on them), camel bags and lovely sweat wicking shirts (also matching). They exclaimed "Oh, you run?!" I just stared like a deer in headlights. "Well. Wish we'd known. You should run with us." I stared, it got awkward so... I nodded.(WHY DID I DO THAT?) I think I just agreed to go running with two people who obviously know how - AND look a hell of a lot less like a special needs person doing it. With a chipper little wave - off they went as speedy as two little human Alfaromeos - only a swirl of dust left in their wake. What have I done?

(S How do I cleverly disguise my links under a word?)

Out Of The Office Alert - Your emails will be handled as follows...

(thanks for sending this Jen - too bad whoever made this can't spell cancel.... or was that intentional?)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I've Been Tagged

Okay guys - I was tagged by this ones not all funny...sorry... ;-D

I am the daughter of a fabulous woman and a man who can do just about anything. I am the mother of two incredible people and a person blessed with wonderful friends. (I am me - and I am starting to like her more and more...)
I want to regret less and to be everything to everyone - all the time. I also want to travel the world and leave footprints everywhere I go... but mostly just to make an impression that lasts on this earth longer than I do. I want my family to live forever and never suffer.
I wish that I had believed in myself more when I was younger - and also that I had a real and honest to goodness castle - and a special interest column in some obscure magazine somewhere.... with an itty bitty teeny tiny picture of moi on the top left corner looking fabulous. (and I want a unicorn)
I hate that there is so much suffering in the world. I also hate that liquorice liquor. I hate having the flu, ignorant people, bees, slugs and spiders.
I hear raindrops hitting the canvas tent that covers the patio furniture.
I wonder too often what would have happened if I hadn't made the choices I made with my life. I also wonder how things work - all things.
I am not very good at skiing and I don't try unusual food. I am not a bad person. I am not going to let an one point in my life (good or bad) define who I am.
I danced. Yes, as in past tense. Boy did I dance! But my dancing stopped many years ago - and only happens now at friends weddings. I miss dancing.
I cry when I am sad. When I see my children sad and - when I make people sad. I also cry when I am angry.
I make with my hands lots of fun shapes with play - dough and I paint pictures on walls in children's rooms.
I write every chance I get. Letters, journals, short stories - you name it and I write it....and sometimes I feel like I can't stop...and not a lot of people know (ahem.... knew) that about me.
I confuse a lot of people - not the least of whom is myself. Oh yeah - and north south east and west.
I need some coffee every morning. It is my ONE thing - and I am truly committed to it.
I start more things than I finish...
I finish fewer things than I'd like.
I believe in fewer things than I'd like.... I believe in love, and in people. I believe that I have much to learn. I believe that I have some of the greatest friends and relatives in the world. I believe that my children can change the world.
I "tag" Kath, and my new pals Dia and Badgerdaddy. (Carrie - you too if you stop in)
(Feel free to respond here in the comments section or in your own blog - whatever you like.)

Not All Tacquitto's Were Created Equal

So a friend of mine turned me onto this new thing - Tacquitto's. I think there are some things you should just be born knowing about and - these are one of them. They are perfect and lovely. And they are frozen and only take ten minutes to cook. What more could you ask for?
I like them so much I made a journey to Costco (Price Club) to buy a ridiculously large box of them.

People - when you buy something in huge quantities... take the time to make sure it is exactly what you are seeking. You have no doubt concluded by this point that - I messed up. Oh yes. I bought a GIANT box of something masquerading as tacquitto's - but are a cheap and horrible imitation. They taste like dogfood smells. And there are hundreds of them. What am I to do?

I want my tacquitto's - my REAL ones. Where have they gone?

PST. If anyone is interested in my recipe for what I like to call "Trailer Trash Casserole" please let me know. It is sort of like the biggest all in one taco on planet earth and the leftovers are divine. Goes well with beer.


The show Invasion ( started out really well and then lost my interest when they did a couple of questionable things in the beginning but now.... now they are back in my good books. I can even forgive them for dropping off the books there for a while when they switched nights - and didn't bother to tell me. Now I'm hooked again - just in time for the end of the season.

Do the show executives plan this type of thing? Do they like to mess with our tiny brains en mass? I really wonder.

Also - I like to drool over the man who plays Russell (Eddie Cibrian). He's very delicious. Somewhere between him and Matthew McConaughey lies the perfect specimen of maleness.

Sigh. Off I go to do some photoshop experiments (ala Weird Science).lol.
What is it with me and not reading instructions?

I don't know if it is normal to take it as a mental challenge when it comes to assembling things - sans instructions. Or is this a left over attempt at defying authority (- and in this case the people who write the instructions are considered an authority on the subject ... or at least really should be- shouldn't they?). I always feel as though I have failed if I can't figure something out on my own. Doesn't really matter if it's furniture or even something as simple as a microwave or a VCR. I do admit that eventually I will refer to the instructions or ask for help, but I do so grudgingly(... and I mutter and stomp about.) I really wish I was not so childish.
It actually makes me mad at myself much in the same way I am mad at a man for not asking for directions when we are clearly lost. This makes no sense to me and, likewise, my resistance of instruction manuals really makes no sense to me. But still - I cannot seem to overcome this issue.
Well - admitting a problem is half the solution - right. Well. That's some progress isn't it? (Just say yes).

Now - as for patience. Some people feel that I have a lot of it. Some people think I have none. I agree with the latter. I think I need to take up some sort of meditation or something to - ease some of that much needed patience into my soul. I just want it now. Immediate gratification type of thing. (Told you I wasn't patient.)

Lastly on my list of self bashery - I need to know when to quit and when to finish things. "The Gambler" needs to become my mantra. I'm always off timing wise. I give up too fast or... I stay too long and beat the proverbial dead horse. But - again - half the battle and so on...

Well - looky looky. I'm half way to being perfect and it only took me 10 minutes. Fancy that. ;-P


Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Things That Make Me Go, Hmmmm?

I was driving home tonight and saw a man on rollerblades who looked so totally idiotic I had to stop and stare for an inappropriate amount of time. He was a total disaster. Maybe 45 ish, bald and round in a bright orange shirt - with no ability to balance whatsoever. Looked like a pumpkin on wheels - that kept falling down. Funnier still was the fact that he really and truly thought himself a sex-god. He was really proud of himself and giving me the come hither grin (well I did stop the car to stare at him so... not really his fault). Now - don't get me wrong.... I'm all for getting into shape and so on. Really I am. But some things should be done in private... or at least in the dark.

Then there was the woman at the park with a true and honest "gunt". (Carrie from BC - she'd have made you proud.) I can't really go into much detail about that.... I will only say that it is a combo word (breakfast +lunch = brunch) but using the words gut and a word I cannot permit myself to say (gut+ &8@! = gunt). It was horrid. Awful. It actually hung out under her shirt and I found myself gagging. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. It isn't. The human body was not meant to be pushed to such limits.

Gunts and mullets. Two things the world could do without. If they were both on the same specimen - I would have to run home for the digital camera. I only hope if we are invaded by aliens - they don't choose one of the two individuals described above and clone them or anything. That would be awful. Ooh or worse - have them breed. Ick.
"Once a Hobbit-like creature, his proximity to the Ring has transformed him into a grotesque creature."

Okay. I just laughed and laughed at myself. I didn't mean to post the above bit yet - it was part of a post I was working on earlier but thought I saved it as a draft. Evidently not. Nope - I posted it out there all by it's lonesome with no explanation whatsoever. I can imagine some of you who are sort of used to my blog stopping in and going "WTF?" am I supposed to say something intelligent here? Now she's all deep and artsy intellectual or something? I hate crap like that. Like Sundance Film festival movies - I have been sucked in again and again. I have now promised that if I rent another one and torture myself with the watching of it - I will make myself pay penance with some archaic form of punishment.... like.... eating Spam or listening to Tommy Page (sp?)albums.

Anyhoo. My original post was going to be something about how Golumn was like that ("Once a Hobbit-like creature, his proximity to the Ring has transformed him into a grotesque creature.") with the ring and I am like that with Cinnabons. Now it isn't as funny though so.... I'll have to come up with something else.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Oh there little fella - whatcha lookin at?

So I am afraid of many things and if I had the energy would likely develop some OCD's about germs as they pertain to dead animals and public washrooms. As it stands they just creep up once and a while. Today was one of those days.

My son decided he'd like a pet mouse - not altogether unappealing since I generally sort of like rodents but - this one was not a pet store type of thing and it was DEAD. My friend Kathleen's cat killed it and left it as a gift for her on her porch. She chucked it onto the lawn and my son decided to go say hello to the rotting carcass - I couldn't stop him - he was petting it. I threw a fit like some crazed lunatic - I blame my Mother for this reaction. (Although in her case - my brother was pretending to be a cat and had the dead mouse in his mouth.) I bleached him from head to toe. I think he might live.

As I was heading home I noticed a lot of roadkill on the side of the highway and it got me thinking about people who remove them - for a living. What do you suppose their table conversation is like? I watched an episode of Trading Spouses once and they ate road kill for dinner. It was appalling. Not only was it roadkill - it had been their pet turkey. And then they told the visiting spouse what/who she had eaten. She nearly threw up. It was all very amusing.

When we were in highschool my friends and I were in a car rally.... and one of the items on the list of "Things to Find" was roadkill. I remember scraping a dead squirrel off the side of the road with a shovel - you wouldn't believe how hard I had to work to scrape that little bugger up! Worst of all they didn't even look in the bag to verify that it was indeed roadkill! I was indescribably proud of that little carpet - and the fact that I managed to keep him in one piece... no small feat.

This reminds me - my Mother was cleaning out her pond last week and a squirrel bubbled up from the bottom. Nearly gave her a heart attack. Then she put it in 500 bags and into the garbage can - where it sat fermenting for 5 days until the garbage man came. You could smell it all the way down the street. Hideous. I actually hid behind a curtain spying on the garbage men to see what their reaction would be -(because I'm childish) to their credit they didn't even flinch. Made me wonder what the worst thing they ever found in a garbage can might have been.

Sweet dreams blogfriends.

This is funny in English and way funnier...

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin JAPANESE ... (farts are the universal language of funny)

My 4 year old laughed himself to tears over this - well now that I think about it - so did I. Such a bad example.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Today's Snack

Fantastic with mustard. Watch out for the prickly bits.

Head Gear Animation

There's a theme here... check out the Ikea heads one. I love Ikea. I do. I drool at the thought of the place.... but even more - I would love to be able to do that (see add).

It would save so much time.

One Teenage Trauma Better Off Without

Being a teenager is simply a series of humiliations. I have finally found one (above) I managed to escape. I don't know what the function of the above head gear is - and it's okay that I don't know. It's funnier not knowing. I think this is also the only strange affliction that someone has suffered somewhere and not found me to hit on me (well - there's still time....maybe at the next community theatre event....)
Thinking back to my teenage years I am all at once overcome with the urge to crawl into a hole - only peeking my head out long enough to witness funny things like our friend (Neil H.) running through the cafeteria nekid or another guy (James C.) dressed up like a little girl with pigtails - all 7 feet of him in glorious lacy splendor.
Actually - when I get thinking about it there was quite a myriad of fun - in and around all of that other crap that comes with the awkward years between 14 and 19. But I wouldn't go through that again for all of the beer in England. Well - okay maybe I would - but I would need the beer first.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Just Be. Happy.

I know my blog is usually funny (or so I imagine)but on occasion I’ve been known to say something worth while (again.... si I imagine) – I will attempt worthwhiledness now…

I was in Florida last year and it was a particularly trying time in my life. I had two very small children and was having a hard time with – well many aspects of my life. I am generally upbeat and positive but – life has a way of getting to all of us sometimes…I woke up at 4:45 one morning and couldn’t sleep. The waves gently crashing on the beach seemed to beckon to me so I got up and pulled on a t shirt and some shorts and snuck out to get a coffee and have a stroll. I found a sea turtles nest her tracks still untouched by peoples thoughtless walking and beneath the sand all nice and snug – her hundreds of sleeping babies completely unaware of the peril that lay in the journey ahead of them.

I think that I may have been searching for some great moment of clarity or something – but didn’t really expect to find it. I sat down upon a sand dune with my coffee and watched the sun come up.

This stretch of beach was private and very quiet especially at that time of day. There was one old man walking up and down with a metal detector searching for his treasure. He looked like leather and had a puff of cotton for hair. Other than that I was totally alone and very down. I looked up at the horizon and said aloud – “Why can’t I just be happy? I just can’t figure it out.” I sat and reflected for a time and was about to go back to the beach house when a wiry old black man wandered down the beach. He looked like the history of the world was etched in his face. He stopped and smiled at me and I returned his smile. Then he said, “How are you today?” and I replied “Just fine thank you – and yourself?”. “Always fine always fine.” Then he said, “My, you are pretty. Why you sitting there all by your lonesome?”. I just smiled and said, “Thank you. You are very kind. Just doing some thinking”. Then he sort of bowed to me, grinned and started to walk away. When he was nearly out of hearing he turned and smiled that infectious smile and said, “Don’t think so much. Just be. Happy.”

Tears instantly sprang to my eyes. Then I looked back out to the ocean and thought how beautiful the world can be sometimes.

I don’t know what my system of beliefs is or isn’t – I am always learning new things…. But I think that was the closest to ever having a one on one conversation with the big man himself.

Straight to Hell in a Handbasket For Me


Discover Your Sins - Click Here

Cutest Goddamned Thing I Ever Saw

I don't know what this is but I know I've never seen anything so painfully cute in my life. I was about to say so cute I could just eat it up. But that just sounds so wrong.

Friday, May 05, 2006

"I want to father your children!" and other stories...

Well. Now that I've got your attention...

I decided to go to Toys R Us today to buy a sandbox. A place that you normally wouldn't be oggled - you might think. But as I was walking from the car into the store - these two guys drove by slowly in a pick-up and the passenger yelled that (see above) out the window at me - total redneck (at least he didn't have a mullet) and me thinking thank god I left my actual children at home. My automatic reaction was to think, "Well of course you do. I'm intelligent and kind and I can be very entertaining when I drink...and then there is that thing I can do with the squirting milk out of my eye that clearly makes me a superior being" - But then how would he know that? Did he actually expect me to go "Okay - jump on big boy?" or that he was just really clever? I really wished I had something to throw at him. Like maybe roadkill.

It reminds me of kid in highschool that used to call and hang up on me all the time. He would call and hang up - repeatedly - and then on the tenth time or so he would ask me to go out with him and then hang up. This poor guy was a total throw back to the gene pool seriously. I won't get too mean - but if you've seen the Trailer Park Boys the guy with the glasses (Bubbles) would be his twin.

I am really really not kidding. The first time I saw the show I thought it was him.
Again - as previously established I am the weirdo magnet - so this should not surprise me... or any of you for that matter.

On a totally unrelated note - I started reading Dan Brown's Angels and Demons today. It is very good so far.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Ultra Low Rise

I bought these mighty fine looking "ultra low rise" pants from American Eagle. They start out fine- looking very cool - but they fall down the second you move in them. Makes sense when in reality they are already part way there by nature. I was just trying to fit in -(to the pants and the crowd.) Albeit - the crowd I'm trying to fit into is about 1/2 my age.... but anyways... I think I'll stick to low rise or above - ultra low just makes me feel like I need to constantly pull them up. Not as bad as those kids that wear the baggy pants down underneath their bums. (Refresh my memory - what is the point of pants again?)
I don't get it. I'm getting old. Thank god.

The Immigration Debate

This was really funny.

Muppet Matrix

Any Matrix or Muppet fans will fall in love with this. It's brilliant.
Click on the link....


Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Mullet Mullet Mullet Mullet part two...

Just a quick note - today I saw an entire Mullet family. Mommy mullet, Daddy mullet, little girl (?) mullet and little boy mullet. Now - it's one thing to do that to yourself but - when you do it to your kids (HENCE FORWARD KNOWN AS A "CHULLET" know... child+ mullet = chullet) It is just sooooo very very wrong. And I'm not talking cute little baby mullets or not wanting to cut the baby curls - no - I'm takling full blown red neck chullets.
I know that using a floebee ( to cut your hair might save money - but seriously you ought to consider shaving your head. (Or letting me. I would do it for free. In fact I would consider paying you to end the mullet madness)

Bonus mullet pics.... examples of some chullets. This is a clear form of abuse.

Interactive Blog For You....

So just for fun I am doing my first interactive BLOG. I am posting my first (and there may be more but we will see how this one goes....) blogging advice column. It should be like a Dear Abby - only more intimate since there are far fewer of you. No subject is taboo (except anything about a whale penis ......Carrie...ahem). You just need to email me with your question and tell me want you want to know.

An example would be; "Is it bad that I am 34 and have an imaginary friend named Ben?"
My answer might be something like...."I would 'imagine' you should talk to someone about that." or maybe I would say "No. Not at all! I've always liked the name Ben."

Let's have a try shall we? Might be fun.

Eyebrow Shaving Mishap

Okay. So a couple of years ago I had an incident that involved a razor and my eyebrow. You might be sitting there thinking - WHY -- why would she shave her eyebrow? Weeeeelll. I was late and I had an important meeting ---- and my tweezers were MIA. So.... I saw the razor and thought.... what the hell... why not? I'll tell you why not. It is really hard to drive a car with blood in your eyes and -- it is really hard to look dignified sitting in aforementioned meeting with blood dripping down your face. Funnier still. I muttered some excuse about a science experiment gone awry when the senior partner turned to me and said "Shave your eyebrow?". She didn't really say it as much as she announced it. And everyone just sat and stared at me. Now how the hell would she know that. My expression must have displayed my shock. On the way out of the meeting she turned to me and in a conspiratorial tone said.... "Well. Once you've done it to yourself you recognize it when someone else does it." I'm still waiting to burn someone by spotting their secret.

So now I wax. And for a while I would have done Mr. Miyagi proud (may he rest in peace) until the day I waxed my entire eyebrow off - except just the tiniest tuft at one end. I looked really "special". Now my friend helps me. She was embarrassed to be seen in public with me, I think. (Don't answer that Carrie).

You should all be terribly proud of me today. I saw the razor and was tempted but managed not to do it. Finally a lesson learned I guess - well it might be a little thing but some days you just have to hold on to them no matter how small they are...


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I used to want to go to Australia.... now I'm not so sure...

I don't think I can be normal now. (Assuming I was normal to begin with.)

For your amusement...

(Get it? Let the church help kill you... I know someone out there will need that clarification...)

(Wha? Anyone wondering what the purpose of the sign actually is?)
(Shockingly - West Virginia. Bring a map if you dare to go. Or at least a compass.)

Monday, May 01, 2006

Okay - My Adoring Fans.... I am the weirdo magnet

I generally don't make fun of handicapped people...

I went to an Ancaster Community Theatre performance on Saturday. First - I don't know how many of you have dared to walk the halls of your old highschool - but it is a strange experience. Strange and disturbing. I was immediately overcome with the urge to defy authority, so when they told us the door we were supposed to use - I had to actually restrain myself from using the other one. Then I used the washroom marked "Staff Only" because I am a rebel and always will be.
I am surprised at how much talent goes untapped by Canadian Idol. It was a very eclectic mix of oldies and some new songs. My favorite had to be Proud Mary - fanfrickintastic people! The kind of stuff you see only in superb movies like Sisteract. Angela was a star! The smoke machine and sparkly costumes were the icing on the cake - and the lighting and sound guys -you rock.

At intermission - I was mingling. I took it upon myself to observe and noted the over abundance of geriatric patients in the auditorium. The average age was over 80 - not kidding. (flashback to the "Like a Virgin" when the ladies touched themselves in a suggestive way and figured the old folks home would be a-buzz tonight.... and so would the cardiology unit at the local hospital...). Anyhoo - so there I was chatting away with my friend Angela's Mother and her entourage when BLAMO - I become "strange people magnet". This happens unexpectedly and it happens often. (I seem to have inherited this from my Mother.) Anyways - this really sweet girl - who just happens to be handicapped -decides to befriend me. And I don't just mean she said hi and chatted for a minute. NOOOOOOOO. She followed me around - bestowed kisses on me and petted me all over. She was rather fond of me and rather immediately decided she might keep me. At the time I was sitting with my friend Carrie and she keeps looking at me with this "how do I escape look" and I keep thinking "YOU - what about me? " And then - my little friend attempted to lick Carrie on the face. But then she was distracted by the softness of my legs... and so... that was weird... and then she flexed for me. Funny too - was when she did this call me thing with her thumb and baby finger. I was a little unsure of myself at that point. I turned to Carrie and in a very dry tone said "Well. At least I know I've still got it.". She laughed so hard she nearly puked and had way more fun than any friend really ought to at another's' expense.

It's okay though. I know one day I'll get her back. (check your "soak-er tub" for a trout...) ;-D

Worth mentioning was the time that Carrie (from BC) and I went to the cowboy bar. We had a few drinks and got up to dance to some kickass Dixie Chicks - and were joined by a very nice fellow in a wheel chair. This was good - we all danced and he seemed quite nice. Until we attempted to leave the dance floor. We thought it was a fun thing to - you know pull him around in the wheel chair - dancelike -- but he got a hold of Carrie's hands at the end of the song and wouldn't let go. So it went from bad to worse when she started trying to run away and ended up dragging him all the way across the bar with a look of mounting terror on her face. I dubbed him the "vehicular stalker". And Carrie and I laughed a lot about that. Actually - I laughed... she just kind of whimpered.

I'm actually still laughing.